Won’t live with dogs.

[OneDaringDreamer]

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

You might be able to make it work. DH and I have now been together for 13 years and he had a 1 year old Labrador puppy when we met.

I am not a dog person and would never have contemplated getting a dog. But DH is also the love of my life and neither of us would have given up on the relationship.

After 5 years DH eventually moved in with me and my 2 DS. One DS really liked having a dog, the other didn't.

We compromised to have a mainly dog free house with the dog living in the kitchen diner.

It has worked OK for us, but it did take a while to get used to the idea. I still don't like the dog smell or the hair, which are the main things I find difficult about dogs, but I tolerate it because it is only in one room and not in the whole house.

Some people might think this is unfair on the dog, but she seemed to get used to it and has company when people are in the kitchen/diner.

DH thought it would be unfair on the dog to rehome her. We wouldn't have split up over it as both of us believed we would never meet someone we felt like this about again. I think we did the right thing looking back.

Our dog is 14 now and is probably near the end of her days and my DS are both officially adults. We are still very happy together and will have each other when both DS have flown the nest and the dog is no longer with us.

So there are actually two dogs and two sets of kids to consider. That’s a lot. Blending those two households would be really quite complex. It’s not just about what works for you and your partner but also about what works for the kids and the dogs too. If you’re both enjoying the relationship with regular sleep overs but not actually living in each other’s space then continuing that might actually be the best way to maximize the good parts of the relationship while minimizing the stress to everyone involved. It could be something you revisit when all the kids are becoming more independent and no longer need to live with you if they’d rather move out and yes, when the dogs have reached or are reaching the end of their lifespan. Maybe you’ll still be together and want to move in together at that point. Maybe you’ll have broken up. And maybe you’ll still be enjoying your relationship but with your own space.
If a live in partner is really important to you at this stage of your life then this relationship isn’t going to work for you and that’s no one’s fault. But it sounds like maybe you just hadn’t really considered the option of living apart but being together for the mid-term.

I think it sounds like he’s really tried to get on board because he wants to be with you (buying them beds, allowing them in his house, talking about a conservatory for them) but has realised it’s too much.

You said they’re better behaved now having been trained - were they quite yappy or naughty previously?

I had always been ambivalent toward most dogs - didn’t like most ‘doggy’ traits i.e. barking, being jumped on, but never hugely bothered me. It was only after moving in with an ex who had a small, smelly, untrained & yappy dog that I came to realise it’s tantamount to sensory torture for someone who doesn’t adore them. There were other more serious issues, but even if we’d been happy, the relationship would have ended due to my inability to live with a dog. It’s something I learnt while I was in that relationship, and I’ve been upfront about it to future partners - hasn’t been an issue since. Love having pets, but sticking with cats.

I think it’s hard to understand why if you’re a dog person, and it isn’t personal OP. Even if your animals are well behaved, quiet, etc. it’s the very nature of dogs that people seem to have to plan a lot of their lives around them and take them everywhere. That’s a huge burden and quite problematic for someone who is used to more independence or doesn’t love them to bits.

Unless you can accept his suggestion, and never have dogs again after yours aren’t here, I agree with others that you may need to reconsider this relationship. Your dogs may also pick up on not being wanted in their home.

How old are your sons?! If they’re young the bigger issue is moving in some man after only 18 month tbh.

It wasn’t just inconvenient it was a real and serious issue. He was very responsible and went to a lot of effort to rehome the dogs to safe loving homes.

I adore ddog and I couldn't share my life with someone who didn't want them around.

If you're happy not to have more dogs in the future then it seems sensible to just live apart whilst you have your dogs.

I don't think you need to give up your dogs OR the relationship, unless you are dead set on moving in with someone in the next few years.

I know that allergies are a real issue but there is no way in hell that I’d date anyone with them due to the incompatibility and there’s not a chance in hell that I’d get rid of existing dogs for a new partner.

He was selfish and a terrible dog owner for getting rid of them. Yes it’s good that they went to nice homes(or so it seems) but the fact that he was willing to treat them as disposable in the first place says so much and I could never have respect for a man who thought so little of his pets that he saw them as disposable objects.

Did he use a rescue or advertise them on gumtree?

It’s good he’s realised this now and didn’t move in then demand you rehome them. No problem waiting until the time is right for everyone.

I wouldn’t rehome my dog or ban him to one small corner of the house to spend hours alone for anyone.

A dog needs a good home with caring owners that look after it.

Dogs are animals, they are not children. It sounds like the dogs in this situation were absolutely fine and they were very well looked after in loving homes.

It doesn't sound like he 'treated them as disposable' at all - it sounds like it was a difficult circumstance and he did his best for them.

Neither - His sister took their mums dog as she wasn’t well enough to look after otherwise but still wanted it in the family to visit regularly and he rehomed his 2 dogs to another family member . He continued to pay for their care until they passed away he wasn’t an irresponsible owner at all, he just was in a situation where my allergies and sensory issues meant it was a choice he had to make if he wanted to stay in a relationship with me. There was no ultimatum I didn’t ask him to choose me I just explained that I couldn’t progress things as it was and he wanted to.

we both have children and don’t want anymore. I’m 46 anyway he’s 48.
and I guess I thought we’d get married and live together. But now I have got to rethink the future.
but yes living separate isn’t a problem I guess. But I think I didn’t expect this

Sounds like it's just the surprise that's the issue then, because as a PP said, it's two sets of kids as well as the dogs, and still early-ish days in that situation, so better to live separately and enjoy your own homes while having the benefit of him living closer. By the time your kids are older and your dogs have passed on, then you can live together if it's still what you both want. But there sounds like more risks/cons to moving in now anyway even if the dogs weren't a factor. Hopefully you can see it as progress that he's moving closer, but considerate that he doesn't want to cause friction and upset by trying to live with the dogs. It's very different having them to stay than them being in your space all the time. And the fact you're older and don't want kids together is a positive thing so there's no particular time pressure.

I don't blame him

I think it's foolish not to live together for a decent while before marriage. Weeds out the lazy bastards.

He really didn’t he saw them regularly and paid for their care after rehoming he didn’t just walk away from his responsibilities he just had to change how he met his responsibilities

This.

No he didn’t. He made a commitment to those dogs(His at least, less so his Mother’s dog) when he took them on and he let them down. Pets are not disposable and I don’t understand any true animal lover and pet owner giving up their dogs for a relationship. And again this is exactly why I would never date anyone with allergies or anyone who disliked dogs because my dogs were here first and that’s not a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

He got rid of his dogs. You can dress it up to make it sound better but he ultimately dumped his dogs when they became inconvenient.But enjoy your dud.

He’s definitely allowed his preference not to live with dogs but this would ultimately be a deal breaker for me. Dogs have always been and will always be a part of my life. I wouldn’t sacrifice having more in the future just to have someone in my life.

I’m with you. There are, obviously, some circumstances where dogs might need to be rehomed but they are few and far between.

Well done for him for being crystal clear about his dislike for dogs and asserting his boundaries. And well done you for acknowledging those limitations and respecting.
I think this is unambiguous clear-cut case whereby you will have to choose the dogs or him.
I know what I would do. Do you?

They're just dogs, and rehoming them is perfectly legal and acceptable. Get off your high horse.

And I also pity the poor dog who is confined to one room. Yes it’s good that he kept her but being willing to treat your dog like that at your partner’s request is terrible. He ought to be ashamed.

Yes, well - everyone has choices.
I wouldn't live with dogs either, not for any partnership.
Incompatible!