DH says I am lying about fertility results

[imsolosthere]

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

I feel it is more for me to know myself so I have it in black and white and there’s nothing he can say

This is my thought, why the sudden turnaround?

What a nasty twat.

When I was pregnant on #4 his family told him I must have lied about the results. He backed me back then and told me he showed them the report

Having read your previous post it sounds like he is just clutching for anything to justify his behaviour. PCO can come and go I don’t think there is any way to predict fertility in the future but doctors do usually advise women with PCO that they may have trouble conceiving.
If you feel emotionally stuck in a bad relationship then stopping having sex can help you see what is best for you and your family. - I found this from personal experience!

I was told for years I don’t have PCO.

sex has stopped. No intimacy at all, no hello, goodbye. Only really txt if it’s about the children or other essential things. This was until this came out yesterday.

Not that it’s the key problem but surely all those pregnancies and all those months not ovulating will have conserved your fertility? So before you had any children, the prognosis was correct

I never thought of that

I don't know if this helps at all, I know you said you don't have PCOS but it's the overall scenario that might be relevant.
I was diagnosed at 19, PCOS in both ovaries, told I might never conceive naturally. TTC with partner unsuccessfuly, was engaged to another partner and also couldnt conceive, gave up at 24.
One night stand at 24 and I got pregnant.
Had 2nd baby at 27, and the surgeon came to speak to me after my c section because of the state of my ovaries.
Met my husband few years later and had DC 3&4.
My ovaries are buggered, they definitely weren't working properly in my late teens and early 20s, by my mid 20's they looked rough enough to concern a surgeon. My GP's have been confused because I shouldn't be fertile, but I have 4DC.
What I'm saying is, it's definitely possible to have a system that doesn't work on paper, but somehow works in practice.

Aside from that your other half sounds like a twat. Contact IDAS, they might help you get your head round the idea of emotional abuse, coercive control etc. They changed my life.

If he was concerned it wasn't true, then surely two successful pregnancies conceived with ease would be all the evidence he needs that you were pretty fertile. How can you be lying, when your body obviously worked to produce a baby several times. If he didn't want more kids after one or two why did he keep TTC with you?

He sounds utterly moronic and borderline abusive. The fertility clinic will tell him he's the one who has the inside info about your fertility and proof of the pudding is right there five times?! It doesn't make you 'a liar'.

I'd be absolutely seething in your position.
It's like he's suddenly saying he didn't want kids and it's your fault he's got five of them. He needs biology lessons. Arsehole.

Thank you for sharing

He made a point of telling me he doesn’t regret starting a family but just feels the timing and decision was taken out of his hands by me

He knows the marriage is coming to an end. He likely know that this is because he has been an emotionally abusive and twatty husband. So he is trying to control the narrative and invent a reason why you are actually to blame - so he can not look stupid in front of his friends and family. He wants to go round saying you were a liar, you trapped him etc. Rather than people think that his wife left him because he was a knob (the actual reality).

Just ignore him. Prepare a sentence to say to him every time he brings it up “I have never lied to you about my fertility. Our marriage is over now and I am not willing to keep discussing this with you.” Just repeat the same sentence and then refuse to continue the conversation.

If any male family member of mine was saying the same as your husband, I would laugh at him and tell him that clearly after a couple of kids it was obvious there was no issue conceiving and he happily kept producing more children with you!

@imsolosthere Well, he could've just said I'm not ready for another at any given time. There wasn't a gun to his head. Wasn't he with you at the appointments? If he was that concerned you'd think he'd come with you. Anyway he's being massively unreasonable. What exactly does he expect either of you to do about it now?
If he can't get over it I'd consider telling him he's heading for the divorce courts.

I asked him what was the point of bringing it up now and he said because it has consumed his thoughts day and night for the last 5 months

So don't let him play the mind games with you. Say what you need to say, such as, "You are an abusive azzhole. You stay away from me, and you can have the spare room as I need the master for the room with the baby. You are horrid and a gaslighter, and I am done letting you drag me down. You want to abuse someone? Go find a mirror and say it to someone who deserves it."

Then walk away. Say nothing, no matter what he says. If he gets too much in your face, go to your room and close the door. If he touches you in any way, call the police. Do not have sex with him again. If he asks, he can go have sex with the person he admires the most. Himself.

I am so angry for you!

Thank you, I need to find the strength to say these things. im so angry right night but also sad and lost.

Well, I can see why one though could consume him so easily. There's only room for one thought in his tiny mind.

You said on your last thread that the 5th wasn’t planned. Were you coerced into it by him? I think you honestly need to leave

@imsolosthere well frankly that's his problem. Tell him your mind has been 'consumed for the last five years as to why you married such an insensitive, emotionally stunted twat, and that you can't stop lamenting the underwhelming size of his cock'. Then speak to a solicitor.

He pushed and pushed for a 5th. I said no for a long time but he wore me down and it it happened while we were away just the two of us

The relationship is over and you don’t have to convince him of anything.

Even if he REALLY believed this narrative, wouldn’t the obvious answer be faulty test results rather than you flat out lying. And to claim this 5 babies in… it’s laughable.

Let him believe what he wants and be free.

I so wish I could give you a hug! {{HUGS}}

I am sure you are sad and lost. You have been treated so poorly by the person who is supposed to have your six and he has massively let you down. It hurts when we see the person we thought we loved turn into a monster, a hate-filled-ugly person. It feels like a dream, ell, a nightmare.

BUT, you are strong! You have given birth to four children, so you have a deep reserve of backbone and steadfastness. You can do this, and you will handle anything and everything that comes along. Luckily, you have family that you can lean on and they love you. Your children love you, and you want to keep them safe and in a good environment.

And MN is here for pep-talks, {{HUGS}} and hand-holds.

He’s building up to leaving you. Unfortunately it’s a case of another man who can’t handle his responsibilities; it takes two to tango but of course it’s your fault. Then you’ll get the usual “I need to concentrate on myself”, “I need time for me”, “I never wanted this many children but didn’t have a choice”, yadda yadda yadda, and all the other excuses weak men spurt out. Then you’ll find he’s in a new relationship after a couple of months.

Get your ducks in order.

Regarding the fertility thing, a follicular count of 15 and then 7 isn’t that bad. It only takes one egg forming out of one of those follicules to make a baby. And clearly with multiple kids already, the proof is in the pudding! He’s just using it as an excuse to add to his arsenal to leave you.

THIS! ⬆All of this!⬆

Said much better than I could put it! 😆👏