Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

To be fair, it sounds like you're not really listening/taking on what people are telling you. You hear what you want to hear. He is saying he is not ready. Posters are telling you he's not ready.

You might enjoy him, but ultimately, he's not ready for a new relationship.

This was never going to work.
It's a thing.
Divorcing men using women as a therapist/mummy/crutch as they come out of a marriage.
A divorce buddy...someone they can use to get through it.

When they are through it they quickly ruthlessly dump the women because of the bad associations and needing to be healthy and move on.

Do not be used.
This was never going to be long term.
Sorry.

I'm a bit of a "loose woman" 😂so had I been in your shoes I would have continue seeing this guy (if he's so much fun to be around) but I would have told him that till I'm not in a committed relationship I'm going to be seeing other guys too because truth is I will only go exclusive when I'm in a safe and committed space (truth). He would have very possibly retaliated and done the same thing which is fine by me. We would have given us the space to see other people thus giving each other other opportunities and have less pressure. I would also reduce to 50% my time with him (both physical and virtual), that way you get to enjoy "both worlds" and concentrate on other people too.

Of course this is not for everyone as we are all different OP. Last time I did this method my "no strings till commitment relationship" lasted a year, I really got to know him after that time, saw the ugly parts of him, had quite a few wobbles, realised I was tired of him and he was not for me. It was great because when we broke up for good I had enough closure at that point so It didn't hurt and moved on pretty fast with someone I had met while dating this man who was good for me.

If you can't handle cutting of 50% of the time with this person and him seeing other women then this method is not for you and you've done the right thing by breaking up. It's very painful (I know) but this too shall pass, maybe get some therapy, find the needed closure and try to explore why you became so incredibly attached to a stranger you had only known for 4 months.

Because he thought he was going to be getting sex all those times but you told him sex was off the cards until he could commit. Everyone told you as soon as you did that he wouldn't be interested but you insisted that your relationship was deeper than sex and it wouldn't be an issue. Low and behold, the following day he calls it all off. Just like everyone on here said he would.

I know it's hard for you to believe because for you it felt genuine and real, but men will go to great lengths just for sex.

He's text today ' I dont want to blur the lines but I also don't want to have no contact and not speak to you anymore. I would quite like to continue speaking to you '

I hope you told him no.

Why should everything be on his terms when he's not able to give you what you want?

Ffs it's all so hard :( It's like he doesn't want to let me go despite saying he's not ready for a relationship. And clearly I don't want to let him go....
And now I'm bloody torn because he's offering to keep talking which everyone on this forum knows I am absolutely desperate to do and it's what I really want, but I don't know if it will hinder our chances of getting back together if he doesn't feel my absence.
Ffs it's so hard.

Maybe a brief chat once a week is fine, just don't meet him in person and no text drama, keep it light and simple.

Think about how easy it would be for him to ask you to be 'official' if he did want to keep you. You need to be very aware that he is not doing that, despite the risk of losing you. However he's happy to continue on his terms. Is there a reason why his terms trump your boundaries?

Trouble is she's in love with him. So will be unlikely to want to look for other men. And her heart will be even more broken when he is seeing others or moves on to a proper relationship (while ending their arrangement by text again)

I agree with you, sounds like a no strings arrangement would not work for her because she gets too attached, I'm not saying it's a bad thing we're just different. She really needs to cut this guy off for her mental sanity, unless of course she dwells on drama (some people do) she's going to get a lot with this guy.

Ah that makes a bit more sense if being a girlfriend means being one half a couple who spend time with his kids together.
its not a common definition but still.

You really aren't taking on board any of the advice given are you?? It's getting quite uncomfortable to read now.

He wants to keep you dangling so he has a booty call on tap, he wants FWB at most and knows that you are madly in love with him and desperate for any breadcrumbs he throws your way.

He's angling after a no strings attached shag "it's Valentine's Day!" He can walk away from without even taking you on a date. It's win-win for him.

If you chat to him you'll end up giving him this in the hope it means something more and it doesn't.

If he wanted to be with he would. If he wanted a relationship he wouldn't risk losing you. He's just not that into you.

Please pull yourself together, what about your kids?! You're wallowing and obsessing over this guy rather than being present for them, and from what PP said it's not the first time. Can't you see the bigger picture here??

You've known this idiot for 4 months. 16 weeks. 112 days. Your reaction is totally over the top. Let him go. Don't talk to him, don't engage with him and definitely don't see him.

He's just looking for someone to hold his hand and warm his bed while he goes through his divorce. That's all this is about. When he books a table for dinner, it's company for him while he eats. When you have sex, it's just sex.

You are worth so much more than that. So are your children. Focus on you and your children and forget about this man.

You need to get some therapy for why you think this is love. It really isn't.

You're not going to get back together. Ever. It's just not going to happen so please don't make choices based on what you think is going to give you the best chance of getting back together.

He's leading you on. Stop letting him. Be strong and tell him no then block him. Stop torturing yourself and go see a therapist.

my guy also did that, sent me some msgs to check 'if i was ok', i told him that i'm sad, but i will be ok and that messaging won't help me with moving on and i need some space to move on.
you could say you have shared your feelings with him. he knows how you feel and how vulnerable you are. he also knows that he can't give you a relationship you deserve. so i would clarify with him or say to him look, i want to be in a relationship with you and i shared my feelings with you. you texting me and staying in touch will just keep my hopes up for reconciliation. also will keep my feelings intense as i am already missing you. i think we both agree i deserve to be loved back by someone, keeping talking or meeting will keep me in this limbo.
when i broke up with someone i also wanted to keep them as a friend, but i've accepted that wasn't going to happen and had to let him go. break ups are hard, but are sometimes the right thing to do if your needs are not being met. he needs to sort his shit out

he sounds really selfish and cowardly actually

He's horny.

Nothing will change. He's not in a space to give you what you want.

You do realize that if he dropped dead today his wife would be considered next of kin. She has the legal status of wife.

That said, this

"We share literally all the same interests, likes /dislikes, political views, films/books etc. "

Girl. I bet there are tons of people around who share those same likes. Well, unless you're a semi anarchist, they're a bit scarce right now.

He's trying to keep you in your box - fuck buddy comfort aid, to be kept primed ready for the next use.

Not quite human, not quite a person in your own right.

Your need for a RELATIONSHIP doesn't match his.

If you come panting back next time he feels like a quickie, all he has to do is back off again afterwards, leaving just enough crumbs to leave you all confused because you're listening to yourself, not to what he's telling you loud and clear.

It is possible that he really likes her but is genuinely struggling with his own emotional shit. We don’t have to assume he’s a terrible person.

It is possible that he’s playing for a therapist and fuck buddy, or that he’s just lonely and looking for an easy fix.

OP please stop dealing with this relationship based on what strangers on the internet tell you to do. We don’t know you, or him, or anything significant about the situation.

What do you want to do?

If you’d like to keep talking and that’s what he wants too, you go ahead. So what if people on this thread think he’s leading you on? Make your own choices.

If you only want contact with him when it’s a full official relationship then tell him so and follow through.

Whatever you do about him, please also find other things in your life to enjoy so it’s not all so focused on romance. Do you have anyone wise and emotionally competent in real life who can help you work through these intense feelings?

I don’t really understand why people are being so dismissive of the relationship because it has only been four months. Love can come on quickly and is usually most intense early on. Rationally, the feelings you have don’t mean that he is perfect or your soulmate or anything like that, but people shouldn’t be ridiculing you for feeling that way.

It is ridiculous though to be acting like this after only 4 months. He wasn't the love of your life, the only person to understand you, blah blah, it's hardly like you were together for 4 years or 4 decades.
He only wants to carry on talking to you so he can call round for a quick shag when he feels like it, if he really liked you it wouldn't be like this.
Act like an actual adult, pull yourself together and tell him you don't want any further contact.
If you insist on carrying on talking to him I wouldn't be one bit surprised if one day he informs you he's going to stop talking to you because his new girlfriend doesn't like it. That new girlfriend will not be you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5199155-could-this-work

wait, you were seeing the ex of your ex-boyfriend's affair partner back in late October/early November, aka 3.5 months ago. Is divorced man the same guy or someone else??

This is all relevant as it shows a pattern of destructive behaviour, you seem to have a lot of short, intense relationships in a short amount of time that you have posted about online.

How old are your children, out of interest, and how involved is their dad?

This makes me think this is all a wind up. I find it hard to believe someone is as unhinged as OP seems to be over a 4 month fling.

Either she's not being honest about the time frame of dating this man or the time he's been separated from his ex. If it's the same man she's talking about in her previous post then he's obviously not been separated from his wife for 18 months. If it's a different man then she's not been seeing him as long as 4 months.

Surely that has to be the same man if you've been with the current one 4 months? I'm sorry to say this op but you aren't ready to date. I feel like some of your desperation to keep things going is actually a fear of falling back into depression. Kindly, I think you need therapy and a break from relationships

You were seeing another guy at the end of October. That's not even 4 months ago.

Are you looking for validation through romantic relationships? You seem to be making this brief relationship into so much more than it is and putting it ahead of your kids because you're exposing them to seeing you in distress. That's upsetting for kids.

Maybe you should read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and see if anything resonates that you can discuss in therapy.