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Original poster

Won’t live with dogs.

207 replies

OneDaringDreamer · 27/02/2025 07:10

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 27/02/2025 10:47

I couldn't live with any animals, so I understand what he is saying.

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 10:54

He doesn't feel he can live with the dogs. You obviously can't get rid of your dogs (or even confine them to a conservatory all the time - that's not a reasonable way to keep dogs).

Neither of you is in the wrong; you both have your deal-breakers. Your options are either a) continue a relationship with him knowing that you won't be able to live together, or b) split up.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 27/02/2025 10:57

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:59

A month ago this man was also giving her the silent treatment, snapping at her and sulking. He was playing games with his social media picture and making her question things. This to me makes me assume it is another little game to see whether if he pushes her she will prove her love.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5270062-mans-gone-silent?postsby=OneDaringDreamer

Edited
Show quote history

Oh dear

Get rid of him, OP

Stick with your lovely dogs

MrsKeats · 27/02/2025 11:00

finaldestination55 · 27/02/2025 07:30

I rehomed a dog in my 20's because of the same reason. I was lucky enough to rehome it with somebody I knew. Initially, boyfriend of the time agreed that I could have contact as a compromise. So I paid towards its keep & walked it a couple of times a week etc. maybe even stayed with us once or twice but that all dwindled out. Said boyfriend left me, I was so upset that I had given up a much loved pet for someone who I had compromised for and then he left me. It didn't seem fair to the dog to take it back after 4 years of living happily with someone else. I still regret my decision to this day but fair play to him he's been honest with you.

Rehomed a dog for a man!!
Appalling.

Original poster
OneDaringDreamer · 27/02/2025 11:20

Yes I’m beginning to think this is a test in some ways, by him. Yes people can and do change there mind. Thank you for your advice everyone:) I’m going to have a good think about this xx

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/02/2025 11:22

After reading your other post it definitely seems like this is just another mind game to him and he’s probably testing how much control he has over you.

Do not give up your dogs for this man or write off having any more in future.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 12:05

Sod him. If someone said they couldn't live with my cats I'd bin them.
Surely there must be a dog lovers dating site.
There is no way in hell I'd be prepared to live without a dog or cat.

charmanderflame · 27/02/2025 12:24

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 09:52

I’m not in the least ‘callous’, and I have never suggested pets are in any way equivalent to unwanted ornaments. When a friend ended up with a dog he couldn’t cope with after a divorce, I walked him twice a day for a year despite a demanding FT job until he was able to rehome him. I then travelled a long distance several times to check on this dog in his new home as I was concerned as to how he would cope (not an ordinary domestic situation, and the dog was nervy, had bitten people, was reactive around other dogs etc). He was not only fine, but thriving. He was pleased to see me but he no longer needed me or his former owner. The truth is that dogs don’t need people as much as people think they do, when they have a dog pack to integrate with.

This animal was immeasurably better off without his former family of ten years, and living a very free life with other dogs. I think the anthropomorphism doesn’t help dogs.

Show quote history

The truth is that dogs don’t need people as much as people think they do

Indeed. If people want to anthropomorphise dogs and pretend they have human emotions because it makes them feel more connected to their pets, that's fine.

But the reality is that when put into an equivalent situation, dogs will quickly adapt. They will not pine for you for the rest of their lives. Animals simply do not work like that.

Of course they do bond with humans and possibly remember them and are loyal - but the fact is that they are not humans. They live in the moment and they quickly move on. They don't need you, they need shelter, a pack (be that dogs or humans), exercise and food.

RachelLikesTea · 27/02/2025 12:38

I suppose it depends on whether you are always going to want to have a dog and if so, whether he thinks he can ever learn to live with them. Living near to one another and dating sounds like a good plan for now, anyway, as you are only 18 months in.

Joystir59 · 27/02/2025 12:44

When I met my partner she had 4 adult cats and 4 kittens. I am very allergic to cats and used to be ill with flu like symptoms if I spent more than 24 hours in her house. She really wanted a fully shared life with me and so rehomed all but 1 cat. I could manage easily with just 1 cat, and came to dearly love the cat. I do not believe the welfare of pets comes before the welfare of of people.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 12:46

Good grief. Lots of people who couldn't care less about animals here. I wouldn't go out with any of them.

Joystir59 · 27/02/2025 12:48

I've also had a situation where a human-aggressive dog would not adapt to my friend moving in with me. This dog had been a Battersea Dogs home inmate twice and in the 6 years I had him he bit everyone who spent enough time with him. I wanted the companionship and fully rich life my friend and I could share. I decided to have him PTS before he bit again. As I say, pets do not trump people when it comes to decisions about how you want to live. Otherwise rescue centres would be empty.

Joystir59 · 27/02/2025 12:52

Not even if you fell deeply in love with someone who was allergic to your pet?

Netcam · 27/02/2025 13:32

charmanderflame · 27/02/2025 12:24

The truth is that dogs don’t need people as much as people think they do

Indeed. If people want to anthropomorphise dogs and pretend they have human emotions because it makes them feel more connected to their pets, that's fine.

But the reality is that when put into an equivalent situation, dogs will quickly adapt. They will not pine for you for the rest of their lives. Animals simply do not work like that.

Of course they do bond with humans and possibly remember them and are loyal - but the fact is that they are not humans. They live in the moment and they quickly move on. They don't need you, they need shelter, a pack (be that dogs or humans), exercise and food.

Show quote history

I agree with this, well said.

Dweetfidilove · 27/02/2025 13:47

I like a person who is clear about their boundaries. It allows you to make the decision as to if/how this relationship can serve you.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:18

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 07:19

Can't you just date? I'll never understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men you're not married to, Is it for financial reasons?

This!

I've known my postman longer than OP has known this man. Why the frantic push to move in??

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:22

I would not give up my autonomy to someone who's not on the same page with a fundamental life choice like pet ownership. To each their own but I'd not narrow my options just to placate someone into living with me.

Original poster
OneDaringDreamer · 01/03/2025 07:01

So the situation has evolved and I’ve let him know I’m unhappy that he’s changed his mind about living with me and the dogs.
he has responded by insulting my home by saying it smells of dogs and he can’t live in that environment. He’s been patronising about I can’t smell it but everyone else can. and told me to sell my youngest dog.and I’d thank him in the long run.
ive totally ignored his rude and cowardly message. I feel upset and angry that I’ve opened my home up for him and his boys too be insulted.
i can assure you I’m a clean and tidy person and this is a highly sensitive person in my opinion

OP posts:
MegTheForgetfulCat · 01/03/2025 07:20

Leave him. This is not the otherwise nice relationship you describe in your first post. He sounds awful.

Original poster
OneDaringDreamer · 01/03/2025 07:21

Yes it’s taken a huge nose dive from a lovely caring man to this

OP posts:
MegTheForgetfulCat · 01/03/2025 07:23

He's shown you who he really is. I'm sorry OP Flowers

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/03/2025 07:24

I’m sure you are a clean and tidy person but your home will smell of dogs. It’s just a fact.

MegTheForgetfulCat · 01/03/2025 07:27

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/03/2025 07:24

I’m sure you are a clean and tidy person but your home will smell of dogs. It’s just a fact.

That may or may not be true, but if it is true and he felt that strongly about it it would have been a deal-breaker from the start. If he's an otherwise nice person then irrespective of whether he's a dog lover he wouldn't be suggesting OP sell her dog and that she would thank him for it in the long run Hmm

user1492757084 · 01/03/2025 07:32

So, BF gave the dogs a chance.
What is it about your dogs that he can't tolerate?
Are they badly trained?

Is the Terrier yappy and loud?
Do they go every where with you?
Do dogs have their own out door yard and night time space?
Do you have time alone with BF?

If you can not accommodate your BF in your life with your dogs as they are now, then you should split up and give him a chance of meeting a person with just one dog or no dogs at all.

Original poster
OneDaringDreamer · 01/03/2025 08:00

Ive accommodated my boyfriend and opened my home to him and his children.
yes I have a garden and my dogs are now very well behaved and happy. It’s the smell he can’t live with supposedly. I know that dog homes smell of dogs but in all honesty it’s not horrendous cos I’m a clean person. They have there smelly moments.
he should of told me this in a nicer way than by a text and way before now .

OP posts: