Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

OP, your solution is exactly what should be happening. DP goes in with his DD, manageable because she has a double bed. He just doesn’t want to move, the lazy arse. Tell him it’s non-negotiable.

That didn’t come across, sorry. I thought you just want her to stop getting in the bed? So you are going to get a mattress for her room and partner sleeps in there when she’s over, or you and baby sleep in spare room? I just meant that it’s probably quite a short term issue while she needs reassurance that her dad still loves her…

YABU and dramatic.

Yes this!

Does she know you are moving? Has this added to her feelings of being unsettled? Does she know that she and her half brother will each have their own rooms? Can you stick it out until you move, considering it is only a couple of nights a fortnight?

Hard as it is, put her feelings and fears ahead of yours for the moment. It is natural to feel more protective of your own baby, but at 9 months old he is not a newborn and lower risk for co-sleeping than he was. If her dad wants to bedshare with her when she is there, maybe consider if on those nights, you go in her room for the moment. Not your ideal set up, but sometimes needs must.

She has a double bed in her room so that dad can sleep in there with her.

She's obviously jealous re the new baby, that's blindingly obvious. Yes, I do agree bedsharing is inappropriate at this age if she's not your DD, but at least she is the same sex as you. Do you involve her in the care of the baby, does your partner have time alone with his DD? Loads of things you can try!

I’m sure it was and is fine. But never rule anyone out of your suspicions. The sad fact is your child is more likely to be abused by someone you know and trust that a stranger. It happens in biological families too, it happens in every instance of relationships.

Personally my kids can share with me or their dad. Nobody else.

I can’t stop reading this thread, I’m going to comment again and then unwatch because it’s driving me mad!

About 3 months ago I posted on here asking if I was being unreasonable to put my 7 years olds to bed and then promptly after a story leave them to settle themselves, I explained I had previously been staying until they were asleep or almost asleep and that it took about 45 minutes. One of my 7 year olds is ASD, I said I was ready to claim this time back for myself at the end of the day and really wasn’t sure what people did.

Let me tell you that 90 something percent of people thought that I was being perfectly reasonable to leave them to settle. I felt a bit silly as hundreds of people said ‘fuck that…’ ‘mine have settled after a quick story since the age of 2…’ ‘you need this time for yourself…’ I mean it was overwhelmingly towards me not being unreasonable. People were openly mocking me for staying and making myself uncomfortable!

Not once did someone say ‘is there a new baby in the family?’ ‘Do you have a new partner?’ Because they assumed the children were biologically mine (quite rightly) or that any life event wouldn’t alter their opinion. Everyone felt I deserved some time to myself to relax.

So a biological Mum with children aged 7 is told that settling her children for 45 minutes is excessive but a step Mum of a child older than mine doesn’t deserve a full nights sleep? When she’s offered a perfectly reasonable and comfortable-for-everyone solution?

Hypocrisy and judgement. It must be nice up there on their high horses!

I especially love the ones that assumed one weekend a fortnight meant 1 night every 14 rather than 3 nights, my 1st assumption was that it was likely 3 nights and that you likely saw her through the week without an overnight stay.

It's not safe having an 8 year old in with a small baby though. Dad going lay with her until she's asleep in her bed is a reasonable solution.

How would your DH feel in reverse OP?

My DH didn’t get it until I said, ok, next time my niece stays are you ok for her to chat to whilst you bathe (something else my DH couldn’t understand why I didn’t allow) and cuddle you in bed?

The penny dropped then.

You are absolutely wrong. OP has been roundly attacked here as stupid, selfish, foolish (for getting involved with someone who already had children) and who should anticipate/who deserves to have her now infant son lose his father or grow up with a step parent.

So what is DP's objection to going to his DD's bed and sleeping there when she's unsettled?

@Merrygoround8

Either let her be in the bed, or get another mattress and your husband will go with her. This isn’t every night. It’s every other weekend.
It's like you were so desperate to write your essay of criticism that you didn't bother reading the OPs posts.
They don't need a mattress. They bought a new double bed for the girl so that dad could go to her bed. The OP has said many times that this is her preferred option. That dad confirms his dd in her bed. Why not read before launching in.

This is the best reply.

OP isn’t being unreasonable.

The little girl isn’t being unreasonable either.

Dad just needs to go and sleep in his daughter’s room for a while if she tries to get in bed with him.

Her baby’s crib is in her room.

I would rather be single (rather than be with a man that quite literally won’t move bedrooms to another large bed they bought) than have my sleep disturbed on top of breast feeding a baby - yes you are reading that correctly.

No offence but this is the internet. You have to sift through a lot of people who for whatever reason I couldn’t tell you that use it to criticise others - maybe I worded it wrong and I should have said I didn’t say you were a villain. Instead of a blanket no one said - that was more used as an expression really but maybe wrongly. But good perspectives were offered here and some people even agreed with OP. If you post on an open forum (sadly) you have a to be open to the possibility that some people are just going to be nasty or rude - which I don’t condone and won’t engage with but you have to let it roll off you. To be the OP came across as defensive with opinions that disagreed with her. That’s all.

@ChoppedChorizo I probably didn't word my post correctly, I meant why isn't the OP's DP going to sleep with his DD in the DD's bedroom if the crib is in with OP.

His refusal to do that seems to be fucking up everyone's sleep and I'm wondering why.

Agree.

Don't you read all the OP posts before you post? You can filter so you can read all their posts

@Peaceandquietandacuppa

That didn’t come across, sorry. I thought you just want her to stop getting in the bed? So you are going to get a mattress for her room and partner sleeps in there when she’s over, or you and baby sleep in spare room? I just meant that it’s probably quite a short term issue while she needs reassurance that her dad still loves her…
Huh? It TOTALLY came across. The OP made this point very clear multiple times.

Poor girl – it’s totally normal for an 8-year old to get into parents’ bed. It’s not a boundaries issue. Sorry but you’ve chosen to set up a home with someone who has a young child. Get that it’s not your preference to share your bed but don’t make it about the girl having ‘issues’ or needing some form of correction, her behaviour is normal, standard 8-year old stuff. Particularly in the circumstances.

I don’t understand why your son is in danger?

Co-sleeping in bed in dangerous for babies, regardless of whether the DD is in there too and she could sleep the other side of DH.

If you don’t want her sleeping in bed with you because it’s disturbing your sleep etc then that’s fine but to say it’s dangerous to your son is a bit disingenuous and if I was your DP I’d be annoyed at you using your baby as an excuse.

Another woman who gets with a man who has a child and as soon as she has her own baby wants to push the first child out.