Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

I would like it either. What’s wrong with dad going in your DSD room in the night to be with her?

I’m trying to find a solution that works for everyone and asking if it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable sleeping with a child that’s not your own.

Daughter is so so loved by me and her dad but it is unsafe for a baby to be in bed with an 8yo and it compromises all of our sleep.

is it unreasonable for her dad to sleep in her double bed instead of her sleeping in ours - that’s what I’m saying!

I’m not suggesting daughter should sleep in the shed.

I honestly start to wonder if I am an alien on posts like this. I don’t want my own 7 year olds in my bed (they’re fucking massive and fidgety)

Someone thinks the 9 month old breast fed baby should be moved to another room 😂😂😂

My babies didn’t sleep through at 9 months, not even close so I would have been very distressed to lose out further on sleep.

This isn’t a wicked step mother! She is happy for DP to go in with his daughter which seems like the obvious solution!!!

Where will baby sleep when moved out of your room?

DSD hardly sees her dad and now she has a sibling who lives with dad all the time. No wonder she is unsettled

Plenty of families would make that cosleeping work but if you're not able to do so safely and comfortably then obviously hou need a different solution.

I was going to suggest a big bed in your boyfriend's daughter's room that he can sleep in with her when she needs company.

I think you've muddied the waters with your (unreasonable imo) objection to her getting into bed with you both for its own sake rather than because it makes it difficult for you to breastfeed the baby.

Thank you. I fell like this has been massively misunderstood that I think daughter should butt out and not have any comfort in the night at all☹️

I think with the baby too it’s tricky as everyone needs sleep. But I totally understand why an 8yo will do this and think your partner staying in her room is a good idea. But if I weren’t too exhausted with baby and baby wasn’t sleeping in the bed too I’d like to think I’d welcome her in. 8 seems quite a big child to other people but when it’s yours you realise how little they are still.

All of this says it perfectly.

Has someone forced her to be a step parent? Step parenting is extremely hard, It requires level of sacrifice but also love for the children who are not yours. It's not for everyone.
And what about child's feelings? Most people have no clue how left out children feel when they are being split between homes while parents play happy intact families with brand new babies. Unlike a bit of (understandable ) discomfort OP is going through , what the daughter's going through can affect her whole life.
Personaly I have no problem with OP having her boundaries and feelings. They are important too. What I'm picking on is lack of empathy. The attitude of just shaving a child back to their bedroom because that's where they should be.

But maybe I'm bias. I picked a partner who treats my children like his own. Otherwise I would not have blended families and definitely wouldn't have had another baby. It's not necessary. Adults are not owed new families at the expense of children they already decided to have.

I think you're getting a really hard time on here OP, you might be better to ask on the step parenting forum, it's obviously not the same as your own 8 year old wanting to get into bed with both her parents, which in my opinion is still a bit of a reach by that age.
Her dad needs to sort it out, either he goes and sleeps with her or comes up with another solution that isn't four in a bed!

It's the way in which your original post reads OP.
I don't have a new baby on the way but my 8 year old son more often than not asks to sleep in bed with my fiancé and me. He misses living together with me and his father (my EXH).
I let him do a 'camp' with a blow up bed next to my side of the bed sometimes. And other times I let him sleep on my side of the bed. My fiancé hasn't complained and it seems balanced out as there are plenty of times we are home without my sons.
Hopefully some of the suggestions made by PPs can help.

@Astronomer13 you are not unreasonable at all but MN hates stepparents so you'll never get balanced answers on a thread like this. I'm sure you're intelligent enough to decipher why this might be happening but it doesn't make it ok, for any of you.

Your dh should be getting up and taking her back to bed every time and staying with her if necessary.

“The attitude of just shaving a child back to their bedroom because that's where they should be.”

Thats not what I’ve said AT ALL

These are some of the same people that would post that they’re uncomfortable with their child sleeping in bed with their ex and new partner! She has a double bed fgs! It’s ludicrous to have an 8 year old in bed with you when you’re up in the night BF as well. I think your DP is being a bit selfish, I totally understand why SD would be wanting to be in with her Dad. Maybe you and baby could go in SD’s room when she’s there? And SD just starts the night in your room with her Dad? I mean it’s literally the same set up really but you’ll be taking more control and he might be a bit more on board with that.

My twins woke in the night to be BF until
they were 2 and the lack of sleep pushed me to the brink, sleep deprivation is a real thing and of course someone in and out if your room may disturb a baby.

Where is your partner's little girl going to sleep on her every other weekend once your child is in her room?

We are waiting on completion of new house this summer 🤞🏼 both kids will have own rooms

Shocked by the replies.

YES it’s normal for an 8 year old to get into bed with her Dad. NO it’s not normal to get in with another unrelated adult and it’s perfectly fine for you, that adult, to want to maintain the sanctity and privacy in their OWN bed. Dad gets into his daughter’s bed - which as you say is a double, you stay with baby. Easy.

I think OP is quite right to feel uncomfortable. In that situation, I would never allow it.
Perhaps Dad should sleep in his DD's room, although twin beds would seem preferable.

@Bibi12 I’ve been a step parent for 10 years - I don’t love my DC. To be honest my fondest has faded over time as their behaviour and attitude towards me has become more problematic. Are we a functioning family still, yes. People can do things their own way.

I honestly don’t think I would care about my partner’s 8 year old coming into the shared bed. The reason she is coming in is because you are all in there and she is scared, lonely, etc. Your own child will be 8 someday soon and you’ll look back on this and think you were being unreasonable. My daughter is 8 and comes in bedside me all the time.

Youve said she has her own double bed, and that she is lucky to have the room she has, and both those comments speak volumes to me. Anyway, the double bed is a big empty space for her at the moment, whilst you are all a family in the next room. Can you really not see that? However, if you see fit then send your husband/her father into her bed with her whenever she comes round…and see how long your relationship lasts.

@EleanorRigby2U you’ve never had a child that snores and wriggles about too much then.

On the contrary I’ve had 12 years of it

I’ve not said anything like that she’s “lucky to have that room”. What I meant was that its not an issue that she’s in an uninviting spare room that doesn’t feel personal to her and we’ve made it her own space…

Well good for you, but OP doesn’t have to tolerate it too.

I wouldn't sleep with my DSC in bed either.
Your DSD's behaviour is normal - new baby and all.
It's not safe for all of you to sleep together if you're co-sleeping/feeding the baby.
Dad should take her back to her room and stay in there with her so she's not alone.
This phase won't last forever and it's only a couple of nights a week.