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Original poster

Won’t live with dogs.

207 replies

OneDaringDreamer · 27/02/2025 07:10

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/02/2025 07:11

Best you know this now so that you can end it.

healthybychristmas · 27/02/2025 07:11

You don't want the same thing I'm afraid. He does not want to live with dogs. You do. Therefore, you can't live together.

Porcuporpoise · 27/02/2025 07:13

Well he's being very clear about his boundaries- that's a good thing. If you think that makes you incompatible then maybe the relationship has no future?

Lurkingandlearning · 27/02/2025 07:14

He seems to be assuming that when you no longer have your youngest dog that you will never want to own another dog. If you love dogs that seems unlikely.

If you want to cohabit with a partner, he's not the man for you.

bluecupandsaucer · 27/02/2025 07:18

I was in the situation when I met dp - he had 3 dogs ( 2 were his and one was his mums as she had become unwell) , I’m allergic plus autistic and cannot cope with dogs at all so I had to explain that the relationship couldn’t progress as I was not able to move in with him due to the dogs, he rehomed them but I fully expected that to have been a deal breaker for most people. I think you have to accept that this kind of thing often ends relationships

cait967 · 27/02/2025 07:18

He’s entitled to not want dogs. You can decide what they means for you. He’s being upfront and fair

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 07:19

Can't you just date? I'll never understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men you're not married to, Is it for financial reasons?

MiserableMrsMopp · 27/02/2025 07:20

It's fine. Live apart. I don't get the issue. Don't give up your dogs for a man! But he's also not wrong for not wanting to live with dogs.

ThymeScent · 27/02/2025 07:20

He is being honest.
slightly different scenario - I ended a relationship with my recent ex because I didn’t want a dog and he has always wanted one. He got one, assuming I would fall in love with it.(The dog is very cute and I did indeed enjoy spending time with her /but I did not want to live with a dog ( or cat).
Dont’t blame him for not wanting the same thing as you but do end it - on good terms. He has clearly tried -with the dog beds etc /but is making a sensible decision.

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 07:21

Lots of people wouldn't want to live with a dog, just as lots of people wouldn't want to live without one.

You're just incompatible - either live apart or split up.

Nannyfannybanny · 27/02/2025 07:21

Morning, firstly a 10 year.old terrier won't live between 4-10 more years. I've had dogs all my life friends with border terriers, one died last year at 12.. anyway. Oddly, I met my second DH at work (that's not the odd part,) a friend and I were writing a list "perfect man", pros cons,my first was non smoker, second must love dogs.! I had one,so did he. He always said he hated cats, I had one, his dog also hated cats. I said if you move in with me we're a package (he wasn't phased by my 3 DKs🤣) he moved in,we got a second cat, rescue same as the first. His dog who was 13, and had always slept in bed with him, slept quite happily on a sofa with my 2 cats..I haven't had a cat for 16 years sadly, although we have had DD when she's gone on holiday. This probably doesn't help your situation,DH and I have been together 35 years,we have 2 dogs, and I couldn't give them up..

Dontsayyouloveme · 27/02/2025 07:24

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 07:19

Can't you just date? I'll never understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men you're not married to, Is it for financial reasons?

“A mumsnet obsession”?? 🙄 Did you not know, lots of people want to live with their partner, for no other reason than they love them! It’s 2025, you don’t have to be married to do it!

notgettinganyyounger · 27/02/2025 07:24

He is making it clear he doesn't want dogs now or in the future. To me a life without dogs would be a deal breaker. Bin him off.

LameBorzoi · 27/02/2025 07:24

So live apart.

How old are you? Are you considering kids in the future? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with no dogs?

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 07:25

I think he's being fair and clear so it just comes down to your own priorities really. If you need to live together, if you'll always want dogs, then this isn't going to work. If you're just surprised but will be okay with separate places when you've got your head around it, then that's fine and good. It's only been 18mo so it's not necessarily time to move in together yet, but your future plans will of course depend on your age and whether you're wanting a family or not. I couldn't live with a partner with dogs either so I get where he's coming from. I suspect the issue is that it's not just about your current dogs but the fact you'll always be wanting some around. Plenty of people like dogs so if this is a big deal to you, you might be best drawing the line now and finding a dog person next time.

LillyPJ · 27/02/2025 07:27

Just carry on living in separate houses. You can still see each other. Even some married couples live apart.

TommyShelbysRazor · 27/02/2025 07:28

I dont think it's that you are incompatible, that seems to be pretty catastrophising if the relationship is otherwise going well and you've been happy until now. But your living arrangements will never be compatible in reality. He can't be expected to like or live with dogs if he really doesn't want to. Equally you can't be expected to give up your dogs, akin to family members to you.

You have to decide if you're happy living apart forever or if this is something you really want and therefore can't see a future with this man without living together.

TweedCoat · 27/02/2025 07:29

Me living in my own place with my dogs, and boyfriend nearby in his own place sounds bliss!

Terrier mum here... our two that passed away were 14 and 16 when they died...

Discombobble · 27/02/2025 07:30

I’m not a dog person, and would not want to live with dogs. I would also not want a live-in partner who did not like my cats. I’m at a stage in life now, however that I prefer my cats!

curious79 · 27/02/2025 07:30

live apart - best of both worlds, and allows you to ease into being closer to one another
He isn't subject to dogs - and I feel his pain there
You're not subject to a full grown adult male pissing on your patch
It's great that he's honest and has told you his boundaries

finaldestination55 · 27/02/2025 07:30

I rehomed a dog in my 20's because of the same reason. I was lucky enough to rehome it with somebody I knew. Initially, boyfriend of the time agreed that I could have contact as a compromise. So I paid towards its keep & walked it a couple of times a week etc. maybe even stayed with us once or twice but that all dwindled out. Said boyfriend left me, I was so upset that I had given up a much loved pet for someone who I had compromised for and then he left me. It didn't seem fair to the dog to take it back after 4 years of living happily with someone else. I still regret my decision to this day but fair play to him he's been honest with you.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 27/02/2025 07:30

Hmmmmm this is really tricky. its not like he hasn't tried either - by your account he has tried but just simply doesn't like dogs. That's OK!

Must you live together? What is making you think that this is where the relationship must go?

Living together isn't a prerequisite for having a lovely relationship, we just tend to think "moving in is what happens next just because"

I wouldn't rehome my pup for the sake of a man. She was here first and he should have turned up sooner 😂 Imagine if someone rehomed and ended up breaking up 😱

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 07:30

Yes |I do.

It's just they go about it in a funny way. Years ago, people used to live together as a kind of "trial marriage" - to see if they actually were compatible before they committed. Nowadays, it seems to be as a mutually beneficial thing (mainly beneficial to the man, although the womens finances ususally improve).

The thing that would make me wary would be the fact that british men have got a bit of a bad reputation for moving in with a women and then slowly using her as the domestic appliances whilst he happily carries on with his life (paying half the amount he was before). Nah fuck that. Marry me or live on your own.

Allelbowsandtoes · 27/02/2025 07:30

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 07:19

Can't you just date? I'll never understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men you're not married to, Is it for financial reasons?

What a weird comment. There are many long term couples who either don't want to marry or aren't in a rush to marry. Many of them still want to share their lives and for most couples that means living together. Also, (and this is obviously just my opinion) why tf would you want to commit to marriage with someone you'd not lived with for a few years? Living together is a great way of properly understanding how compatible you are in terms of housework, sharing the emotional labour, finances etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 07:31

I think he's being sensible here. He is absolutely allowed to not want to live with dogs, good for him for stating it.

So you choice is to 'live together apart' (which is many peoples dream relationship with no specific reason!) or break up.

This is how relationships roll. You fancy each other, great, you find out if you like each other, then you find out if you can live together. You two can't.