Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

Oh my god, how blind can someone be?

Are you genuinely not aware why an 8 yr old might suddenly be getting into her Dads bed after the arrival of a new sibling? Particularly a half sibling!

Thank god for the empathy and kindness my own dp showed my dc when they were in a similar position.

Her behaviour is completely normal for any eight year old, its even more expected for a child who now has a strange woman with a baby in the home.

When my partner moved in my son largely slept with me, we maintained that, so if my son got in bed partner would move and sleep in the spare room.

I think it’s weird if it’s with a step parent, also not really safe if baby comes into bed while you breast feed. I understand your partner doesn’t want her to feel excluded though but you’re offering him the opportunity to get in with her so I can’t see his problem.

Yeah absolutely with the first couple of replies on this. My 7 year old gets into bed more often than not with me and my husband. We have a baby on the way and I'm SUPER aware that he's been an only child for 7 years and this is a big change.

I think you’re making it worse. It is very common for an older full sibling to regress and want reassurance from parents that a new baby hasn’t replaced them. When you add in the fact that this is a step-daughter- her parents have split, her mum is ?, her dad has you and now a baby with you. She is simply regressing and wanting reassurance that she is not being replaced by the baby.

Your reaction is making her more afraid she is being side-lined and excluded. She’s all by herself, while the three of you are together. I have no idea why you’d be uncomfortable breast-feeding with a girl in the room. I breast fed in public for years and even mums who aren’t comfortable breastfeeding in public were all fine breastfeeding around strange women and girls.

She will regain her independence when she feels confident that you are including her as part of this new family with her Dad. The more you push her away, the more she will cling to her dad. It is unfair on her and your partner for you to be literally waging a psychological “he’s mine” battle against a child, his daughter. She isn’t a rival.

Getting into bed with parents is still fairly acceptable at this age, especially when there are younger siblings that draw lots of a parents attention. I would imagine that the introduction of a new sibling into the mix when you don’t live with your parent full time will cause some jealousy and regression, she wants her dad to remember she is still his baby. This is entirely normal.

I am not saying that you should feel confortable with her in bed with you, or that this should continue but I do think her desire is not unusual or unreasonable.

perhaps for a while, whilst your son is young and needs you at night, your partner could spend more time in his daughters room, leading her back to bed, and resting in there with her whilst she falls back to sleep. It might be worth making a swap to a queen size bed in her room?

maybe they also need to have time just the two of them built into their weekends together. A new sibling is an adjustment, and even when they are from one family unit it can be a challenge but perhaps more so when she sees her dad with a new baby who lives with him all the time.

Another parent getting into a relationship and having a baby with a partner who doesn't fully accept and tolerate their existing child.
It's not necessarily about your boundaries as you're allowed to have them, it's about how you go about it.

This!

Op I think you’re being unreasonable, and a little callous. That’s your partners child, show some empathy and ask yourself, ‘is this necessary or am I just being territorial’. I feel a but sorry for your SC. I have two SC and his daughter was regular in our bed. She felt loved, secure, and welcome.

I can see why this might be uncomfortable for you. Both physically (not much space for 4) and mentally. I can also see that the daughter is doing this for reassurance after having a new sibling.

As she's only there at weekends, the best solution would be for her to have a double bed in her room and when she wakes and comes to find her dad, he takes her back to her room and sleeps there with her, so you and the baby are not disturbed.

It's 2 nights a fortnight. You and your baby have her dad the other 12 all to yourselves.

Poor child.

It's perfectly normal behaviour, especially now that you have introduced a new baby into the mix. She just wants to be where everyone else is instead of feeling that you're all playing happy families in your bedroom whilst she's excluded.

You're baby is 9 months old. Time for him/her to also move out of your room.

This is normal. Do you have room on dad's side to put something like a cot mattress on the floor so she can just come in and settle next to her dad.

Is she upset that the baby is in there with her dad and she isn’t? Your baby isn’t a newborn anymore, he’s 9 months old, can he go into his own room? She might feel less left out then and be happier to stay in her room.

I would not want to breastfeed during the night with a child that wasn't my own laying next to me.

Just because op is a stepparent (who MN generally detest) it doesn't mean she isn't allowed to have feelings and preferences of her own. If she were denying the dd any comfort at all it would be one thing, but she isn't. She's encouraging her partner to go in the dd room with her, she just doesn't want to share her bed and I don't blame her.

The behaviour from the child isn't wrong btw but it's a tricky situation that needs to be managed.

Hmmmm.... What could have POSSIBLY happened in the last 9 months that might have led to increased need to be with her dad....hmmmm ....a real mystery....

Absolutely!!

@Astronomer13 I get it she's not your daughter my DP told me he had this problem with his ex and her daughter so I get how u feel

She's feeling insecure with all the changes she's had to go through and needs reassurance as she's only here every other weekend.
Get a bigger bed or get her a double. It doesn't last forever but you need to be more understanding.
Remember this too shall pass but in a year your baby will be bigger and so will his daughter. She might still want the occasional cuddle with dad. Ours used to come into our bed until they were about 10 (on occasion at this age but it did still happen and I'd often go to bed to find an 11 year old had changed locations!)
Where's the baby moving to once he/she moves out of your room?

We got her a double bed for this reason and I think this is a good solution

In the house there is our/parents room and daughters room, and I don’t think it’s fair to have 9mo sharing with 8yo when he’s still up multiple times a night? It’d disturb daughters sleep even more so

This

Is it the US election because this makes me feel uncomfortable too? 😂

Otherwise you are exactly right. Poor girl.

I agree with those saying it’s very normal at this age and particularly with a new sibling. Either make a plan for dad to sleep in her room for a while or put another bed in your room. We did this for a while and it naturally petered out.

I would get a mattress for your husband's side of the bed for her to lie on so it doesnt take up space in your bed. Or, since she has a double bed he can spend the night in her bed.
I understand that it's uncomfortable for you but feel quite heartbroken for your stepdaughter.