Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

I get this. My EXDP used to bring his DS aged 4-10 into our bed which I was extremely uncomfortable with. He ignored me about it for ages, then agreed that whenever his DS came to get in our bed he would take him back to his room and they would both sleep there together.

That could be a solution for you, although it does mean you have to deal with baby during the night by yourself when your DSD stays over.

A good solution for you not for her if you think about it. She’s 8. Her dad has a new partner and a new baby. I suggest you cut her some slack. If you showed her some love and understanding this would resolve itself make her feel a part of the family, not pushed away when she needs reassurance. Maybe when she is with you dad can spend the night in her bed and you can have your bed to yourself.

Another messy blended family situation🙄I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a bed with a child who wasn't my own either. Which is why I would never be in a relationship with a man who had kids. Why do people get into these situations and then not cope with them?!

I also think you must be tired - with a 9 month old. But think about it this way how would you feel if your world was turned upside down and your SM was showing preference - you would feel insecure and would want re assurance. But at 8 years old she’s not able to sit down and communicate this in an adult manner. This is her telling you that she needs more - it’s both your jobs to find a solution.

The situation is a bit of a red herring. Plenty of people don't want 8 year olds in the bed. But whether you see it or not, your posts absolutely shine through with an attitude of she's not really a part of your family.
It's very noticeable how you keep saying we feel x and y way about her. You are kidding yourself if you think your love for her is equal to that if her dad's.

She does not need a 'good talking to'. Don't be so patronising.

I did wonder how long it would be before the old chestnut 'you knew he had a daughter' came out.

Yes she knew. No that doesn't mean she never gets a say in anything again ever. The dd deserves comfort and reassurance, the op deserves privacy and a good nights sleep. There is a very easy solution to achieve both - the child's father goes to sleep with her in her own bedroom.

Why do people insist on villainising stepparents when they have done literally nothing wrong?

Your baby isn’t a newborn anymore, he’s 9 months old, can he go into his own room?

What, put a breast-fed 9 month old baby in another room so an 8 year old can get in bed instead? Ludicrous idea! If / when DSD comes in, the dad can go with her to her own room and sleep there as DSD's room has been provided with a double bed for exactly this reason, leaving OP and baby to sleep and feed and get the rest they need in OP's own bed.

In this specific case,the op is very much in the wrong. She is excluding an 8yo and She argued with her boyfriend about this . The villain in this case is the op and her exclusionary behaviour to a little girl

I completed disagree. Of course you can love other children as if they are your own. But you do have to be open to it. You have to have compassion and patience and understanding. We have both blended families and adopted families in my life and I guarantee you they are all treated the same.

It's every other weekend.

FFS

Baby gets to share with mum and dad so sc wants to be there too. Not massively surprising and totally normal. We put a small mattress on the floor as we co slept with twins from the 4am feed so dd couldn’t come in the bed but wanted to be with us. Don’t push sdc away.

It’s obvious why she’s doing it, but the OP is absolutely NOT unreasonable to be uncomfortable about it.

Bonkers respinses. Its as though the only real people are the father and first child. The adult female and new baby exist only on sufferance in mumsnet world. Breastfed 9 month old should sleep in a nursery so an 8 year old can push her way into daddys bed?

'Why do people insist on villainising stepparents when they have done literally nothing wrong?'

Because, in this instance, as with pretty much every time on the sp board, they have done something wrong.

Blending families is only ever about what the adults want. Never about what's best for the already existing kids.

New families are created without the blindest bit of consideration for the step child, only that of themselves and shiny new family, and then comes the bewilderment of what is 'wrong' with the stepchild.

@Zone2NorthLondon utter rubbish. How is she excluding her? She isn't packing her off alone, she's suggesting her dh - the child's biological parent - goes to sleep with her. Where is the problem there? Everyone would sleep better.

But no, stepparents must absolutely martyr themselves.

Could you explain why it would be wrong for the child's father to sleep in her own room with her? Isn't that the obvious solution to everyone's issue?

This is why I wouldn’t have kids with anyone else if my husband and I divorced, and why he says he wouldn’t either. She obviously feels very pushed out. If I was your husband I would sleep on her room on a mattress on the floor when she stayed over and ensure she knew she was loved as much as the new baby.

Could you explain why it would be wrong for the child's father to sleep in her own room with her? Isn't that the obvious solution to everyone's issue?

Absolutely it is. So obvious in fact, that that's kind of the problem that the op needed it spelling out. The whole tone was one of Her stepchild not being part of the new family. And zero empathy as to why her stepdaughter was behaving this way.

I'm sorry OP but I will echo PPs. YABU.

An 8 year old is a child who is currently experiencing an emotional roller coaster due to a new half sibling. She is feeling pushed out and that her dad has a new family.

May I make a suggestion - why don't you go to a different room with the baby and let the girl find some comfort with her dad, as you're not willing to give her the love she needs.

Ah OP I feel for you. Welcome to mumsnet where step parents are the devil, you clearly just wish the child didn’t exist and your partner is a shit dad and it doesn’t matter what you say or do or argue on here people have their own weird assumptions (e.g. you hate your step daughter). Went through the same, my husband’s daughter got into our bed. I wasnt comfortable and neither was her mum and I totally totally understand that. Youre not being unreasonable at all.

No of course I don’t think my love for her is equal to that of her dads.
in the same way that of me and my sons dad separated, I know his partner would love my son like I do.

Completely natural for children to want to be next to their parents, there is no age limit for this. It's rather callous and cruel to have this routine rejection for the child by taking her back to bed.

Just accept it, embrace it and buy a larger bed.

I'd also like to add that the advice in the UK to take children to their own rooms and not allow them access to their parents' rooms is not universally adopted around the world.

I think its quite a primal thing for some step-parents to get extra irritated with the older stepchild when a new baby comes, and expect a level of maturity from them that isnt reasonable.
You probably see the 8 year old as quite old and think she should be really resilient. Maybe much more than they actually are.

You and your partners attitude towards her at this time is crucial for her and her brothers future relationship.
If you previously tried to get her excited about her new role of big sister, and tried to get her enthusiastic about the new baby, but the reality is, when she feels insecure at night and wants to get in where the entire rest of the family are sleeping, she is kicked out as the only one in the house who has to sleep alone.

My advice would be to accept her coming in at night if thats what she needs to do at the moment. Maybe put a little camp bed down and tell her that if she needs to come in at night, to settle on the camp bed.

This is a self limiting issue. If you let her do it freely and without shaming her or kicking her out, the chances are she will feel more relaxed about her own bedroom sooner than if you keep kicking her out.
The new baby is extremely likely to be making her feel less secure around her dad and you. She needs to know she is still loved and still special and still her dads baby. You really do need to try and suck up your irritation.

I've seen zero evidence of any lack of empathy, just frustration at a situation she isn't comfortable with and no support from her Dh who is probably rolling over and going back to sleep leaving the breastfeeding op tired and uncomfortable.

Excluding a stepchild is wrong. Obviously. But it's definitely not unreasonable to want your bed to be your own. Loads of people don't want their own dc sleeping with them at that age, especially when they have a baby in with them too.