Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

It's completely normal for an 8 year old to be in bed with their parents, and before reading that you're breastfeeding a baby in bed too I would have said YABU but in this situation I think DH should sleep in DSDs room while she's with you until she feels a bit happier and happy to be alone all night again.

Has anyone stopped to consider that the little girl wants to be in bed with her DAD. I doubt very much that her comfort is dependent on OP also being there. She is probably happier not in with OP.

Basically everyone is defending Dad’s right not to get out of bed and walk across the landing…

How did you get that from op's posts?😆

He needs to get up and night and comfort his child in her bed.

Another poster who launches in without reading the OPs posts 🙄

Defending the children's right to sleep with their parent.
Are they not welcome to do so?
Obviously not, we know the British love independence/isolation from cradle to grave. Disgusting practice.

Ummm no, because OP’s solution is that her DP gets into the child’s bed. So quite the opposite actually.

No where in your OP did you say she had a double bed for this reason, you say she should have some independence, but now you're saying you meant her dad to go sleep in there with her?

That's not a family bed, is it?
That'll be good for the marriage-not.

Do the children have to stand at the door and ask for a biscuit too?

I think it’s healthy to encourage independence in an 8 year old. And got a double bed so someone else can sleep in there if needed/dad can lay with her to read a story/she can have friends sleepover in the future etc. And yes for if she needs dad to sleep there.

Your sd only sees her father EOW, she feels he's replaced her with you and a new baby, and you start an argument in the middle of the night IN FRONT OF the child in the bed, yes, obviously YABU.

No, she’s here several times through the weeks, only sleeps over on weekends.

No, not in front of the child.

All these posts saying it’s perfectly normal for an 8 yo to sleep in their parents bed.
hell no. Nipped that in the bud at an early age and encouraged them to sleep in their own beds from around 4. No way are they disrupting our sleep. Where are peoples boundaries? Our 10yo has a friend who only just moved out of her parents bed. Couldnt believe it when I heard it.

And if that s the way you parent that’s your choice! And if it works for you and your kids then why not. So out of curiosity your children haven’t disrupted your sleep since they were 4? And also do you have a blended family? The reason I ask is that in case of blended families there are considerations that you wouldn’t have otherwise.

We are talking about something different here. It's not a 10 year old in her primary home.

It's an 8 year old in her dad's house who has a new family unit.

I don't impose artificial boundaries when it comes to providing my children with love and comfort.

Additionally, who knows what her sleeping arrangements are in her primary home. Maybe she shares a bed with her mum on a daily basis so it's hard for her to break habit.

She’s 8, she doesn’t want her dad to have a new partner and a baby. Keep that in mind, that’s where she’s coming from.

I don’t see any major issue with encouraging independence in an 8 year old but the time to do that is not while there is a new baby in the house.

Spending 3/4 nights in her dad’s house every couple of weeks and not being allowed into his bed does send her a message that she’s not important.

I think baby moving to his own room would really help though I understand if you don’t want to do that.

You are completely correct and the only reason op is getting a load of flack is because she is a stepparent therefore should never have any wants, needs or preferences of her own. She is essentially a second class citizen.

MN is vile about stepparents and blended families in general. So much superiority and idiotic drama about damaging children.

Imagine calling someone a dick just because they want a peaceful nights sleep with a small baby. There is a completely acceptable, rational solution - dad goes to sleep with dsd. But let's ignore that and stick the boot into the op purely because she's a stepmother.

Vile or realistic?

Show me a child who says do know what I would love right now - my dad to move out, me only stay with him a few nights every two weeks, him gain a new partner and have a baby.

Children want their parents, they want parental attention. Things that take away from that are upsetting, and yes in some cases traumatic.

A biological mother settling two 7 year olds at bed time isn’t comparable to a 8 year old step child dealing with staying with her dad’s partner and new baby.

This!

Some of the replies here border on the unhinged.

It’s not stick man - what difference does it make which is the “family bed”

Op I'm pretty sure if you hadn't mentioned you were her stepmum and it was assumed you were biological mum you would have had totally different responses!

It's obvious why sd is behaving this way and I feel for her, but I don't think like some pp suggest that the answer is to just let her sleep in your bed, it's not just about sd or her Dad. It's about you and your baby as well, so a solution needs to be found that is a compromise for everyone.

Personally I think her dad taking her back to bed once before caving and letting her sleep in with you seems a bit pointless. She'll have realised pretty quickly that after one attempt he'll then say ok just come into bed with us. If he doesn't want to keep getting up and trying to re-settle her then why doesn't he just go and sleep in her double bed with her? It's 3 nights a fortnight, it's not going to ruin your marriage and closeness or whatever some might suggest. I think it's totally reasonable for dad to go and sleep with her, he seems to want to, it might also be good for their bond where sd is feeling insecure about the baby. Sd isn't disturbed by the baby waking and you can bf without worrying about things, plus at this age your baby won't be aware but as he gets older it might mess with his routine and sleep if sometimes his ss is there and sometimes she isn't. I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel uncomfortable bf with sd there, sorry I know this will offend some people but I think I'd feel the same, we're all different and different feelings are ok!