Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

I’d take your half just before he finds out, if that’s legally OK. That way you have it and no need for a freeze, which presumably requires more paperwork and legal costs.

I’m in awe of how you’ve handled all this @Jessa85 . You’re like superwoman. What an inspiration!

OP, Ive been following your threads and am in awe at your strength, organisation skills and cooking abilities. You have done an amazing job keeping calm, getting support and advice and collecting evidence before making your move, in the face of betrayal and ongoing financial abuse.

I think you are right in not doing the car drop off scheme - it might play out well in a movie and be dramatically satisfying but it could also be used to paint you as unstable, emotional and unreasonable and muddy the waters of the clarity you have found.

I think I would meet him at the house with a trusted friend/family member who can be relied on to keep to the script and stay calm: and keep it as cold as he does. Inform him you have filed for divorce due to his treatment of you and financial abuse. (Your choice if you mention you also know all about the affair and his UAE plans)

You have packed his car and work stuff for him, here are the keys, solicitor will be in touch. Other communication to this new email address where we can discuss access/contact time and coparenting our daughters, including how and when we will inform them of the changes and our divorce. Not interested in other communication or recriminations, its over, you are being more than reasonable and would now like him to leave.

I suspect others may give different advice but it might be worth mentioning if you have contacted police and forensic accountant over his financial abuse. It may stop any shenanigans to hide money/investments if he knows you have full evidence and people are onto him - eg my solicitor has a complete record of your financial situation as of x date and this will be taken into consideration during the divorce process, so any false declarations or attempts to disadvantage me and your children by concealing money/investments will be obvious.

I have been reading through this thread and I am appalled at the way this excuse of a man has treated his wife and children......what a piece of shit!
@Jessa85 you are one awesome, strong, resilient woman! Hold on in there, and keep your children close. I actually think, in your situation, I would now be serving a stretch because I would have killed the bastard!

Thank you, and this is a message for everyone saying really lovely things about me... I appreciate it all because this thread has given me so much strength, from just a few minutes after posting my first message here I realised I'm not going insane and my life shouldn't be like this. I'm so grateful to everyone who posted and opened my eyes.

I am also so tired, I haven't slept properly in days as I've been so focused on screwing him over. I'm glad I accepted my employers offer to take some time because it's given me the head space to focus on all the decisions I've needed to make.

I agree with everyone commenting about the OW. Things will most definitely fizzle out there when she/he come to the realisation of the bed they both made.

If he hasn't taken his house keys, he can't get in anyway. So when he rings the doorbell, you need someone there who can open a window and give him his car keys, tell him all his stuff is there and to keep any eye on his email because there is something important inbound. Nothing further to discuss but Brenda is waiting for him with a plate of chicken nuggets so he had best be off back to her.
Don't open the door or give him the opportunity to step across the threshold and cause a fight or think he can win you round etc.

You are not screwing him over - you are rightfully taking / claiming half of what is legally yours.

You are standing up for yourself and your daughters financially and thus legally.

Is it tomorrow Thursday 13th that your Mum is arriving ? or a week tomorrow Thursday i.e. 20th - I hope it is tomorrow.

It will not always hurt like this OP. You will not always feel like you do right now . You must be so worried about your daughters but with your courage you can all face things together. Be open with each other and I am sure you will all of you come through this as a stronger unit. He is not worth a thought so my advice is do nothing,don't listen to him let the solicitors do their job, Your job right now is to hold on and keep you and your girls going,thats all you need to concentrate on.I would not engage with him at all except through legal channels. Let him be dead to you. You are doing amazingly well through this awful,scary,trying time. You deserve every happiness that will come your way.Cherish your freedom my love its been hard going and will be for a little while yet but its coming and its been hard won for you. I wish you and your daughters well going forward x

I hope this makes you laugh because I think my husband totally thinks I’m having an affair as I spent about 45 mins in the bathroom after my shower holed up with my phone reading the whole thread! Wow… just wow! Your strength for your daughters is amazing. Good luck in your new life screwing him over for every penny. I am sure you will rise life a pheonix. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he realises the financial settlement he is going to have to give you 😂😂

edit: sorry for saying ‘screwing him over’ as pp said - you absolutely are not. You will just be accepting what is rightfully yours

This - I think dropping the car off at her house while awesome to think about, could easily backfire and be spun as a bit stalkery.

But turning up at arrivals will blow his mind - especially as he thinks that you believe he is coming home on Saturday.

I'd be tempted to just walk up to him, hand him the keys and tell him which carpark the car is in and to expect the divorce papers - no conversation, or other engagement.

However - I'd actually be more tempted to see if it plays out - if you go to arrivals or drop the car off at hers, he will know that you have access to the iPad an will cut off you ability to keep track of his message PDQ.

If you let him come home on Saturday and don't say anything, you will be able to see if he means what he says to the other women about telling you he wants a divorce.

If he doesn't say anything, you can keep tracking his emails and phone messages with the iPad until your solicitor has the documents ready to serve!

Your solicitor might say this is not okay but I'd be taking all of the joint funds out myself. simply because you know that he has been hiding funds AND you have been subsidising him AND you have no idea if, once you let him know that you know, he has any intention of continuing to pay or whether you're going to have to fight tooth and nail. So I'd be taking it and saying, "Obviously, I have taken 3 months living expenses from the joint account which I will offset against any payments you make going forward." Because it's 12 March. Let's say he gets paid in 2 weeks time - if he refuses to add any money to the joint account at that point, you're in trouble.

I'm tempted to agree with others that you need to keep your powder dry and not let on that you know about his affair just yet.
It will be interesting and quite enlightening for you to see how the next couple of days play out, whilst he is blissfully having his cake and eating it until he returns home to the shitstorm that awaits...
Even when you tell him you want a divorce, don't immediately let on you know about his affair. This will be your ace, to play for maximum effect.
I know how angry and hurt you must be feeling, but revenge is always a dish best served cold.
You’ve got this!

You could consider emailing them (so no one can dispute what was said) and just be very factual - "H has had an affair and is planning on moving to UAE with the new woman rather than his family. I have therefore decided we will be divorcing. However I will continue to do all I can to facilitate continued contact between you and the DC as I value what the relationship with you brings to their lives. "

Delurking to firstly say what an amazing woman you are. And secondly anyone on fb/tiktok getting a reel in their feed that says "thank you universe for not sending me a chicken nugget husband?

Well done, @Jessa85 ! You're doing incredibly well, and we’re all behind you. Hope you give this jerk exactly what he deserves!

Just had an idea while you still have the chance—along with your screenshots, if possible, take clear, high-quality photos of the key messages displayed on the iPad itself. Also, use your phone to record videos of you holding the iPad, scrolling through and clicking into the WhatsApp and email messages, hold for a little while on them, making sure everything is clearly visible and readable.

It’s unlikely you’ll need it, but having this evidence could be crucial in legal proceedings to help prove that none of the messages were fabricated or altered. This guy seems both awful and money-driven, so you never know what kind of nonsense he might pull and accuse you of photoshopping figures etc.

For what it's worth, creating a fake video to emulate that would require hiring a professional VFX or motion design artist, which would be extremely expensive and time-consuming—easily provable as unrealistic.

Hope this is useful and keep us up to date <3

Thinking about the joint account (and how it played out with the least favourite of my ex stepfathers) I would not go for the freeze option.

He has plenty of access to other funds, so doesn't need the money in the joint account as much as you do. He can therefore hold it hostage and refuse to release it unless you agree to X Y or Z in the divorce settlement. Don't hand him that bargaining chip.

As uncomfortable as it would be, I would show the Inlaws the screen shots so he can't argue that the OP is lying. They need to see his own words to see how he actually views their GC.

I'd be disgusted at my son treating my GC this way and would take a very dim view of the OW enabling this as well. My priority would be to support my GC but I'd also be happy that their mother is helping me to have a relationship directly with them so they know they're still loved by their family.

Again, not about revenge but letting everyone know the truth and where they stand.

I started reading this second thread a few weeks ago and just came back for an update. Incredible turn of events, I’m sorry it’s such hurtful behaviour from your H. I hope you get as much money as possible so you can spend freely on yourself like you deserve to and your girls.
What I did realise after catching up on all the posts is that you are going at a lightening pace and it cannot be sustained without a physical or / and emotional breakdown. So my advice is please please slow down, allow yourself to grieve and be sad but I fully support and back your actions. You are amazing ❤️

Make sure you do a massive food shop today. After all that is a normal expense.

This thread keeps me pushing me back to my own childhood, over and over. My parents had a nasty, toxic relationship and I was totally relieved when my feckless, overspending father left, even though that left me caring for an autistic mother having a protracted and total meltdown. The whole thing had massive repercussions that I'm still dealing with, 30+ years later, but at no point then or since did I think "I wish my Dad hadn't left". Even though we now have some sort of relationship, all I ever think is "I wish he'd pissed off sooner". So don't worry for your girls - at some point, if not already, they will be focusing on the least worst option, which is a happy mother, and not on some ideal. Kids are even more realistic these days anyway - divorce was still rare when I was growing up. And it doesn't sound like you're going to have a massive meltdown any time soon - you sound very strong. You'll have a blip, but then you'll soldier onwards and upwards.

BTW, I deal with a fussy DH when it comes to cooking, but he's on the spectrum, and quite frankly he turns into an angel compared to your entitled arsehole.

I've been reading all of this while on the phone to the psychologist at DS school. She was actually quite reasonable but it gets a bit frustrating to say "we've had 3 years of 'let's see how he's going' and telling them what we think should be happening, can we just have some action now please?"
Anyway well done OP, you are a shero.

Sorry! haven;t RTFT but he lost me at "drab" Thats how you say you are a dickhead without spellling it out, DH

He earns significantly more than her but they split household costs 50/50. Only thing he pays for is holidays. Any spare money the OP has will obviously go on the children leaving nothing for herself.

Why have you come in at this late stage without RTFT or RTOP??

I think you are doing amazingly well.
I think you are right not to drop the car off. You don't want to give any oxygen to the "She's crazy and vindictive" narratives which are part of the playbook for the likes of him.
Feel free to vent frustrations or make up ever elaborate revenge plans on here to keep your sanity.

Maybe you should go into the iPad’s history can delete your searches if you haven’t already.