Uncomfortable with partners 8yo coming into our bed

[Astronomer13]

Advice please 🙏🏼

My boyfriend has an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

She has her own beautifully decorated room where she chose own decor etc (I’d have loved a room like that when I was a kid!!) so I don’t think the issue is with that. She used to sleep happily in there and wake her dad up in the morning to go into the living room to watch telly.

A few months ago she started to come into our room after we went to bed saying that she can’t sleep. Boyfriend would take her back to bed, lay with her for a bit then leave her to sleep. This has gradually got worse in the past few months. She’s in and out of our room until eventually partner has said just get into bed with us. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this.

Me and partner have a 9 month old baby who sleeps in his crib in our room also so it disturbs the baby. Behaviour from his daughter began when the baby was maybe 3-4 months. I breastfeed in bed through the night and this is difficult and uncomfortable with partners daughter in the bed!

Last night it blew up a bit - partners daughter was up and down like a yo yo and then he said she could get into bed with us. I gave it a few minutes and then asked partner for her to go back into her own bed (tactfully). He said “she’s ok here!” in an aggrivated way but then did take her back to her bed a couple of minutes later. When he returned I told him I was uncomfortable with the set up and if she’s being this way on a night then he could go into her bedroom for a while but I was uncomfortable with her sharing our bed. He was very much saying “what’s the big deal, she’s my daughter”. She isn’t MY daughter and he didn’t understand how this was an uncomfortable situation for me. After some bickering about him not respecting my feelings he went to sleep in daughters room with her.

I fee that at 8yo it’s not unreasonable to expect some age appropriate conversation to haven about boundaries and privacy but partner thinks it’s a non issue. Also to encourage some independence - she’s 8 and otherwise a very confident girl.

Edit - I also don’t think I’d be comfortable as a mum with my little boy sleeping in a bed with an adult who wasn’t me or his dad, though I don’t know what partners daughters mum thinks of the situation?

To be honest when mine were babies I had the main bedroom and DH slept elsewhere anyway! It’s hard to safely co-sleep and breastfeed with multiple people in the bed.

An 8 year old wanting company while sleeping seems pretty normal to me. Ours did and I know plenty others that do too, but it would make more sense for your DH to go in with her.

Everyone would likely get more sleep!

What a truly worrisome post. This poor child will always know dad's lady friend doesn't like her as much as her own child. Parenting is less about your own comfort. Parenting is inherently uncomfortable. Thems the breaks.

I wonder if this situation may feel more manageable for you and you DH if you look at it from another angle. Rather than focusing on how physically uncomfortable it is having DD crawl into bed with you DH and DS may focus on the feelings she is having which is making her do this?
Addressing an unhelpful behaviour is usually helped by seeing the behaviour as someone simply communicating a need. What is she needing? Just taking her back to her bed isn’t meeting whatever need it is. This may need extra support and reassurance during the day now DS has arrived. Or maybe it’s something else which is going on/changed in your house or at her mum’s.
Basically you’re more likely to achieve your desired outcome if you take time to explore why she feels the need to come in with you rather than just reacting to it.

@the7Vabo but relationships and marriages do break down. Yes it's never ideal but it happens. That's being realistic. And when anyone comes on here for advice regarding any issue to do with step parenting or a blended family, they just get totally ridiculous replies which would 100% be different if they were a biological parent. This is a prime example of that.

I grew up with a stepfather who was brilliant. We had a fantastic relationship, yes we rowed but that happens in all families. He was truly a wonderful man and my life was enriched by having him in it. Not all blended families result in emotional trauma or kids who grow up damaged. But MN acts like they do, like they are somehow inferior to 'proper' families and it's fucking gross.

The op has done nothing wrong. There is a workable solution to the whole issue but rather than focus on that people are just telling her how awful she is. And it's purely and simply because she is a stepparent.

This is so true. My mum is actually more resentful of my grandparents because they stayed together for so long and gave her and her siblings a life of hell. He moved on eventually and had another family and is a wonderful husband and dad because it’s a healthy relationship and whilst part of my mum is also hurt by that she’s more hurt that her parents didn’t split earlier and parent her and her siblings separately in the way they should and (as my grandad proved) could have

Get a double bed for SD’s room, ask your partner to sleep in there on the evenings she stays over. Problem solved. The child is seeking out her father at a time she is unsure of her place in things, she isn’t doing anything wrong. However I understand that OP has 9 month old to take care of, so practically speaking the issue needs resolving with minimum conflict.

Well said.

she's 8 - and has already had a lot to deal with at such a young age. feel glad she feels safe with her stepmum. soon she'll be a teenager and have a whole different view on the world and (step)parents.

oh we had about 10000000 nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor, in a toddler bed, squashed all into one bed. it's part and parcel of having little ones isn't it

For all the people saying you’re getting negative comment because of views on step parents, I really don’t believe so.

If you had been her mother and were asking how to cope with an 8 year old suddenly wanting to be back in the bed (after birth of sibling) what do you think the advice would be? What advice would you give yourself? You would of course want to deal with the issue sensitively and without making your older child feel rejected in any way. You’d invite them in and gently try to coax back to bed over the next days and weeks.

The op comes across as you see her as an intruder in your family life, an outsider. And if you were being honest with yourself you probably do see it that way.

However, if the easy solution is for her dad to go with her then do that. From your op I suspect this will be one issue with many more to come.

I knew the second I wrote that someone would jump in and say they’d a great blended family.

Im sure lots of families are great blended families, but I think it would be unsuual if kids didn’t struggle at first and this kid clearly is.

And it isn’t comparable to full biological families to the people saying the OP would be getting different responses, yes because it would be different!! Fot starters they would all be living together full time.

Actually we’ve nothing to do with his children now. My husbands ex made a malicious and false report to social services and promised to do it again if we tried to maintain contact. Didn’t even post about it on here because parent alienation by the mother can never be a thing

I’ve had malicious, wholly ficticous accusations made about my dog. They weren’t taken seriously - because there were no coresponding injuries. But it’s definitely made me more cautious about now putting myself in a vulnerable position- sharing a bed would be one.

I think a dog and children are slightly different but it put us in an impossible and exceptionally vulnerable situation where very horrible decisions had to be made

I think you’ve misunderstood. DSS made accusations about my dog in our home. Essentially said he’d been attacked and bitten. Social services were involved as her told school.

Ah sorry my apologies I thought you meant animal cruelty. My mistake

Just kick dad out to share with the daughter in her room problem solved no drama. Three in a bad and a new baby is a crazy idea no one will get any rest. My DH always moved out when we had a newborn.

Bloody hell it's 4 nights a month to let her sleep in with you guys. I don't think it's a lot to ask for to let her feel loved.

Protect yourself against any potential allegations from your DP's ex etc as innocent things can be misconstrued!