Won’t live with dogs.

[OneDaringDreamer]

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

I would have more respect for a man who prioritised his partner’s needs than the needs of an animal. He sounds like he did the best he could - decent new home for the dogs, and continuing with a relationship which will hopefully last a long time. This is not someone who just dumped his dog in a shelter, which I would judge. Circumstances change and people matter more than animals.

It sounds pretty straightforward, OP. Living apart but nearby for now is a good thing for a number of reasons. In a few years, when your dogs pass away, you can reasess.

Fair enough he doesn't like dogs and you wouldn't want him to be alone with them if you did move together as whilst he may not be deliberately cruel he could neglect them.

The relationship is over as you can't give the dogs up and he has made it clear he won't accept them on a permanent basis.

I couldn't live with dogs. They put me on edge and I'd never be able to relax.

I know a couple of perfectly happy long term couples who don't live together and it works well for them, you don't necessarily have to end it

It also sounds like you will never have another dog.... I would rather live without a man than a dog

He didn't 'let them down'.

Dogs need a good home, with good owners, who feed them and look after them.

He didn't abandon them on the street. He provided what they needed when his life circumstances changed. These things happen. He didn't treat them as 'disposable', he had a change in his life circumstances and it sounds like he found it quite difficult and went to great effort to ensure they were looked after.

You are being extremely harsh - life happens and the dogs were fine and had what they needed.

Mumsnet obsession ? LOL
What planet do you live on ? 😂😂😂

guess I thought we’d get married and live together. But now I have got to rethink the future.
but yes living separate isn’t a problem I guess. But I think I didn’t expect this

You can get married and still live apart OP. You don't have to live together.

Personally the marriages I see IRL who live apart have the closest relationships. They seem to not have had familiarity set in.

He's allowed to feel differently from you, OP. I wouldn't want to live with dogs (or any pets) either - too much of a tie, for one thing.
Having separate places would be fine, though - I know lots of older couples who find that this works best for them.

They’re just dogs. That says it all. “Just dogs” only living, breathing, feeling, intelligent creatures that have evolved for millennia to bond closely with humans and to be our constant companions and helpers.

It can be traumatic for dogs to be rehomed. They really do bond deeply with us and barring truly exceptional circumstances(Homelessness, serious illness etc) you make a commitment to them or should for the rest of their relatively short lives and if you can’t deal with that then don’t get a dog(Or any other pet.)

And no I’ll stay on my high horse thank you. I rather like the view and I’d sooner stay up here than come down to be with people who are happy to treat their dogs like an unwanted Ikea purchase.

No he made an active choice to get rid of them. The dogs were there first, his commitment to them was ignored in favour of his dick.

It was a very deliberate choice. It was one that he did not have to make but he did.

And again I really do not understand any dog lover choosing to date someone who is ultimately incompatible whether that’s because of allergies or dislike of dogs.

It does indeed sound like this couple are incompatible if OP cannot see a future without a dog and/or doesn't want to wait until her current dogs have died before moving in. But her partner has been honest about his feelings and made an effort (got dog beds etc). Describing ending the relationship as "binning him off" is not necessary. No one has done anything wrong here.

Hes changed his mind and is happy to live separately until your dogs die

Sadly THIS means you can never have another dog. And that you can't live together for a long time

You'd be choosing him over any future dogs

Live separately but close together. Sounds great actually. Wish my partner had agreed to that, lol. I have dogs and my partner knew that and accepted it. He’s defo a dog person now btw, they grew on him!

I also don’t understand the people who are happy to see them give up something that they love either.

I detest motorcycles. I’d struggle to date anyone who had one and who was truly passionate about it but neither would I for a minute want them to give it up for me. What a shit start to the relationship that would be, to force them to give up a true passion on my behalf, to squash an important part of them. Of course small sacrifices happen in a relationship but to require that they give something so important to them seems so wrong. I’d sooner part company.

And this ridiculous, emotional, anthropomorphising attitude is why some people who like dogs wouldn’t want to cohabit with a dog owner — it’s less the dogs themselves than their owners’ attitude.

The dogs you’re referring to were responsibly rehomed within the family when their owner’s circumstances changed, their former owner remained involved with them and financially responsible for them for the rest of their lives. He didn’t put his children in an orphanage.

Yes being a good dog owner does require that you care for them and commit to them and give them more thought than you did to that really ugly painting you’ve had for years and like but your partner hates so you get rid of it.

I’d rather be “ridiculous” i. e Actually giving a shit about my dog and honouring the commitment I made when I adopted them than a cold, callous person like you and others who thinks that it’s fine to treat an animal that thinks and feels like a bit of unwanted junk or a robot.

An ornament you buy, whether it’s John Lewis or Ikea, doesn’t care where it goes. It’s an inanimate object but it most certainly matters to a dog who has bonded with you, adores and trusts you. Pets matter and are not disposable and that you think they are says it all.

What a fantastic situation, you have a lovely boyfriend, he is that committed to you he is moving to be near you but you both get to have your own space, best of both worlds, cake and eat it situation. Please take the positives from this situation. Many many people would love this set up.

There are plenty of sensible and responsible outcomes between (1) seeing your dog as no 1 and that only you could possibly love and take care of it, no matter what, and (2) treating the dog like disposable rubbish . There is nothing to suggest that this dog was treated badly.

My DGM's dog is a rescue. Her previous (elderly) owner had refused to give her up even after she became unable to look after her, and when granny took her on from the rescue centre (after the old lady died) the poor dog had barely been walked or interacted with in 2 years. It would have been much kinder for the old lady to have admitted that her circumstances had changed and do the right thing for her (presumably) beloved pet by rehoming her sooner. These things are not as black and white as you make out.

ETA - I know the above scenario is not the same, but my point is that responsibly rehoming a dog where circumstances change is not an act of cruelty. I'm sure most dog owners wouldn't make such a decision lightly where they are faced between their pet and their life partner.

I like most dogs but I wouldn't want to live with one. I could say the same about men!

Cripes @HoldingTheDoor there's plenty of cases of animals being treated badly that you could legitimately get worked up about but to spend so much energy on a case of some very happily and responsibly rehomed dogs that aren't even the topic of the thread just makes you seem extreme. Take the poster's word for it that all was well and focus your campaigning zeal on dogs in actual need.

So much energy = writing a few posts?

Having to give up a dog because you are no longer able to care for it is a little different to giving up a dog cos you fancy shacking up with someone who doesn’t want them around.

I don't blame him. Some people are dog lovers, some are not.

It's a bit of a battle here. Either he tolerates living with dogs in the house, or YOU rehome the dogs (you have equal rights to agree or not here), or you stay together but apart.

Fancy shacking up with = marrying.

Sorry, not helping much here but please don't put dogs in a conservatory, it's very dangerous.