Won’t live with dogs.

[OneDaringDreamer]

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

It is not a mumsnet obsession, it is is very much normal life.

I disagree with a lot of other posters here saying he is within his rights to not want to live with dogs. Whist this in itself is true, he has strung you along for 18 months saying it is something he would do for you. Now when you are truly invested he is giving you an ultimatum. It is most unkind.

Lets be honest, you aren't going to "rehome" your dogs. The future for a 10 years old dog is very bleak, they will go to a shelter and wait for 2 years in confusion waiting for a family to pick them that will never happen. It would be kinder to PTS, than put a dog through this. He's an absolute prick for asking this of you.

What happens in 2 years when you decide you are incompatible? And you've given away your lovely dogs- could you forgive yourself?

\i know it is. I just don't understand why people don't just get married though, if they really want to commit.

Depends if you love your dogs

I wouldn't even start dating someone who didn't love dogs as I adore mine

And I'd never give up my dogs for any reason, ever

I think the big issue would be if she wanted kids.

Yes. I wouldn’t live with dogs either. I like dogs, but I don’t want the mess and routine-bound stuff that comes with living with them. If his position doesn’t work for you, then you should end things.

It should be a deal breaker. I’d have absolutely no respect for someone like your partner who thought so little of his dogs that he was happy to treat them like disposable objects and get rid of them when they became inconvenient. It’s very telling.

This is the solution, unless you want the whole get married and have kids thing. If you want that and with him, badly enough, you must re-home your dogs and accept that you will never again have dogs.

Won't you want dogs again once your present pets have passed on?

(My preferred company at home is a cat. I'm pretty sure I'd rather have the cat than a man, less demanding 😂 )

Obviously up to you how important living together is. And how important having pets is to you.

I'd feel like he's done a bit of a bait & switch as well tbh.

How compatible are you with a dog-disliker? 😁

I would see this a sign to end your relationship. If he’s not a dog person it’s not going to work even if you don’t live together. With 2 dogs I imagine they take up a lot of your time, holidays and days out are going to be dictated by the dogs and what they can do / how long they can be left etc. He’s saying he doesn’t want to give any headspace to the dogs, and that’s his right, so he’s not the man for you.

I don’t think this is going to work, OP unless you’re happy to continue the relationship while living separately and it doesn’t seem like you are, and even then are you content to live dog free for the rest of your life? What happens if you want another in the future. It’s fine and understandable that he doesn’t want to live with dogs but it means that you are ultimately incompatible.

This is exactly why I’d never date a man who disliked dogs/animals generally, didn’t want one or was allergic. I wouldn’t consider it for a minute because ultimately it’s not going to work and there’s no chance of me disposing of my dogs.

But here you are and I think that you’re going to have to make a decision very soon because he isn’t going to change his mind.

Most people would not consider marriage without living together first.

Thanks for all your good advice much appreciated.
i guess because we’ve talked about combining forces and even I’ve retrained both my dogs so the are sleeping downstairs now and generally better behaved. Because he talked about moving in and having a space for the dogs, I’m upset because he’s now changed his mind.
everyone is entitled to their boundaries.
we both have children and don’t want anymore. I’m 46 anyway he’s 48.
and I guess I thought we’d get married and live together. But now I have got to rethink the future.
but yes living separate isn’t a problem I guess. But I think I didn’t expect this

Also I’ve lived on my own for 8 years and my dogs have been my company when my sons are at there dads. I love my dogs but I don’t necessarily have to have anymore in the future

Please don't abandon your dogs for this man :(

I know.

It's also 2025 and there are other ways of living, other than co-habiting.

I think 18 months is quite a new relationship and moving to a new area and in together is a big step, so I'd wonder if this is an excuse and really he wants to take more time. You'll have more of a feel of if he's stringing you along but I wonder if really it's not about the dogs as they've stayed at his house before etc. Have an honest talk with him.

But will you want more? It’s up to you but I’d consider it restrictive to never have the option of having a dog again.

I think you aren’t compatible. I also think rehoming a dog for the sake of a relationship is irresponsible and frankly a bit shit. I’d no more rehome my dogs for a man than I would run naked down the high street. They are my responsibility for life.

I can’t see anything to suggest op is considering rehoming at all.

I can’t understand why anyone in their right mind would marry someone without having lived with them first! That sounds batshit crazy to me (and most other people I assume given it’s very unusual to get married without living together first).

He’s moving closer which feels positive. I guess you need to consider whether ultimately you are prepared to be dogless in order to live with him (as in when your current dogs pass away), or if you are prepared to live separately for the long term (if you want more dogs). If you’re not happy with either of those options I would suggest ending things now.

@HoldingTheDoor
I'm appalled by the posters saying their DP or themselves rehomed pets for the relationship, my dogs come before any man and DP knows it.

Yes, it's the conventional way of progressing relationships.

I think mumsnet is actually more likely to suggest alternatives than people would in real life.