Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

DIVORCE.
You will be hundred times better off, physically, mentally and financially.
FUCK HIM.

It sounds like the Gottmans four horsemen have properly set in and the marriage is pretty much doomed.

it really doesn’t matter if you can’t stay in the house, no point stretching yourself financially unnecessarily. Kids don’t need a big fancy house to be happy, no one does.

It's so funny, sort of, when the penny drops and you instantly go from thinking they're ok ish to realising they're awful and you've hated them for years, but pushed this down so that you can get on with parenting.

Good luck op x

@Jessa85 I earn around 45k and my husband earns about £150k. He works full time and I work 4 days. All money is shared, and we ensure our pensions and savings are equal.
We have a cleaner 2 hours a week because we can afford it and means I don't spend my one day off doing chores all day.
The remaining chores and cooking are shared between us. I do do a bit more because of my day off but I don't feel I have to.
Your husband is a complete arse and sounds like he has really shown what he thinks of you. I really wonder where he thinks your relationship can go from here after he's spoken so terribly to you.
I'm totally rooting for you.

Op, I've followed the thread and just to say, well done for setting it up and working out your reality.

You come across as an intelligent, caring and strong woman.

We're all rooting for you. 🙂

Op just smile while you get all your ducks in a row, gray rock to any conversations, honestly he doesn't know what's coming, deserves anything he gets, when we find that anger well good on you you have your anger, 😁 remember smile and wave,

Just dropping in so I can keep up to date with everything going on and to let you know @Jessa85 how amazing you’re being.

You can’t take back what’s happened in the past but you can take control of how you want your future to look.

Get all the legal advice you can, do your research and have a plan and then divorce that tosser asap and make sure you leave with what’s fair for you and your girls. Go through CMS to get the correct amount he’ll owe you for the kids as well, don’t let him set an amount he thinks is right because I bet it will be less than you are entitled to.

Good for you op.

We're all on your side OP. Stay strong. Come here for advice if and when you need it (the legal board has helped me more than once). Good luck, it'll be a bumpy ride but your life will be so much better x

Well then maybe you need to find a better paying job'

Awesome idea, I'd love to. When can you take over the cooking and housework so that I can have the time to go to interviews? Let me know, I'm so excited.

He has investments whilst driving you of every penny??
What is this job of his?
What an utter cunt.

What an arsehole

*draining

He sounds disgusting. Well done to you for realising it and making change!! It's a huge step and takes bravery.

Defo carry on as normal. In fact tell him you are pleased that there’s now going to be a better balance in your marriage etc.

Get the details of his ( actually your joint ) investments.

Act like you are taking on board his advice about getting a better paid job . In fact it might be good idea to get one.

As,Pa for his advice about jnvestemets and starting your own private pension . That might give you a clue as to where his money is hidden .

You have to act like you are going along with him. I know it’s hard when you what to scream “ fuck off you bastard” but you need to play the long game here .
Stop contributing to the joint account and use that money to buy clothes etc for yourself . If he objects, tell him you thought that’s what he wanted. And no, he can’t use that against you in the divorce you are allowed to buy clothes.

Don't give him the slightest hint that it’s over.

and sorry to say this, but don’t assume it will be over quickly. He will fight a divorce when he sees how much it will cost him.

What an absolute jobby (you need to be Scottish to appreciate the insult). Good for you. Definitely don't ask him to move out this weekend. Keep your powder dry and see what your lawyer advised.

Ah well at least you now have lots of plans for the weekend.

Remember 50/50 is a starting point for EVERYTHING financial including his pensions and investments. And it is only a starting point. Especially if he doesn't have the girls 50/50 which of course the lazy bugger won't although he might try it to avoid paying maintenace!

Hope you're having something lovely and creamy/with chunky vegetables tonight.

You're a star OP.

I’d definitely keep your cards close to chest and get ducks in row. The sheer audacity.
To be honest it’s given you good cover for appointments with solicitors etc - I’d just keep putting appointments and shopping trips in calendar leaving him with kids..out again? Yes you did say I was drab and it made me realise I’ve been neglecting me. I’m having full cut and colour hairdressers Saturday will be 4 hours, you’ll need to cancel golf/cycling etc.

Definitely get legal advice and get documents secured. Give the DC’s birth certificates to your relatives, same with marriage certificate and any bank accounts/investment/pension paperwork, print off statements if possible.

I'm not sure how his higher wage gives him the status of being unaccountable for ALL household tasks.. when you share all costs 50/50, that's disgusting! He isn't the breadwinner by any means.

If you need to delay the divorce proceedings, then don't be afraid to change the contributions to the monthly bills immediately, it should always have been based on your earnings anyway, and will give you a cash injection in the mean time.

I know someone with a husband like this, picky eater, lived at home till marriage and never had to lift a finger.. the only difference being the person I know out earns him too.. I always wonder why people stay together which such uneven outlooks on life, I think they just get ground down over time and it is easier to do it yourself rather than to nag constantly.

He doesn't deserve you OP.

OP, I don't mean to be sinister, but change your passwords. Email, phone, Facebook Messenger, online banking, Google Drive, Mumsnet...

Some couples share this information, or maybe you just leave your laptop/tablet logged in or you share an Apple account.

If you want to keep your cards close to your chest you need to make sure that what you have in terms of documents and finances, and what you post is private.

Maybe even go as far as creating a new email adress on Gmail or whatever to handle any comms with a sollicitor, only you will know how tech-savvy or nosey he is.

Just keep steady, play the long game. Do not give him any idea that you are thinking of divorce, as he will start moving money around. In fact I would retreat a little, maybe one meal this weekend that he will eat, you must not spook him. You really need his investment details.

On a separate note, having worked in banking, I’m not sure what you are hoping for from your meeting with your bank? They will really only be able to go through your accounts. You are not at a point where you should be moving money around, or taking him off of accounts. You could set up two signature requirements for certain accounts, which would stop him moving money from joint accounts without your say so, just be careful. I’m only saying this as I don’t want you to feel deflated this coming week.

You should get a lot from your meeting with a solicitor. It took me three goes before I found the right one. I do think it is important to find a good solicitor that will take on board you as an individual, be honest with what you are likely to achieve and that you feel you can work with and know they will fight your corner. However in a first meeting the legal advice probably won’t vary much (in my experience).

Keep it calm, you are in charge now, business head on. This could actually be the better paying job that he told you to get! 😂

Please treat that last comment as a bit throw away, I don’t actually believe that women should always come out with everything and half his pension, but he has clearly not been treating your fairly.

Wow, those comments about looking drab and you manage the cleaning why pay a cleaner - I mean, I can't believe the gall to actually say that. What an absolute asshole.

If you can manage, I maybe wouldn't send him to a hotel - he might panic and start hiding assets. Given your conversation, I'd guess it's fine to give him the cold shoulder, it doesn't sound like that will have him panicking, as you say you've had similar conversations before you went to counselling.

Agree about the forensic accountant if he doesn't come through with the info about the investments/the maths doesn't add up. The solicitor might be able to recommend one.

You sounds amazing and tne day soon you'll feel a surge of lightness as you cut this deadweight free ...

Well done OP, you’re setting a strong example to your DDs. Enjoy your idiot-free weekend.