Page 23 | Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

Jessa85 · 2025-02-28T12:17:47+00:00

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday! I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5283554-husbands-food-preferences-driving-me-crazy?page=19&reply=142513765 Original thread]]

flippinnorrra · 12/03/2025 09:12

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:08

On another note, yesterday I received no messages from him but his ipad was pinging on and off all day. They video called at some point because that is logged on the message history. Not a single messaging asking after me or the girls, no request to call them. My heartbreaks for the girls who asked after school if daddy would call them. I messaged him while I knew he was talking to her and no reply for 3 hours, by which time it was their bedtime and midnight for him. The reply just said, ''sorry can't talk out for dinner with business partners. catch up tomorrow'' Fucking lying scumbag.

I feel sick for you and your girls, what an utter utter shit. Keep records of all of this with time stamps etc.

Sunat45degrees · 12/03/2025 09:16

I will never understand how so many men are able to just abdicate all responsibility and care for their children. Is it nature? Is it cultural? It's so bizarre.

Your DC will be fine, but you will have to support them. My advice is please please please don't tell them things that are objectively untrue. I know everyone always says, "Tell them that daddy and I both love them very much" but I think that just confuses children. I think at some point (not now, obviously - you're a long way from this) you have to be honest even if it's just some version of "Daddy does love you very much but he's not very good at being a Daddy every day. So when we see him you'll be able to have a wonderful time with him and when he' snot around, I'll be here and we will be together and have a lovely life."

SerafinasGoose · 12/03/2025 09:17

I agree with you about the car, OP.

And to restore faith in the integrity of men, enter Grandad ❤

What a magnificent man! He reminds me very much of my own, now sadly long gone, and the only real father-figure I ever had. They are like gold.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:18

@flippinnorrra thank you, It's been so hard deciding what to do but I'm happy with what I've decided and I will report back asap.

He is so stone cold, I can't really see him reacting to it at all but we'll see. His one love is clearly making money so you and everyone else who have told me this could get nasty are probably right and I'm ready for that. I can also get nasty if necessary and I will do whatever it takes.

I've got records of everything, all uploaded from my phone to my laptop and saved onto flash drives. He cannot escape the evidence I have collected and it all shows his true character. I've got every single piece of their conversations, all the financial evidence I could find, everything he has said about the girls.

OP posts:

Snowpaw · 12/03/2025 09:21

I think in your shoes I would be tempted to send him all the screenshots while his plane is in the air so he will see them all as soon as he lands, let him know that all of his things are packed in his car and he can pick the key up from...maybe a neutral party - a friend or a family member?

LordGaGaisasahd · 12/03/2025 09:25

@Jessa85

What's your relationship like with your inlaws?

How do you think they are likely to react?

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:27

Sunat45degrees · 12/03/2025 09:16

I will never understand how so many men are able to just abdicate all responsibility and care for their children. Is it nature? Is it cultural? It's so bizarre.

Your DC will be fine, but you will have to support them. My advice is please please please don't tell them things that are objectively untrue. I know everyone always says, "Tell them that daddy and I both love them very much" but I think that just confuses children. I think at some point (not now, obviously - you're a long way from this) you have to be honest even if it's just some version of "Daddy does love you very much but he's not very good at being a Daddy every day. So when we see him you'll be able to have a wonderful time with him and when he' snot around, I'll be here and we will be together and have a lovely life."

I really don't know but he has always had a tendency to be stone cold and I think that shows here.

With regard to the girls, I've come up with what to tell them and mum will now be staying with us for support. Initially they were going to her but my plans have changed now.

OP posts:

flippinnorrra · 12/03/2025 09:27

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:18

@flippinnorrra thank you, It's been so hard deciding what to do but I'm happy with what I've decided and I will report back asap.

He is so stone cold, I can't really see him reacting to it at all but we'll see. His one love is clearly making money so you and everyone else who have told me this could get nasty are probably right and I'm ready for that. I can also get nasty if necessary and I will do whatever it takes.

I've got records of everything, all uploaded from my phone to my laptop and saved onto flash drives. He cannot escape the evidence I have collected and it all shows his true character. I've got every single piece of their conversations, all the financial evidence I could find, everything he has said about the girls.

A friend of mine in a blaze of absolute glory forensically went through her ex's accounts and cross referenced them with his messages / location to evidence every penny he'd spent on his OW and she was awarded a good portion this back in the final settlement - he too had been financially abusive and she realised while she and her kids had been going without she'd effectively been paying for the OW. It was glorious!

I honestly think it will be better for the girls not to have this man in their lives - and you ofcourse.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 12/03/2025 09:27

Glad you have a plan sorted for the car. If not, I was going to suggest dropping nit at your garage for some cheap work (re.g. eplace the rear windscreen wiper) and telling them your husband will pick it up. That way it's away from the house to reduce the risk of him kicking off in front of the children; there's an official paper trail of the handover; and you don't tip your hand about knowing about the affair

You don't mention whether your chat with the solicitor included whether you can take your half from the joint account. No need to say here, obviously, but I would definitely check this if you've not done so already. And if the soicitor says its OK I'd get that moved before you tell your STBX anything.

There's a real risk he'll clear the lot the second he knows he's been rumbled, and you'll need a financial cushion while everything gets sorted.

SerafinasGoose · 12/03/2025 09:27

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:18

@flippinnorrra thank you, It's been so hard deciding what to do but I'm happy with what I've decided and I will report back asap.

He is so stone cold, I can't really see him reacting to it at all but we'll see. His one love is clearly making money so you and everyone else who have told me this could get nasty are probably right and I'm ready for that. I can also get nasty if necessary and I will do whatever it takes.

I've got records of everything, all uploaded from my phone to my laptop and saved onto flash drives. He cannot escape the evidence I have collected and it all shows his true character. I've got every single piece of their conversations, all the financial evidence I could find, everything he has said about the girls.

If you possibly can, I'd recommend saving that information into a secure, password-protected cloud.

WhatIsCorndogs · 12/03/2025 09:28

I'm sure you've already thought of this but he's likely to change his iPad password as soon as he knows you know...so definitely make sure you've got backups of EVERYTHING before you tell him.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:33

LordGaGaisasahd · 12/03/2025 09:25

@Jessa85

What's your relationship like with your inlaws?

How do you think they are likely to react?

Edited

Very good actually, they just don't live nearby. They call and visit the girls often and from my perspective that won't be changing, they are welcome anytime. Of course I understand the circumstances are about to get very difficult though.

OP posts:

LordGaGaisasahd · 12/03/2025 09:35

Also to add, I hate armchair psychiatric diagnosis but how you describe him (stone cold), his need for control and his ability to lie so smoothly and consistently makes me wonder if he's on the ASPD scale. What particularly stands out is how much he is devoid of empathy for you and the children.

We obviously won't ever be able to know this for sure but just be a little bit careful. His ego is about to take a massive hit because you're taking control away from him. Just because he's got an exit affair underway doesn't mean he'll be happy about the divorce. As others have said be prepared for him to get nasty.

I wouldn't get the locks changed but there's nothing to stop you putting a bolts on the doors.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

So good your mum will be there.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:37

NoBinturongsHereMate · 12/03/2025 09:27

Glad you have a plan sorted for the car. If not, I was going to suggest dropping nit at your garage for some cheap work (re.g. eplace the rear windscreen wiper) and telling them your husband will pick it up. That way it's away from the house to reduce the risk of him kicking off in front of the children; there's an official paper trail of the handover; and you don't tip your hand about knowing about the affair

You don't mention whether your chat with the solicitor included whether you can take your half from the joint account. No need to say here, obviously, but I would definitely check this if you've not done so already. And if the soicitor says its OK I'd get that moved before you tell your STBX anything.

There's a real risk he'll clear the lot the second he knows he's been rumbled, and you'll need a financial cushion while everything gets sorted.

Yes that was a question I raised with my solicitor. I can either take my half and place in my sole account (must declare on form E in the divorce) or I can request for the account to be frozen but that also means I cannot access the funds without his approval and vice versa. So big decision to make there and I will make that decision whilst he's in the air.

OP posts:

anothermnuser123 · 12/03/2025 09:37

The positive of not dropping off the car is you know where he will be and he wont know you are aware of that information. It may come in handy further down the line if he starts being nasty and thinking he has the upper hand as you dont know where he is staying.

Always worth keeping info like that until its needed.

Good luck for tomorrow, whatever you decide to do, ultimately if it gets you freedom from the stress of living with him any longer it will be worth it.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:38

SerafinasGoose · 12/03/2025 09:27

If you possibly can, I'd recommend saving that information into a secure, password-protected cloud.

Show quote history

its auto saved to the cloud on my phone and laptop. I've backed it up on USB to be safe.

OP posts:

LordGaGaisasahd · 12/03/2025 09:38

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:33

Very good actually, they just don't live nearby. They call and visit the girls often and from my perspective that won't be changing, they are welcome anytime. Of course I understand the circumstances are about to get very difficult though.

Show quote history

That's good.

They will probably side with him as he is their son but in time I would show them the messages he sent about the girls and reassure them that they can get contact through you.

To be clear, this wouldn't be for revenge but so they know that he doesn't care about seeing them but you care that they maintain a relationship. That way he won't be able to lie about you being difficult and the girls will know their dad's family cares about them.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:39

WhatIsCorndogs · 12/03/2025 09:28

I'm sure you've already thought of this but he's likely to change his iPad password as soon as he knows you know...so definitely make sure you've got backups of EVERYTHING before you tell him.

I have indeed, I'm MI5 over here 😂

OP posts:

FriendofDorothy · 12/03/2025 09:42

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:39

I have indeed, I'm MI5 over here 😂

Show quote history

I think you are magnificent!

Original poster

Jessa85 · 12/03/2025 09:42

LordGaGaisasahd · 12/03/2025 09:38

That's good.

They will probably side with him as he is their son but in time I would show them the messages he sent about the girls and reassure them that they can get contact through you.

To be clear, this wouldn't be for revenge but so they know that he doesn't care about seeing them but you care that they maintain a relationship. That way he won't be able to lie about you being difficult and the girls will know their dad's family cares about them.

Show quote history

Absolutely, I hope as I've known them for so long they will want to talk to me about this too. I would do nothing maliciously but only tell my truth. I will be very clear that from my side they are welcome to visit the girls and call at anytime.

OP posts:

Trickedbyadoughnut · 12/03/2025 09:44

You are doing so amazing, thinking of so many things, I am in awe.

I guess the silver lining is that your first thread gave you the impetus to set the ball rolling and get ahead of the game - if you hadn't gone digging around, he might never have been upfront about the affair too. If he's lying to you all this time, he'll lie to her and could well have told her that he'd told you ...

BodenCardiganNot · 12/03/2025 09:46

I'm all agog!!! This mad!

Ang69 · 12/03/2025 09:50

Just caught up with your thread Jessa and just had to comment. It has been said many times already but bloody hell, you are INCREDIBLE!!

I know this is not a soap opera and behind your messages must be a lot of sadness, especially for your girls. That's tough right now but your girls are being given such a gift. They will have a relationship with their dad I'm sure but they will soon learn he really is a scumbag and thank God their mum got rid. What they will learn is to not take any shit from men and to know their own worth. You will have given this to them, they will learn from the best.

Take him all the way Jessa. Hit him in the pocket where it will hurt him the most. You already have such good advice from so many already so nothing to add there. I think you're doing the right thing re the car. Keep your head high, good things are coming your way, you have so much to be excited for.

Oh, with regards OW, she is just a play thing. It's so easy to be all dolled up for a sleazy few days. Let her live with him, cook his boring meals, see his true character. She won't last a minute with him and they'll both be onto their next conquest. People like that never really find true happiness as they don't actually deserve it.

Rooting for you along with I think the whole of mumsnet!!

LurkyMcLurkinson · 12/03/2025 09:51

You're doing a wonderful job of managing a challenging time and putting your girls first. I’d pay good money to see his face when he realises how much he’s under estimated you and it sinks in what a power house you are and that you won’t roll over.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/03/2025 09:52

I think the OW is an ego thing. I am sure he could as easily drop her, too.
This man clearly thinks he’s very clever. Financially abusing you, putting you down. Doing the wife work.
And then the OW totters about doing the mistress work.
And he thinks he’s Logan Roy, jetting about with his money, ordering everyone about, and then having a shit fit if it’s not oven chips* for dinner.
He has never thought for one minute that he’s left a trail of evidence in that study, or that you’d find it.
I am sure he went to bed last night thinking what a clever fella he is.
Now this bit isn’t serious but imagine if mid flight the pilot could say…
‘A short message for Clive in row 5. We do hope you had a lovely time in UAE and we look forward to having you fly with us on your return. Just to make you aware, your wife knows about Judy, who is currently awaiting you with a bottle of plonk and an array of beige snacks.
Which is a good job as your home is no longer yours, and your dedicated wife, who by the way knows everything, has assembled a small army to make sure she gets everything you have stolen from her. Good luck with your shitty future. Clive, you’re going to need it.’
He has completely underestimated OP and I have visions of her, when the dust has settled, enjoying her freedom. And while appearance doesn’t matter, as a woman it’s still great to have a lovely haircut and some new wardrobe choices.
I hope his parents are thoroughly ashamed of him.
*No disrespect to oven chips!