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Original poster

Could this work?!

37 replies

Anon645 · 30/10/2024 19:48

Hi,
Wondering if anyone has experience of this ? My partner cheated on me last year with a lady who was married. Me and her husband found out and both of our partners left us to be together.

Myself and the man who was cheated on have started to become friendly and been on a date. He says he really likes me but his worried. He is worried about what his ex wife will say about him being with me, and similarly what my ex will say.

They share 3 children

I have found myself really liking him and really enjoyed our date and would like to continue.
Any advice or experience?

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 30/10/2024 20:17

The cheaters are not in a position to say anything.

MathsAnxiety · 30/10/2024 20:27

This happened to friends of mine.

The couple who cheated on their partners are no longer together.

The couple who got together as a result of being cheated on have now been happily married for over 20 years.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 30/10/2024 20:28

Nope! Nope and thrice nope! Not an uncommon situation, but it is not real - you are brought together by a shared experience, but it would basically be a 'trauma bond' and, as such, doomed to failure. Sorry to be so harsh, but tread carefully

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2024 20:30

Please ignore the pp

Go and enjoy yourself

Please consider driving past their house together or even walking past, laughing, holding hands - even a snog

Nothing will be worse than what has just happened to you both!

TwistedWonder · 30/10/2024 20:32

Go on more dates and see how it goes. Agree there’s no pressure to be more then friends right now and if there’s real feelings then it will evolve naturally.

Dont give a toss what the skanky cheats think - their opinion has no relevance to your future

F40ish · 30/10/2024 20:36

I know of someone this happened to. It seems a bit strange for the kids but I don’t see why you shouldn’t give it a try.

Cowboycorgi · 30/10/2024 20:40

It worked out pretty well for Shania Twain.

Farting · 30/10/2024 20:45

Exactly the same thing happened to me many many years ago. My partner was the unfaithful one.

we had great fun for a short time and then moved on.

it was good therapy and good fun though it didn’t last there were no ill feelings either way and we’d still be friendly now if our paths crossed.

fill your boots.

Original poster
Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:15

Really pleasantly surprised at all these positive comments, thankyou!

He is worried I think about me having to come into contact with my ex if he accompanies his ex for the kids etc. Think he thinks that man stole his wife away, so now he'd steal me away too (given that we used to be together ). He feels insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:15

But I do really like him!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 09:27

He is worried I think about me having to come into contact with my ex if he accompanies his ex for the kids etc. Think he thinks that man stole his wife away, so now he'd steal me away too (given that we used to be together ). He feels insecure.

I'd tread carefully with this one. Very carefully.

The positive comments previously, I agreed with but that throws a new light on it tbh.

That is a level of insecurity that he needs to deal with before embarking on a new relationship. It might be a passing insecurity that many people feel at the start of a new relationship. But, equally, it could he a warning sign of things to come.

Your ex is never going to be out of the picture as you share children with him. This could turn out very badly.

Original poster
Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:32

Sorry let me clear that up - He has 3 kids with his ex.. I don't have any kids with me ex...

But I think he is worried that when his ex comes to collect the kids she may bring her new boyfriend (my ex) and that I might see him etc.

OP posts:
HonestPayforHonestWork · 31/10/2024 09:44

Think he thinks that man stole his wife away, so now he'd steal me away too

Eh? So you’re saying he’s with you as revenge on the man who ‘stole’ his wife? If that’s the case this man views women as men’s property and you should run far, far away.

GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 09:51

Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:32

Sorry let me clear that up - He has 3 kids with his ex.. I don't have any kids with me ex...

But I think he is worried that when his ex comes to collect the kids she may bring her new boyfriend (my ex) and that I might see him etc.

OK, I misunderstood that but my point still stands.

Your ex can't 'steal' you as you're not property. If he thinks you can he stolen, that is an issue.

If he is insecure about your integrity or his own worthiness, that is also a huge problem.

Is take a step.back from his personally. I'm not saying don't, but have a few warts and all.conversations. unpick it and see what he says then.

A passing worry isn't the same as a deep set insecurity that will eat away at him and destroy you in the process.

Original poster
Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:52

No ahh sorry I'm not explaining well....basically he is worried my ex could get me back because there's history between us. And he is worried if all 4 of us happen to meet at handover of the kids that ir could be awkward /inflammatory. And I suspect he is also worried about my ex and me having something lingering between us in the air.

But I really like this person and I don't want my ex back. I want us to give it a go.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 09:56

Anon645 · 31/10/2024 09:52

No ahh sorry I'm not explaining well....basically he is worried my ex could get me back because there's history between us. And he is worried if all 4 of us happen to meet at handover of the kids that ir could be awkward /inflammatory. And I suspect he is also worried about my ex and me having something lingering between us in the air.

But I really like this person and I don't want my ex back. I want us to give it a go.

No, you explained that part perfectly.

If he is worried about you still being attracted to your ex, or there being unfinished business, or whatever then he needs to address that himself. That's nothing to do with you. He shouldn't be getting into a relationship with someone he thinks.might have residual feelings for someone else. And he shouldn't be even making you aware of it. You can't do anything about it. It's for him to sort.

If there are concerns around all four of you being together (and I can see why that might be inflammatory) then agree that you and your ex will stay away from handovers. This would be better for the children anyway as the split and new set up seems to be quite recent.

And as for your ex could get you back, this isnwhat the pp elastic when she said about men owning women. You are your own person. Your ex could only 'get you back' if you agreed to it. So he doesn't trust you.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 31/10/2024 09:59

Too much drama already - my previous comments still stand - you are heading for disaster if you proceed with this

GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 10:01

Or he's just really insecure.

You don't want to be with an insecure man. Many (most) abusers aren't evil, they are insecure and feel inadequate and seek to mitigate perceived risk by control.

I don't think a lot of them set out to be that way. But they ask little things that don't seem too intrusive to begin with but when that doesn't make them feel.better, they ramp it up and blame you that they're not feeling any better.

Like I said, tread very carefully.

GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 10:03

Basically, I don't think the fact he is who he is in this situation matters but I do think the fact he is insecure about your ex stealing you back does.

Original poster
Anon645 · 01/11/2024 17:02

He said he reallly likes me and he wants to go another date, but he can't because he can't navigate that I used to be with the man his wife left him for. He said he hasn't connected with anyone enough for a second date since his divorce . But he said I'm the exception ; he said he wanted and still deep down wants a second date with me.

But he said he feels insecure about the situaton.And said he can't get past the fact that 'he doesn't like the fact I was ever with him all' (the man/my ex his wife left him for )

I feel so upset, I've been crying. I really liked him.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/11/2024 17:56

Tbh, OP, I think that he has done you a favour. Well done to him for recognising this and not making it into your problem

I know you really like him but that's not all you need to make a relationship work. You're both vulnerable at the moment and he has recognised his vulnerability.

However, he might come back to you in a couple of days and say he's thought about it and he thinks you're worth trying for.

If he does that, your response is obviously your choice, but, as I said before, I'd proceed with caution. This does not have happily ever after written all over it at this stage and he has already told you why.

Boomer55 · 01/11/2024 18:03

It might be a minefield of conflicting emotions. I would tread very carefully.

category12 · 01/11/2024 18:14

Honestly I think you might have dodged a bullet that he has decided not to pursue it.

He doesn't sound anything like ready to move on from the affair and break-up and you don't need to experience more pain through him working through his feelings with you at the sharp end of it. You don't need to be his rebound. You deserve better.

I feel like he would mess you about something chronic. He seemed way ahead of himself - you had one date and he was already picturing you being there when he has the kids? That's not encouraging, that's kind of future-faking.

If you're both still single in another year, then maybe give it a go then.

Opentooffers · 01/11/2024 18:17

He's projecting his own feelings. He's worried your paths might cross the odd occasion you might be at his house during a DC's handover lasting minutes?Whereas, he will be seeing his ex, who he has far more ties with and more to lose, on a regular basis, for years.
Who out of the 2 of you has most opportunity and more likely to get back together with their ex ? It's clearly him. He still has a lot of feelings for his ex, that's the problem, and he's assuming you must have too for yours even though that may well not be the case.
He's clearly not over her, be careful, he's most likely on the rebound. How long ago was the split? What was the gap between that any you getting together. Go very slow with this, if at all.

Opentooffers · 01/11/2024 18:26

I see on your update he's ducking out. I think he's done you a favour. If he's the type of man who can't get over a woman having a past sex life with whoever and move on from it, then he's got issues. It's quite pathetic really. You're not hanging it over him that he used to be with his ex wife and 3 DC's with her.
Sounds like you are getting over your ex just fine, but he is nowhere near past it. Best to not chase him, he's a walking red flag.

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