Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

The middle of the night is not the time to be having the conversation with your partner or his daughter.

You could have fooled me with the tone of your posts. For me it comes across very different to what I think you intended it to be

Either you didn’t add it to your OP for a reason or you are lacking self awareness around why her behaviour at bedtime has changed around the same time as the baby has arrived

She is a young girl looking for reassurance now that there is another child in the mix. Her behaviour would likely be the same if it was a full sibling too

Read over your original passive aggressive post OP and see how it smacks of resentment over a 8 year old child who sees her dad 2 nights out of 14. She was there first.
Poor kid

Her behaviour is completely normal anyway but especially in the situation. I don’t think her getting into your bed is uncomfortable or inappropriate and using the language “uncomfortable” got his back up. It’s a completely normal part of parenting to deal with bed hopping.

Use different language. I’d try talk to him saying it’s not practical because you are up feeding the baby and ask him to sleep with her in her bed.

if you all deal with it correctly and give her loads of love and reassurance during the day time, then this stage will pass quickly.

Poor wee girl. Very new baby and all she wants is a reassuring cuddle to feel she’s included and your instinct is get her gone! That she’s a problem. She’ll pick up on that. You don’t need to be Freud to get the family dynamics here. You don’t want her around your new family and are just looking for reasons to exclude her. You should both be leaning in,to accommodate and reassure her.

Agree with this. I used to find it really weird having my ex DSD get into my bed. She always had cold clammy feet that she’d put all over me too, and her dad would roll over and go back to sleep instantly, leaving me having to talk to her when I’d rather be sleeping too.

He needs to go into her bed or downstairs with her. Your bed is private and you should be allowed a say over who gets in it and when. One reason I vowed not to date someone with young DCs again - especially daughters.

The op CHOSE to be a stepmother. If she was going to think it was weird for her stepdaughter at 8 to share her bed, then she should never have become one
I'm glad I wasn't aware this was a RULE before I became a step parent 20+ years ago.
Seriously - not all families would be happy with this, blended or otherwise, I certainly wouldn't want my DD sleeping in a bed with unrelated - or related - adults other than DH or me.

Kind of OTT your using the word uncomfortable. She's a little girl. have a calm conversation where you tell him to settle her in her iwn bedroom

Fwiw my own DCs rarely came into my bed - doesn’t mean i hated them or was rejecting them. I just think beds are for sleeping and having wriggly bodies in there stops me sleeping.

I’m not missing the point I just don’t agree with you, I didn’t feel comfortable with my DSS in bed either so DH went into his room.

Yanbu op , I certainly wouldn't want someone else's child sleeping in my bed , I wouldn't want my children sleeping with anyone but their mum and dad either. There's no need for it when her dad can go into her room with her.

Ask him if he would be happy with her getting into bed with her mother's boyfriend. And how many boyfriends would it be acceptable with?

I objected to my ex husband doing this with his partner. As it normalises getting into bed with adults that aren't related.

Children are extreme vulnerable to sexual abuse. Normalising getting into bed with adults just because they are in a relationship is not acceptable, and makes it easier for sex offenders to abuse their victims.

He needs to get in her bed with her.

I'd absolutely let my neices and nephews.

my 7 year old nephew stayed with us for a week last year and needed extra cuddles and reassurance so he came in with me and fell asleep with me. luckily my husband could transfer him into my sons room without waking him up, but if he'd needed to stay in my bed with me, absolutely.

when I was I'm hospital having my youngest,my friend looked after my children overnight. my then five year old son had never been away from us at night, and was a bit tearful. my friend text to ask if it was OK for him to sleep in her with her, and I was absolutely fine with that and so she was she.

I wouldn't have any issue with this (and yes, I have experience with blended families!). if baby was younger, I'd be wary more because of the risk of co sleeping with a young baby but at 9 months, a lot of that risk has passed. for one night every other week I would personally put up with it.

This ^

I think you're getting a lot of harsh comments here, it's not unreasonable to want everyone to get the best night's sleep they can and it looks like everyone's sleep is being disturbed in every dimension possible.

The problem is because you're not the mother you've attracted all the bitter people who are projecting, and not the ones that would say "you're the parent, she's the child"

It would drive me nuts having 3 other people in the bed, especially with likely one wriggling, one snoring, and one demanding a feed.

I can't believe other people would think it a normal and acceptable solution, maybe they topped and tailed with 7 other siblings or have co-dependency issues.

Honestly - I wouldn’t be happy with it. I’ve experienced CSA and an adult encouraging a child they aren’t related to into their bed is a huge red flag.

Exactly this.

You seriously need a talking-to, as it seems like no one in your life has given you one yet. Your post and attitude made me really angry that someone could be this fucking callous. I really feel sorry for his daughter.

She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her

Jesus listen to yourself.

You chose to get in a relationship with a man who already had a child. His daughter didn't decide that. You and her father did. There's complexities that come with that and you need to take some responsibility for it.

Unless her mother is horrible and you are lovely in comparison, she has nothing to gain from her father having a relationship with a different woman. You were simply going to take more time and attention away from her.

Now, she has a much younger half brother which will take even more time & attention away from her.

You could have had other partners, or may yet go on to split from her father in future, but she will only have one father in this life. He's one of two people who serves as a crucial emotional foundation for her and provides her with security and everything else she needs.

In light of that, what do you think is going on in her inner world right now?? How insecure she's probably feeling? I would be inclined to think you're blind to it, but in light of your comments, you do know, you just don't care and regard her as a bit of a nuisance.

It's people with attitudes like yours that result in unhappy teenagers in need of therapy.

I would encourage her dad to actually just sleep in the room with her while she's there, which isn't often by the sounds of it, so it shouldn't be a huge inconvenience to him... I'm not sure at 8/9 years old I'd have wanted my snoring, farting dad sleeping next to me, but it would be preferable to being the only one not in the big family room. The feeling of being left out and alone will be triggering primitive fear responses in her, so her sleep is absolutely going to be disrupted and realistically no amount of conversation is going to stop that. It's biologically appropriate behaviour to be honest and until your new baby is in his own room too, it's best she has someone with her at night too (and has plenty of 1 on 1 time with her dad!)

Are you genuinely not aware why an 8 yr old might suddenly be getting into her Dads bed after the arrival of a new sibling? Particularly a half sibling!

I'm also wondering if you're just willfully ignorant.

Firstly I don't believe that its "normal" for 8 year olds to need to sleep in the parents bed, not in our culture anyway. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, and I'm not saying it's wrong. I am saying it's not "the norm". Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parallel universe on mumsnet when people start insisting that slightly unusual things are actually totally normal and everyone does them! 😂

OP I understand how you feel and unless you have a super king size bed I've no idea how 4 of you can sleep together anyway - and even then I don't think I would cope!

Dad can sleep with his dd until she can cope on her own, it's only every other weekend, it won't kill your relationship. Be calm but firm about this with him.

Most people don't seem to have read the OP post properly. SD has her own room with a double bed so that her father can sleep with her if she wants him to, but instead he seems to prefer her sleeping in their bed when OP is also up and down with the baby.
I don't think it is unreasonable for him to sleep with SD in her room. You might all get more sleep that way.

Your DH should go in DSD’s bed with her.

Our DS went through phases of feeling scared at night until age 10. DH always got in his (double) bed with him as DS is a wriggler and my sleep is crap. I can’t imagine throwing in waking up at night to BF on top of that.

I think it very inappropriate for her to share a bed with you - your DH needs to share with her.

She's insecure and wants to come in with you because of the baby.

Maybe let her come in for a while and then your partner take her back & he sleeps in with her?

Just for a few months until things settle so she doesn't feel pushed out. It's a couple of nights a month.