Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

To put the best possible spin on this, you could say he may be genuine and its a case of right woman, wrong time. More cynically, you could say he's keeping you as an option. Either way, I wouldn't be happy with this type of faffing around and I'd not wait for him to make his mind up. I'd tell him to give me a call if and when he was sure he was ready, and that id see how I felt then if I was still single.

Unless you've lied, this guy has to be the guy in your other thread. In which case he has never been sure about a relationship with you. Like I said earlier, he won't ever be able to have a fresh start with you. You are from a terrible time in his life. You will always be a reminder of that. He wants to move on. You need to too. Stop holding him and yourself back.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5137295-setback-in-breakup-please-help?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

And this where the OP was messaging her ex after they split telling him she loves him.

I know the OP thinks we’re nasty and mean for reading these old threads but we are clearly seeing a pattern of behaviour where she falls very hard for these unsuitable men and breaks her own heart but not taking any advice onboard apart from the 1% who goes against the grain and gives her a tiny hope.

We are not saying this to be nasty OP the opposite in fact. I think many of us have had crappy relationships with the wrong men or we’ve been the recently separated person who struggles to commit. We are trying to help you understand yourself and realise you are repeating self destructive patterns over and over again.

Most of the posts on here are genuinely coming from a good place - you can’t accept that because you are refusing to face reality right now.

Please rather that just think everyone is a mean girl being nasty, try and see it as experienced women telling you that you need to step back to be kind to yourself and not keep chasing false hope.

Hmm, that break up was Dec 2023. So that would be 14 ish months ago? The one in the other thread was 4 months ago. This one is 4 months long but 15 months previously left a relationship. Is it all the same break up/exes getting together?

I'm starting to wonder if this obsession with this man is about you not wanting to lose your tenuous link to your other ex. The ex who left you for this current man's wife. If you lose this guy, you lose any connection to your other ex who you were still obsessing over 8 months after leaving (and only a couple of months before you got with the current man).

😱
her ex is the affair partner of the wife of her most recent (now) ex? You couldn’t make it up.
Hope the kids have a father…

No my ex is not linked to this man.

So it hasn't been anywhere near 4 months you've been "dating" him then, if this was a different guy at the start of November?!

So at the very least you're exaggerating how long you've been dating? Have you been untruthful about other aspects of this situation? You're sounding more and more like the one waving red flags here to be honest....

I have not been untruthful about anything. I don't need to explain myself any further than that... There are some lovely leople on here but also some very childish and nasty ones. Namely those who keep trying to to derail my thread and bringing up completely irrelevant past threads and a past cheating ex.

I appreciate the ones who are kind and helpful but please if you're going to post about previous threads and try and derail the current one please just don't respond.

The two ex's aren't linked. I haven't lied about time frames. I don't wish to go into more detail.

It's not irrelevant if it's a pattern of behaviour and if you want people to take you at your word when you are obviously being disingenuous with the truth and the timescales involved. If you've been dating this guy for 4 months whilst also involved with the previous one in November then it stands to reason you aren't the most reliable narrator.

Calling posters "childish and nasty" when they are trying to help in good faith isn't a good look, neither is emotionally abandoning your children (who don't seem a priority in any of your previous threads!) to obsess over another short term fling online. If you've can't see that your past is informing your present here then you are even more delusional than your threads suggest.

Na you're at it. Quite convenient to say you won't reply to anyone bringing up your previous post but your story doesn't tie up. People have taken the time to try and give advice and help you and you've clearly been dishonest. People are allowed to question that especially when you've wasted everyone's time.

In November 2024 you were posting about dating your ex's affair partner's ex who you say is a different man to the man this post is about. How can that be so? How can you have been seeing your current man for 4 months when 3.5 months ago you were dating an entirely different man.

Even if you've rounded the months up and you went straight from the last guy to this one, your behaviour is wreckless. In August you were obsessing over an ex who cheated on you. A couple months later your obsessing over your ex's affair partner's ex who was quite clearly unsure about dating you and the following day your with the most recent man, head over heels with him after a couple of months and again obsessing over a man who's repeatedly told you he's not interested.

Of course you won't reply to this like you stated because you're not going to admit that you've been dishonest.

You're calling people who pull you up on your questionable behaviour nasty and childish to avoid actually taking accountability for your own behaviour. No one on here has been nasty. They've just pointed out some truths that you don't want to hear.

honestly don't pay attention to these horrible comments, it's an awful way to talk to someone who is struggling.
people in our society honestly don't get that it is normal to feel like this when your attachment is broken, being told 'just get over this' is stupid. why people bother commenting if they are going to be calling you 'saddo' i honestly don't get. if you have such healthy relationships yourselves, shouldn't you just be enjoying valentines day with your partners instead of posting judgy comments on mumsnet??
i've been lately reading this to understand why i also got stuck thinking so much about my ex and it explains a lot
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love - Lisa Marie Bobby - Google Books
it just talks about how me are primarily built to want love and attachment and how this can be quite addictive and why we feel so unhinged when that attachment breaks even if it's not objectively good for us.
she has a podcast as well
Dealing With Heartbreak? Get Your Breakup Questions Answered. | Breakup Recovery

i have amazing friends, but people just talk shit honestly.

Your reaction to splitting with someone you’re dating for a few months is disturbingly disproportionate. Please try to focus on yourself (counselling if necessary) and leave men alone for a while.
However, I can tell that you’re going to continue to let this man play with your feelings (and probably get his sexual needs fulfilled) and keep giving you breadcrumbs of affection. You deserve better than someone who wants your time, affection and sex without even giving you the respect of the name ‘girlfriend’.

That’s when she was having an embryo transfer too. I did report to MN as whatever’s going on, she seems intensely vulnerable. Anyway, the thread still stands so I assume she’s legit.

Rarely have I seen an OP more comprehensively caught out by her posting history!

Run!!! I got involved with someone whose marriage was “over”. 3 months later he told me he needed to go and try again. I let him go, because I loved him. Within a month he told me it was a mistake and she couldn’t get over the fact he was in love with another woman. They split and 8 years later we are still together with a child. My god though those months were torture. And she hasn’t left us alone. I love him and have since I was like 15, but if I could turn the clock back I’d have walked away when I could!!!!

Of course you can be exclusive whilst still married if you are separated - I don’t really understand the issue you have with this. Before my divorce I started an exclusive relationship with my current partner. It’s very, very common.

By exclusive, people invariably mean they are emotionally and physically attached exclusively to one other person. If you’re genuinely separated, you may be legally married, but you’re not physically or emotionally involved.

Bonkers isn’t it? I wonder if it’s all fantasy.

He's just not that into you.

Why would you want someone who is unsure of you. Dump him and work on why you have low esteem when it comes to men. If any man said thar to me I'd be gone in a second.

And then attack anyone who pulled her up on her inconsistent posts as nasty bullying rude people.

Caught telling porkies bang to rights

This. I'm separated from my husband and in the middle of a divorce (i filed). He has written several times asking for a reconciliation. A separated man will always go back to his wife if she would have him

I'm not going to respond to the minority who seem to think my previous posting history (which incidentally has literally nothing to do with this current post 🙄) means things are linked. They aren't. I can't divulge personal evidence to counteract what some of you are claiming but all I can say is you're mistaken on the particulars.

That aside I have found out this man is not as nice and honest as I initially thought. And he's pretty much used me.

I'm going to become a reluctant member of the 'don't date divorced men ' club .

I would tend to agree that is it not great to date a separated man...they have too much baggage and they are not fully healed. The other party is used as a comfort blanket to numb the pain of the divorce