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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
category12 · 13/02/2025 20:36

It's not a promise.

Just treat it as if it's over. Holding onto hope will keep you in a painful limbo.

penelopelondon · 13/02/2025 20:39

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:34

What does everyone think about his two responses to my final text ?

It's not in my hands anymore. All I can do is hope that we reconnect once he feels better, and trust him when he said 'okay" to messaging me when he feels better :(
Leaves me feeling afraid, heartbroken and very vulnerable in case he doesn't fulfil his promise to message me.

If you cut the sex, the intimacy and the full attention he will move on to
someone who will and there's nothing you can do about it. You need to let this man go. Just let him go and stop engaging. If he texts you to say "hi" every couple of months just say "hi", have a little chat too but really just stop engaging.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:44

Everyone told me to send a message cutting contact and a proportion of posters said it would be the best chance of us reconnecting and getting him back in the future...
Now everyone seems to be implying that wont happen.
I wouldn't have sent that message if that was the case :( I sent it to give us the best chance of reconnecting in the future as quite a few of you had suggested my absence would help that.

OP posts:
Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 20:45

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:33

Thankyou, sent it with tears streaming down my face . Broke my heart sending it xx

Show quote history

i felt the same, was crying for days. it's awful. I don't really get people who think you shouldn;t be feeling like this after 4 months. You thought the guy was the one, otherwise you wouldn't be with him... 4 months is enough to have an attachment and bond with someone. maybe if you see someone once a week for 2 hrs then no... but like you, i went away with the guy, saw him several times a week, we went to events, ate, slept, showered, worked from home together, did diy, shopped, like literally if i suddenly was childfree, he would jump in the car and be here to spend any time we can together and it was incredible. So it's natural you then feel like you loose a part of yourself almost. I honestly felt literally like my heart was hurting.
there are some useful podcasts and articles that helped me... you can look up forgetting fairytales blog, matthew hussey on youtube. some friends might say everything happens for a reason or right guy, wrong time, it's so bloody unhelpful. just be gentle with yourself and even it is moving slowly and having a shower, that's great... the pain does go away i promise. you'll be able to put this into perspective after a while.

How To Move On After a Breakup When You Are Still In Love

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6KkO56V_cg

Zanatdy · 13/02/2025 20:47

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:44

Everyone told me to send a message cutting contact and a proportion of posters said it would be the best chance of us reconnecting and getting him back in the future...
Now everyone seems to be implying that wont happen.
I wouldn't have sent that message if that was the case :( I sent it to give us the best chance of reconnecting in the future as quite a few of you had suggested my absence would help that.

Cutting contact is the best thing. You can’t just hang on meeting as friends hoping he will change his mind. You will feel better about this in a few weeks time, get out with friends and try and put him to the back of your mind

Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 20:48

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:34

What does everyone think about his two responses to my final text ?

It's not in my hands anymore. All I can do is hope that we reconnect once he feels better, and trust him when he said 'okay" to messaging me when he feels better :(
Leaves me feeling afraid, heartbroken and very vulnerable in case he doesn't fulfil his promise to message me.

well he is not even saying that he loves you too, i think his response is saying a lot, that you gave way more to him, that he is giving back emotionally at least.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 20:50

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:44

Everyone told me to send a message cutting contact and a proportion of posters said it would be the best chance of us reconnecting and getting him back in the future...
Now everyone seems to be implying that wont happen.
I wouldn't have sent that message if that was the case :( I sent it to give us the best chance of reconnecting in the future as quite a few of you had suggested my absence would help that.

Sorry OP but you’ve read into people’s comments things that weren’t said because that’s what you wanted to hear.

You really need to understand that you’re closing the door on this man. If he wanted a relationship with you he would have fought tooth and nail to keep you but he wanted a FWB and a distraction.

Come to terms with the fact this is closure.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:53

I'm so confused, a number of posters on earlier comments have rationalised with me that although not guaranteed the best chance I have of us being able to have something in the future is to make him feel my absence and miss me...

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 20:55

category12 · 13/02/2025 20:36

It's not a promise.

Just treat it as if it's over. Holding onto hope will keep you in a painful limbo.

This. Please focus on your kids, not chasing romantic dreams.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:56

Whilst I know im being encouraged to forget him by some posters I still love him and want to be with him as you can tell..
Please can previous posters who suggested he needs to feel my absence and the loss of me to miss me reassure me that this is still my best chance ?

I need to feel assured that him feeling my absence is the best chance of rekindling. I need the reassurance.

OP posts:
DearOwl · 13/02/2025 20:58

With love, you need to stop this now

You shouldn't make decisions based on what people in an anonymous forum think. You should make decisions based on your own self worth and how it might affect your children - who incidentally don't seem to be a priority for you at all?

You're allowed to feel sad. It stings - most of us have been there

But this hand wringing and saying you'll stay in bed and get depressed is something I wouldn't expect to see in one of my teenagers

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 20:59

He didn't make you a promise. As harsh as this sounds, he doesn't owe you anything. He's doing what he needs to do for his own well-being. Let him get on with it. You shouldn't have any expectations for a relationship with him in the future. I think he has been pretty clear that he is not working towards that. He is working towards getting over his marriage breakdown.

DearOwl · 13/02/2025 20:59

Your messages are actually so infuriating I'll have to hide the thread. Madness! Please - just STOP

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:00

Uol2022 · 13/02/2025 06:38

I’m so sorry, sounds like you really care for him. Honestly, I think many posters have been too harsh to you both. He’s been emotionally battered and is protecting himself from that. And you’ve become collateral damage, sadly. At this point I’d let him know he’s special to you and you’d be glad to reconnect in future but recognise he needs some space first, and let him to sort himself out. I hope you’re okay x

This is pretty much the exact text I sent. Do you think this is the best chance of us rekindling ?

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 21:02

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:56

Whilst I know im being encouraged to forget him by some posters I still love him and want to be with him as you can tell..
Please can previous posters who suggested he needs to feel my absence and the loss of me to miss me reassure me that this is still my best chance ?

I need to feel assured that him feeling my absence is the best chance of rekindling. I need the reassurance.

We can't give you that, no. Bluntly, this man doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be behaving like this. Wake up.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:02

Millyjanice · 13/02/2025 09:15

Nonetheless,OP, he’s telling you he’s not ready.

That means he still loves his wife/ can’t let go of her for you/ needs to spend time with his kids.

Who initiated the divorce ?

In order for him to realise your value you need to

  1. Tell him that as he’s not ready, he doesn’t meet your needs.
  2. Tell him he can contact you in 18 months if you’re still single.
  3. Stop contact with him so he gets to really miss you if he’s into you.
Otherwise you’ll be allowing him to come and go as he pleases ( have cake and eat it) and he won’t respect you for it.

Show him your worth !

You say he’s just right for you as you connect on a number of levels.
But really, if he can’t even call you his girlfriend , you are just an option ! Please see this!

Show quote history

I didn't tell him 18 months in the text...do you think that will hidner our chances of rekindling in the future ? I just told him to text me when he feels better...

OP posts:
PandaTime · 13/02/2025 21:05

You are doing yourself no favours by clinging on to the posts/posters who only support your hopes. They are just opinions. The ones saying the opposite are just as valid and just as likely to be true, if not even more likely. You are reading things in his words that are just not there.

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 21:06

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:02

I didn't tell him 18 months in the text...do you think that will hidner our chances of rekindling in the future ? I just told him to text me when he feels better...

Show quote history

You aren't listening, are you? You aren't going to 'rekindle in the future'. He has dumped you. I am starting to understand why other people were being so sharp with you earlier. I also notice that you haven't answered anyone's questions as to where your kids are, which is concerning. You don't want them to be on here in a few years, posting threads on this board because they have emotional issues caused by your flakiness. Woman up, shoulders back, move on. You shouldn't be like this after four months. You need therapy of some sort, sharpish.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:10

waterrat · 13/02/2025 11:21

god op this reminds me of past relationship I had

PLEASE do not waste time or energy letting this man think you are just sitting around waiting for him,

dont let him see your tears. honestly. I know how much you will want to plead/ promise to be there - but don't do it

He needs to think he has lost you - so he knows what that feels like.

stop thinking about whether or not he will sleep with others - value yourself!

as they saying goes - what's for you won't pass you by

this man is dangling you on a string - it's cruel. He is just giving you enough breadcrumbs off his table so you can't bring yourself to cut the rope and walk away from him.

he will do everything he can to keep you dangling.

CUT CONTACT - tell him once that you love him, you want him as a committed partner or nothing. then walk away firmly and clearly.

no cuddles, no dates, no hanging out - DO NOT let him get the 'girlfriend package' !!! without commitment.

I did send him that final message.
Do you think that will be the best chance of us rekindling ? I know you said earlier 'he needs to think he has lost you - so be knows what that feels like ?' Do you still think that's the best chance of us rekindling ?

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 13/02/2025 21:10

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:44

Everyone told me to send a message cutting contact and a proportion of posters said it would be the best chance of us reconnecting and getting him back in the future...
Now everyone seems to be implying that wont happen.
I wouldn't have sent that message if that was the case :( I sent it to give us the best chance of reconnecting in the future as quite a few of you had suggested my absence would help that.

It would be great to have a glass ball but sad truth is we have no idea what's going to happen in the future, it's not something you can control either. This man may die next week in a car accident, may find the woman of his dreams in April, you may move to another town next year, or he may call you in two years when you're enjoying a great relationship with mr right and you'll tell him to f-ck off.

You cannot know if he will reconnect with you in the future so let this go.

dorathexplorer · 13/02/2025 21:13

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:23

I sent a final message as some have recommended telling him I love and care for him and that I don't want to part but I respect that he has a lot going on and may need space and time. I told him I hope we can reconnect when everything is settled and told him to please message me if that time comes.

Broke my bloody heart sending it. :( :(

He responded back 'you are incredible, don't forget that '

He's relieved he's got out of it so easy. He's buttering you up for when he needs a bit of a boost .

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:13

LittleGreenHouse · 13/02/2025 11:39

The hardest path is often the right path. Cutting off contact -even for a specific period of time - is far far more likely to make him realise he's missing you than staying in contact when realistically I expect he'll fade out and / or meet someone else and you'll have to witness that.

If you cut contact and he goes off with someone else you know for sure he didn't feel anything like what he's been proclaiming.

I'm so sorry you're hurting x

You said 'cutting off contact...is far far more likely to make him realise he's missing you ' So you think from your post that him feeling my absence is the best chance of us rekindling?

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 21:16

I don't know if I'm heartless, but I'm baffled at the thought of being heartbroken over someone after a mere 4 months? Especially someone who very clearly didn't want a relationship.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 21:20

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 21:13

You said 'cutting off contact...is far far more likely to make him realise he's missing you ' So you think from your post that him feeling my absence is the best chance of us rekindling?

Show quote history

He doesn't love you, and he's made the decision to stop dating you - I can't even say he's made the decision to end the relationship, because he made it clear there WAS no relationship.

Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 21:21

you honestly shouldn't be pining for him. he has said to you himself that he doesn't think he would be rekindling things once the paperwork is sorted right? i would go by that and focus on myself. you have to be patient though, this is going to be hard, but you won't feel like this forever!
my guy did say he would be getting in touch and even some bullshit how i would be part of his life blah blah, none of this happened anyway.
but i thing cutting contact is good as it helps you to move on, if you stay, he will never experience any loss or be able to see if he is missing you. so either way it helps you to be work on yourself and be ok single and if there was some kind of reconnection, hopefully you will be both in a better place. but honestly just be kind to yourself, it only just happened and it really takes days if not weeks or months to start feeling better. i'd try and see friends, watch funny tv shows- amandaland anyone? eat ice cream and focus on how you can have fun regardless