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Original poster

Won’t live with dogs.

207 replies

OneDaringDreamer · 27/02/2025 07:10

Hi there
this is the 2nd time I’ve reached out on here for your help in my relationship.
so my boyfriend and I have been dating 18 months and everything has been great except one hiccup last month that has been resolved.
we live an hours drive apart and have spoken about one day coming together to live.
i have 2 small dogs and my boyfriend isn’t a dog person. He’s tried hard to adapt to them and has even got beds for when we stay at his.
anyway last night on our date night he’ told me he’s considering moving down to my area. Which is great and exciting.
however, I’ve asked well why don’t we join forces and get somewhere together. Which we’ve talked about a lot.
he has now laid his cards on the table table (his words) that he can’t live with the dogs. Especially 2 dogs and that our time to live together will be after my oldest dog goes to heaven. He’s 10 and could live another 4-10 years being a terroir.
this has got me somewhat confused and unsure of the future.
before he’d say we can get a house with a nice conservatory for them. So they can have there space.
Help ???? it’s seems like a lovely prize of moving closer but with a sting attached.

OP posts:
caramac04 · 27/02/2025 09:33

That would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to live without dogs. However, anyone has the right to not want to live with dogs.
It’s good that he has been honest with you. Now you need to be honest with yourself and with him.

HoldingTheDoor · 27/02/2025 09:39

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 09:23

Cripes @HoldingTheDoor there's plenty of cases of animals being treated badly that you could legitimately get worked up about but to spend so much energy on a case of some very happily and responsibly rehomed dogs that aren't even the topic of the thread just makes you seem extreme. Take the poster's word for it that all was well and focus your campaigning zeal on dogs in actual need.

I’m quite capable of thinking about both and do indeed, do both, but people who think that their dogs are disposable are a big part of why we have so many unwanted dogs in shelters. They are part of the problem that you want me to focus on.

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:40

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 09:30

Fancy shacking up with = marrying.

Show quote history

Exactly. There is a weird irony of people who, on the one hand, think that responsible rehoming is tantamount to abandoning the dog by the side of the road, and yet who think the solution to a difficult dilemma like this is to "bin off" (in the words of the poster I replied to upthread) a human who loves and cares for you and wants to build a life with you (and who has potentially made sacrifices towards that end), but who has realised that, despite their best efforts, they can't live with a dog in their house.

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:42

caramac04 · 27/02/2025 09:33

That would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to live without dogs. However, anyone has the right to not want to live with dogs.
It’s good that he has been honest with you. Now you need to be honest with yourself and with him.

He wasn't honest for 18 months. For 18 months he told her it would be fine. Then when push comes to shove he then tells her that he isn't prepared to do it. I don't class that as honest, I think he has misled her, waited until she is invested, and then rather than telling her he's changed his mind he has just told her he is moving and left it to her to bring up why they aren't moving in together.

I see it as manipulation

Onleemoi · 27/02/2025 09:46

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:40

Exactly. There is a weird irony of people who, on the one hand, think that responsible rehoming is tantamount to abandoning the dog by the side of the road, and yet who think the solution to a difficult dilemma like this is to "bin off" (in the words of the poster I replied to upthread) a human who loves and cares for you and wants to build a life with you (and who has potentially made sacrifices towards that end), but who has realised that, despite their best efforts, they can't live with a dog in their house.

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Live apart until the timing is right. Everyone knows dogs are a 10+ year commitment and you might have to make sacrifices to honour that commitment. If you can’t do that, don’t get a dog.

LameBorzoi · 27/02/2025 09:47

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:42

He wasn't honest for 18 months. For 18 months he told her it would be fine. Then when push comes to shove he then tells her that he isn't prepared to do it. I don't class that as honest, I think he has misled her, waited until she is invested, and then rather than telling her he's changed his mind he has just told her he is moving and left it to her to bring up why they aren't moving in together.

I see it as manipulation

Show quote history

People are allowed to change their minds. Or come to a realisation that something that they thought was ok isn't. It sounds like he has tried, with the dog beds and all.

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:48

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:42

He wasn't honest for 18 months. For 18 months he told her it would be fine. Then when push comes to shove he then tells her that he isn't prepared to do it. I don't class that as honest, I think he has misled her, waited until she is invested, and then rather than telling her he's changed his mind he has just told her he is moving and left it to her to bring up why they aren't moving in together.

I see it as manipulation

Show quote history

Or maybe he really loves her and knows it's a case of "love me, love my dog" and has really tried to love the dog too and thought he would come round to the idea, but realised that after 18 months he can't do it?

Brefugee · 27/02/2025 09:50

it's a bit of a dilemma for sure, but tbh i wouldn't live in a dog house either, they always smell like dog (I am super sensitive to smells, like a truffle hound). He has been very clear and upfront about this so you just have to decide if the dealbreaker for you is that you don't live together. (tbh i think he sounds as though he has already compromised by letting them in his house, i wouldn't do that)

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:52

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:48

Or maybe he really loves her and knows it's a case of "love me, love my dog" and has really tried to love the dog too and thought he would come round to the idea, but realised that after 18 months he can't do it?

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Seems odd to have not bought it up before that he is struggling with the dog, or that he wants to spend more time together and wants to progress the relationship but can't come to terms with living with the dog. Just to tell her he is moving closer and when pushed for a reason why the can't move in to then bring it up smacks of manipulation to me.

He had changed his mind, he wouldn't have told the OP if she hadn't asked.

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 09:52

HoldingTheDoor · 27/02/2025 09:07

Yes being a good dog owner does require that you care for them and commit to them and give them more thought than you did to that really ugly painting you’ve had for years and like but your partner hates so you get rid of it.

I’d rather be “ridiculous” i. e Actually giving a shit about my dog and honouring the commitment I made when I adopted them than a cold, callous person like you and others who thinks that it’s fine to treat an animal that thinks and feels like a bit of unwanted junk or a robot.

An ornament you buy, whether it’s John Lewis or Ikea, doesn’t care where it goes. It’s an inanimate object but it most certainly matters to a dog who has bonded with you, adores and trusts you. Pets matter and are not disposable and that you think they are says it all.

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I’m not in the least ‘callous’, and I have never suggested pets are in any way equivalent to unwanted ornaments. When a friend ended up with a dog he couldn’t cope with after a divorce, I walked him twice a day for a year despite a demanding FT job until he was able to rehome him. I then travelled a long distance several times to check on this dog in his new home as I was concerned as to how he would cope (not an ordinary domestic situation, and the dog was nervy, had bitten people, was reactive around other dogs etc). He was not only fine, but thriving. He was pleased to see me but he no longer needed me or his former owner. The truth is that dogs don’t need people as much as people think they do, when they have a dog pack to integrate with.

This animal was immeasurably better off without his former family of ten years, and living a very free life with other dogs. I think the anthropomorphism doesn’t help dogs.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 27/02/2025 09:55

I wouldn't be impressed by the U-turn personally.

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:56

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:52

Seems odd to have not bought it up before that he is struggling with the dog, or that he wants to spend more time together and wants to progress the relationship but can't come to terms with living with the dog. Just to tell her he is moving closer and when pushed for a reason why the can't move in to then bring it up smacks of manipulation to me.

He had changed his mind, he wouldn't have told the OP if she hadn't asked.

Show quote history

Without knowing all the circumstances we could speculate all day long but I think manipulation is a bit if a strong word. Maybe he has been avoiding a direct "it's me or the dog" situation, which could result in unnecessary hurt for both parties.

Brefugee · 27/02/2025 09:56

but is it a U-turn or has he tried to get on with having the dogs in his own house and has come to the conclusion it won't work?

And i can imagine that by moving closer he will cut out the having to have the dogs in his house if OP can leave them at hers overnight when she stays at his? as pp said, we are all allowed to change our minds about things.

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:59

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 09:56

Without knowing all the circumstances we could speculate all day long but I think manipulation is a bit if a strong word. Maybe he has been avoiding a direct "it's me or the dog" situation, which could result in unnecessary hurt for both parties.

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A month ago this man was also giving her the silent treatment, snapping at her and sulking. He was playing games with his social media picture and making her question things. This to me makes me assume it is another little game to see whether if he pushes her she will prove her love.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5270062-mans-gone-silent?postsby=OneDaringDreamer

SchrodingersTwat2 · 27/02/2025 09:59

I wouldn't live with dogs either.

Brefugee · 27/02/2025 10:00

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:59

A month ago this man was also giving her the silent treatment, snapping at her and sulking. He was playing games with his social media picture and making her question things. This to me makes me assume it is another little game to see whether if he pushes her she will prove her love.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5270062-mans-gone-silent?postsby=OneDaringDreamer

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in that case: sack him off.

SnoopysHoose · 27/02/2025 10:02

@tropicalroses
I remember OPs previous post, she needs to dump him not move him in, he's a nasty manipulative cunt.

MadKittenWoman · 27/02/2025 10:05

I wouldn't live with dogs and wouldn't live with someone who didn't like cats. You're incompatible.

Dontbeme · 27/02/2025 10:06

I would be more concerned about moving him in with my kids (never mind the dogs) and trying to blend families. As for marriage, what situation would that leave your kids in if you died unexpectedly OP? What is the situation with home ownership and inheritance for your DC? I think all those factors considered, and your much loved dogs, living separately might be smarter for many reasons.

sixtyandfabulousofcourse · 27/02/2025 10:08

Hmm man v dogs dogs every time dogs are loyal faithful reliable and always there for you not to mention grateful for every kindness you show don't know any men who could match up to that

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 10:13

HoldingTheDoor · 27/02/2025 09:39

I’m quite capable of thinking about both and do indeed, do both, but people who think that their dogs are disposable are a big part of why we have so many unwanted dogs in shelters. They are part of the problem that you want me to focus on.

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Not in this case though.

bluecupandsaucer · 27/02/2025 10:15

HoldingTheDoor · 27/02/2025 08:32

He got rid of his dogs. You can dress it up to make it sound better but he ultimately dumped his dogs when they became inconvenient.But enjoy your dud.

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Thanks I’ve enjoyed my reliable dud for 30 years now and we’ve had no issues 😂

Tdp123 · 27/02/2025 10:18

Nannyfannybanny · 27/02/2025 07:21

Morning, firstly a 10 year.old terrier won't live between 4-10 more years. I've had dogs all my life friends with border terriers, one died last year at 12.. anyway. Oddly, I met my second DH at work (that's not the odd part,) a friend and I were writing a list "perfect man", pros cons,my first was non smoker, second must love dogs.! I had one,so did he. He always said he hated cats, I had one, his dog also hated cats. I said if you move in with me we're a package (he wasn't phased by my 3 DKs🤣) he moved in,we got a second cat, rescue same as the first. His dog who was 13, and had always slept in bed with him, slept quite happily on a sofa with my 2 cats..I haven't had a cat for 16 years sadly, although we have had DD when she's gone on holiday. This probably doesn't help your situation,DH and I have been together 35 years,we have 2 dogs, and I couldn't give them up..

I had a border terrier that lived to 18 years old.

MegTheForgetfulCat · 27/02/2025 10:20

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:59

A month ago this man was also giving her the silent treatment, snapping at her and sulking. He was playing games with his social media picture and making her question things. This to me makes me assume it is another little game to see whether if he pushes her she will prove her love.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5270062-mans-gone-silent?postsby=OneDaringDreamer

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I didn't see that thread. Fair enough then!

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 10:21

tropicalroses · 27/02/2025 09:52

Seems odd to have not bought it up before that he is struggling with the dog, or that he wants to spend more time together and wants to progress the relationship but can't come to terms with living with the dog. Just to tell her he is moving closer and when pushed for a reason why the can't move in to then bring it up smacks of manipulation to me.

He had changed his mind, he wouldn't have told the OP if she hadn't asked.

Show quote history

It's not some conspiracy that he's cunningly luring her into with lies and deceit. He wants to move closer to her, that's a nice thing, and he's being honest with where he's at on the dogs front. At what point do you really think he decided to dupe the OP into thinking he could live with the dogs and then to pull the rug?? Or do you think it's much much much more likely that he's genuinely given it a go but as the reality dawned - only 18mo in btw - on reflection he's feeling like it's better to not live together because actually he's not fully on board with it. People get all the way to buying a house and change their mind, or indeed all the way to getting a pet and then freak out - there's plenty of threads on that. Or indeed all the way to the altar and then realise they can't go through with it. These aren't conspiracies where one person is shamming the other. It's more that he was into the idea of it more than he was struggling with it, but as it becomes more than an idea, the balance shifted. Odd to not understand that.