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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:12

OverthinkingOlive · 08/02/2025 16:11

Honestly don't do it. I dated a long term friend when he was going through a divorce and he never committed to me because even though he didn't know it at the time his head was all over the place. If things had started a couple of years down the line maybe things would be different and maybe they wouldn't. But it was what it was and the friendship was killed. I was absolutely devastated.

Stay away from anyone who hasn't been fully divorced for at least a year. Let them sow their wild oats otherwise you'll be the oat. And trust me - it will hurt.

He has been separated and living apart for 15 months already... Is this much different than being officially divorced for a year ?

OP posts:
Chillilounger · 08/02/2025 16:12

Let him go. Tell him to get in touch if he wants to try seriously and but that you won't be waiting around.

outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 16:14

"The problem is him saying 95% of the time he wants a proper relationship where he calls me his girlfriend and introduces me to his kids, and then the other 5% of the time(the two wobbles) where has expressed not being ready for that."

4 months and still married is WAY too soon for you to be meeting his kids.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/02/2025 16:14

I’m going to give a different perspective, but am not saying I’m right and the others are wrong.

I started seeing someone who was going through a divorce. We were happy bumbling along together but it was loose in terms of commitment in the way of words like girlfriend and plans for the future. Suited me fine at the time. We’ve been married 21 years this year, 2 kids.

OP I would say he’s sensible to not make you a rebound fiancé. If you’re happy for now is that enough, or are you looking for a firmer commitment?

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:14

outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 16:06

He has legal ties to another woman so you can't say you're exclusive. You said you met the family, does that mean kids?

He won't even call you his GF and you've been seeing this married guy for 4 months. He doesn't see this the same way you do.

Oh no, living with his parents? And kids involved? How old is this married king?

Dump and run!

Edited

I have not met his kids. I have met his parents, his siblings and nephew.

He has said multiple times he only wants me and that he sees a long term future for us but he needs patience and time.. So I don't think he doesn't see this the same way I do. But he's needing more time than me.

Yes we are physically intimate. I was debating stopping that and just going on dates. But after 4 months that is difficult!!

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 08/02/2025 16:15

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:12

He has been separated and living apart for 15 months already... Is this much different than being officially divorced for a year ?

Show quote history

Yes. Seperated isn't divorced. Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through and he's already telling you he isn't ready. I know it's hard x

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:16

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/02/2025 16:14

I’m going to give a different perspective, but am not saying I’m right and the others are wrong.

I started seeing someone who was going through a divorce. We were happy bumbling along together but it was loose in terms of commitment in the way of words like girlfriend and plans for the future. Suited me fine at the time. We’ve been married 21 years this year, 2 kids.

OP I would say he’s sensible to not make you a rebound fiancé. If you’re happy for now is that enough, or are you looking for a firmer commitment?

Edited

Thanks, needed a perspective like thar !
I am scared I guess, scared that although he wants a proper relationship 95% of the time there is 5% of him not wanting it. I don't want him to sod off and leave me heartbroken.

He says that won't happen but I guess I am fearful that the 5% doubt he has could grow stronger.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:18

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:11

The problem is him saying 95% of the time he wants a proper relationship where he calls me his girlfriend and introduces me to his kids, and then the other 5% of the time(the two wobbles) where has expressed not being ready for that.

Show quote history

Sounds like a) he doesn't really know what he wants or b) He's saying want you want to hear in order to keep you.

This man is not ready for a committed relationship and wants his freedom. I would tell him that's fine by you but then you're opening the relationship and dating other men, that would be the fair thing. You want your freedom options open too so you'll have to 'downgrade' him to "friends with benefits", then go, do it and date other guys. This one is not ready to settle.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/02/2025 16:20

I'm sorry I can't add anything but just wanted to say I really liked your phraseology...

"...one out of the two aforementioned wobbles..."

I'm guessing you have had some legal training.🤣

OverthinkingOlive · 08/02/2025 16:20

The divorce process will probably get ugly or draining, when it's over and he looks back on it all he'll just want to move on from that whole period of his life. If you're someone he's involved with during that time and he has added stress by trying to meet your needs too he will ultimately want to put you in the past as well. He will associate you with that time in his life. Step away. If it's meant to be he will find you again.

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:20

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:18

Sounds like a) he doesn't really know what he wants or b) He's saying want you want to hear in order to keep you.

This man is not ready for a committed relationship and wants his freedom. I would tell him that's fine by you but then you're opening the relationship and dating other men, that would be the fair thing. You want your freedom options open too so you'll have to 'downgrade' him to "friends with benefits", then go, do it and date other guys. This one is not ready to settle.

Edited
Show quote history

He maintains he does not want to to date anyone else other than me and he wants to be exclusively dating just I..
I don't want to be fwb x

OP posts:
mommyfinger · 08/02/2025 16:20

How old are his kids?

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:23

OverthinkingOlive · 08/02/2025 16:20

The divorce process will probably get ugly or draining, when it's over and he looks back on it all he'll just want to move on from that whole period of his life. If you're someone he's involved with during that time and he has added stress by trying to meet your needs too he will ultimately want to put you in the past as well. He will associate you with that time in his life. Step away. If it's meant to be he will find you again.

Yes definitely something I have considered! That would be truly awful to be discarded afterwards. But what's the solution to that other than completely breaking up? :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:23

I'm in love with him so I really don't want to to end things.

OP posts:
MinnieDelight · 08/02/2025 16:24

I think you have to be realistic that there’s a very good chance that because in his own words he’s not ready, he’ll walk away from you. I’d listen to him when he’s telling you he’s not ready, don’t minimise. Really listen to him - if you had a friend who told you their partner had said they weren’t ready for a relationship, what would you advice to them be?

You’re only 4 months in, how much time and emotional investment are you willing to commit to someone who’s not emotionally available at the minute? If you’re needing to protect your heart, in the same way he is then both of you will be holding back this isn’t going to be a fulfilling relationship for you - you’ll be second guessing if he’s going to walk away, which is no basis for building trust and connection.

stealthninjamum · 08/02/2025 16:25

I know you don’t want to hear it op but he’s having doubts and you’re going to be on edge the whole time in case he gets cold feet again. I’m sorry it could be devastating for your mental health. I would end it and tell him to
come back when the divorce is done.

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:26

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:23

I'm in love with him so I really don't want to to end things.

OK, but don't say you weren't warned....

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:27

When people are saying 'tell him to come back after his divorce ' etc is that implying zero contact into that point ? Or still talking and meeting up ?

Everyone is different in terms of how quick they fall etc but I do love him and I would be genuinely devastated to not have him in my life any more :(

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:31

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:20

He maintains he does not want to to date anyone else other than me and he wants to be exclusively dating just I..
I don't want to be fwb x

Show quote history

Him: "I want a steady partner with the benefits that come with being in a relationship (sex, love, attention, company, support etc...) , a woman who will emotionally invest in me yet I won't invest in her, introduce her as my GF or offer her any sort of future plans or commitment"

Cake, eat it too, etc...

Listen to men when they tell you who they are. It might be fun now but you might be heading for painful breakup, if you can deal with that then go for it. Life is short.

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:33

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:31

Him: "I want a steady partner with the benefits that come with being in a relationship (sex, love, attention, company, support etc...) , a woman who will emotionally invest in me yet I won't invest in her, introduce her as my GF or offer her any sort of future plans or commitment"

Cake, eat it too, etc...

Listen to men when they tell you who they are. It might be fun now but you might be heading for painful breakup, if you can deal with that then go for it. Life is short.

Edited
Show quote history

Well this is the issue..he says we are working towards a relationship and when we are officially in one then he will call me his girlfriend and meet the kids etc.
I have met his parents and siblings already.

OP posts:
ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:36

@Anon645 "he says we are working towards a relationship and when we are officially in one then he will call me his girlfriend "

what does this even mean ?🤔

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:36

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:33

Well this is the issue..he says we are working towards a relationship and when we are officially in one then he will call me his girlfriend and meet the kids etc.
I have met his parents and siblings already.

Show quote history

The fact you've been dating 4 months and haven't introduced you to his kids is actually a good sign, 4 months is too soon.

LittleGreenHouse · 08/02/2025 16:38

This sounds like it's entirely on his terms and he's keeping his options open by not committing to you fully.
If you feel that strongly for him already I think you could get very hurt here 😔

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:38

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:36

@Anon645 "he says we are working towards a relationship and when we are officially in one then he will call me his girlfriend "

what does this even mean ?🤔

It's called a "headfuck".

category12 · 08/02/2025 16:39

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:27

When people are saying 'tell him to come back after his divorce ' etc is that implying zero contact into that point ? Or still talking and meeting up ?

Everyone is different in terms of how quick they fall etc but I do love him and I would be genuinely devastated to not have him in my life any more :(

Still meeting up/being in contact will just mess with your head. He'd be free to date other people, remember.

If you split, have a break from him altogether. Don't try to do half-measures.

If you're sticking around, you might as well be all in. If it works out, great, if not, well at least you had fun. Just don't put up with a lot of hot and cold treatment or become his emotional support human.