Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

no adult encouraged any child. my child wanted to because my friend is almost like an auntie to him, just not related by blood. it was that, or have a child who was extremely distressed for the night while i was giving birth. I trust my friend completely.

I totally understand why the little girl is acting this way.
But I also understand the OP's feelings on the co-sleeping thing.

I'm sure you'll manage to find a workable and sympathetic solution.

Right now you have a small baby and the 7 year old seems so grown up. She’s not, she’s just a child. Would you like your own child to feel rejected and unwanted at any age? It’s such normal and typical behaviour from an older sibling and completely within developmental norms that she is seeking security given all the changes. I think dad needs to go into the room with her if it’s impacting your sleep which I get is hard. But untimely your stepchild is part of your life - most parents of a second child work and plan to hard to make the older sibling feel included, and it’s even more necessary when it’s a step sibling so this really shouldn’t be a surprise to you.

He only sees her for 4 days a month - poor kid. Why does he not parent more?

Did you read the part where I WANT her dad to provide her comfort by sleeping in her double bed (which we got for this exact scenario)? Without putting my son in danger - Co sleeping/feeding to sleep in bed is never safe with other children in the bed.

You’re talking as if I’m screaming at daughter to get out of the room whenever she seeks comfort in the night

I've now split from my exh but he had 4 kids. One of the things I miss most is them tentatively knocking on the door at god knows what hour and when I said come in all bursting in and snuggling up in bed with us. Even writing that has made me quite sad. You are ungrateful and mean.

So perfectly normal for her to want to share the bed. It seems significant that the post shifted from “I don’t like it and it makes me uncomfortable” to now, “it’s a safety issue”.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP.
I had a friend in a similar situation. Except in that instance, the SD was 9 and was absolutely hell bent on being as disruptive as she possibly could! Nothing to do with jealousy and all to do with driving a wedge! Makes me laugh how most parents don't even recognise this in children! I'm not saying that is your case OP, just something to be aware of from my experience.

@Astronomer13 is it unreasonable for her dad to sleep in her double bed instead of her sleeping in ours - that’s what I’m saying!

I think this is perfectly reasonable. If your partner won't do this, then go and sleep in the step-daughter's room with your baby.

Dad going in to settle her is a good solution.
Also address why the eight year old is waking.
Is she in pain, sick, ear or tooth aches, cold, too hot, worms etc? Do you need to add a red light near the toilet?
An eight year old should really enjoy sleeping snug all night on their own so check out whether there is not an underlying problem, other than a new baby.
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No…. She only sleeps over Friday-Monday every other weekend, but me or partner pick her up from school and have her until bedtime 2 or 3 times a week (depending on her clubs/activities).

You have a DP problem here.

Problem 1) he only sees his first born 4 days a month 🙄 a pathetic amount of time to spend with your child.

2. when his first born is distressed by the arrival of a new baby and is obviously feeling even more rejected than normal (having to sleep in a separate bed from them all) his first response should be to offer to sleep in with his DD, letting the OP and baby sleep and feed together undisturbed and the DD to get much needed love, security and 1-on-1 time with her dad.

Instead he's disturbing you all and getting grumpy when you suggest he sleep with his DD for the benefit of everyone.

Your DP needs to step up as both a parent and a partner. Maybe if he saw more of his child, she wouldn't be so fragile at the moment and maybe if he did what others wanted I.e. share with his daughter if she needs comfort in the night, everyone would get a better nights sleep.

I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with son doing it.
I don’t want son to be in danger.
ALL OF THE ABOVE

She only sleeps over Friday-Monday every other weekend, but me or partner pick her up from school and have her until bedtime 2 or 3 times a week (depending on her clubs/activities).

i cannot believe there’s any business in sleep training given the responses on this thread. The fact there is tells you that many, many parents want their children to sleep independently.

Also wild that when you become a step parent you lose autonomy over your own bed. Crazy.

The trouble here is that whilst your thinking is perfectly fine, children don’t understand logic.

so you think ‘it’s okay, I’m asking for her to go in to her beautiful bedroom with her dad’

she’s thinking: ‘they have a family unit and their own shared space I’m not allowed in, I’m being taken away from that’

Take the step parenting issues out of this. It’s normal to co-sleep with a baby, which you are sort of doing it sounds like. It’s normal for an 8 year old with a new baby sibling to feel insecure and need more reassurance during the night. Your dp needs to provide that. It isn’t really going to work well with 4 of you in your one bed and not safe for baby, but your dp can easily sort this by sleeping in with his dd until she is feeling a bit more secure.

If she doesn’t already have a double bed in her room, then he can create a bed for himself with a mattress on the floor, even putting her mattress down on the floor next to him. He can go in there at first wake up and stay with her. It won’t be forever, but she needs the reassurance of her dad on the very few days she gets to spend with him.

We bedshared with ours until they were 5-6 years old each, but not all together as little babies. There are two of us and lots of safe sleeping spaces in our house to make it work to tag team.

The comment in this thread are wild. I wonder how the little girls mum feels about co-sleeping. I would be very upset in my child co-slept with the step-parents.

I’d be unhappy about it!
But obviously I am the villain and wrong so

where do you think the instinct to drive a wedge comes from if not from jealousy? It’s literally the most obvious source.

He's her father - I don't understand why this is an issue.
The poor child is feeling unsettled by all the changes - she needs to be with her parent. I would say this is pretty obvious,tbh.

Have you got a spare bed anywhere? You could move out of the room when she stays over so she can share with dad if she needs? Or he gets a mattress in her room. It doesn’t take a genius to work out why she wants a bit of assurance from her dad and nice that he’s trying to accommodate. I think you should give them some space.

That’s exactly what I’m trying to do…..

Wow! You really think the solution to this is for this relationship to end and another child being brought up having their life split across two homes?

I’m sorry but no one said you were the villain. Your post has asking for advice. You can obviously take it or leave it. Being wrong in this instance doesn’t mean that you are a “villain” or a bad person. We are offering you a different perspective. From people who have older children (which gives them a better perspective than yours as your baby is small) and from people who have blended families. We all do things wrong - all the time as humans and as parents, hopefully you get out of the mentality of being a villain and just take it on board and find a solution that works for you all not for just part of the family.