Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

They’ve never been a step parent - the best ones are the ones who haven’t lived the experience, it’s very easy to speculate.

You let your children sleep in the same bed as someone who wasn't their father?

Of course she doesn’t. But not tolerating his daughter will bite her in the arse some day.

Rubbish - some parents won’t tolerate co-sleeping let alone an unrelated adult.

I said that's how your attitude reads from your posts. I never implied its exactly what you said.

Your feelings and boundaries are important, especially when you don't sleep weel due to breastfeeding etc but you didn't make even one comment about his daughter wellbeing or how hard it must be for her or showed any concern for her.

But like I said - I'm extremely biased. Before we blended families we made sure we loved and fully accept each other's children. Most blended families dont work and they are not for everyone. It will never be like having a nuclear family yet people always expect io be.
I understand not everyone thinks that way.
Maybe I've just seen to many step children being sidelined and I'jumping to conclusions too quickly.

If she sends him and her out - which her partner was pretty against last night so I think we know his feelings - it will cause irreparable damage between them. As it should.

She has regressed because she is feeling insecure. She is only there every other weekend so I think you need to relent a little. You should either let your partner sleep with her in her room for the weekend, or let her in the bed.
Try and see the world from her view. She feels worried re the baby, and is seeking reassurance from you and her dad. You are rejecting her in sending her back to her room and so the cycle perpetuates. This is just a stage so make her feel included and loved. She is only 8. As with all things it will pass.

Sorry I thought it went without saying…We adore her and want what’s best for her, the same as for our son

Wow. Poor girl. You should never have become a step parent op. You're not cut out for it. Your attitude toward this young girl is horrible.

I don’t think it’s “weird” at all.

This makes me sad and your concern for her ‘independence’ and ‘her quality of sleep’ sounds like thinly veiled contempt of her disturbing your set up with her dad and new baby. Poor child, she’ll feel distraught and left out. Cut her some slack - she’s only 8!!

Good, hopefully he fucks off and the woman with a 9 month off baby can sleep in peace.

Would you let your DC’s friends get into bed with you? Your nieces and nephews?

She is only 8 and having a new sibling is hard. The baby lives with her dad, can you put a spare bed in her room so your partner can sleep there if needed.

👏🏻

OP is already dealing with disturbed sleep, she shouldn’t have to deal with this too - her partner should be prioritising her sleep.

Blended families do not work. If my DD met a man who already had children I would strongly advise her to RUN.

No fault of the children but adults just can't negotiate the territory issue around this. You don't love other children the way you do your own.

That's a bit of a wild generalisation from one situation.
SC or not, I'd be pretty grumpy if I had a baby and was getting disturbed sleep even more.
The solution to this issue has to work for everyone - the baby and the 8 year old especially.

I would not want another person's child in bed with me. I couldn't even do this with my own niece and nephew. I also wouldn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of a school aged child either.

At no point is the OP saying her SD should sleep alone, she is actively encouraging her partner to go into SD's room and sleep in there with her. As a parent I wouldn't want my own children sharing a bed with their Dad and his wife.

I am not a step parent but my best friend is and they had SD living with them full time and seeing her unstable Mother EOW. She also didn't like sharing a bed and so her husband slept in with his daughter in her room.

I found it weird.
Not sure how delighted my SC's Mum would have been either.

You're missing the point @ChoppedChorizo

The op CHOSE to be a stepmother. If she was going to think it was weird for her stepdaughter at 8 to share her bed, then she should never have become one.

It isn't fair on the child. She has created a situation where an 8 year old child, who sees her dad 10% of the time, is being told that she has to be in a separate room whilst everyone else in the house is all cosy in one room. How on Earth do you think that would make her feel?!

I'm sorry I think I completely misinterpreted then. It's just the way your posts reads. And I think that's partly why you're having a bit of hard time here.
Having a baby and breastfeeding is hard so I completely understand why you would prefer her to stay in her bedroom.

And the problem is that getting up at night and going to parent's bed can just become a habit.

Great. Thanks for letting me know.

Poor girl. Op i think she's seeking reassurance from both of you here, which is lovely and shows she thinks a lot of you. Or your DP is including you in the reassurances which is equally thoughtful.

I'd let it go iiwm, it won't last forever and is a minor thing really to the adults but will be huge in that little girls world.

“The attitude of just shoving a child back to their bedroom because that's where they should be.”

Thats not what I’ve said AT ALL

You said:

I feel that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl. - You think she should go to her own room for your privacy and to encourage 'independence' (which means don't bother us, we have a baby now).

Your partner is right, and the first poster on the thread was right. I think it's wrong you're trying to push her away at this time.

You may feel uncomfortable but it's completely normal at that age, and actually shows she is comfortable with you to be frank, if she didn't want to be near you she would be demanding her dad came into her room.

It's huge change to her and she feels she's missing out as the baby, her sibling is in with you