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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
TagSplashMaverick · 14/02/2025 07:24

@Anon645, you have a really interesting posting history. I remember many of your threads. You’ve been infatuated with many men and have struggled to stop ‘reaching out to them’ after break ups.

One thing that worries me though, you said you were having IVF and embryo transfer in October…

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 07:24

I asked him did he think he will contact me when everything has settled down with the divorce and house sale, legal matters etc..
He said that he doesn't know how we will feel in the future but he doesn't think he will contact me to try again. Said he doesn't think it will go anywhere.

I think this is what you need to listen to OP. He is telling you he is happy to continue seeing (and having sex with you) on a casual/FWB basis. But he doesn't want a relationship even in the future.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 07:25

TagSplashMaverick · 14/02/2025 07:24

@Anon645, you have a really interesting posting history. I remember many of your threads. You’ve been infatuated with many men and have struggled to stop ‘reaching out to them’ after break ups.

One thing that worries me though, you said you were having IVF and embryo transfer in October…

Ohhhhhh 😂

namechangeGOT · 14/02/2025 07:27

Anon645 · 14/02/2025 07:19

He didn't break up with me...? I sent him the text telling him I loved and cared for him and to contact me when be feels better...
If anything it's more I broke up with him surely ? (Although I didn't want to do if, I didn't want to breakup and j don't see it as a breakup in my head, more of giving space for a while )

But yeah im confused why the odd couple of people have said he broke up with me when it was me that sent that text ?

Are you listening to anyone? Are you even listening to him? He isn't bothered. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He was happy to shag you to try to get over his wife and now you've started wanting to put down some proper roots and the bloke has run a mile. He isn't going to get back in touch with you, he isn't going to come back in a few months with flowers and chocolates proclaiming to be ready. He's going to do the same thing to someone else and making them feel confused. The minute you've wanted 'more', he's given you less. Please, maintain some dignity, realise it isn't and wasn't the love story you thought it was and move on.

Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 07:28

Uol2022 · 14/02/2025 01:00

I don’t know because I don’t know the people involved or the situation fully. I understand that you came here for advice but surely you realise that the advice then has to be filtered through your own knowledge and understanding, and your actions are ultimately your own responsibility?

But I will try to answer your question and explain my thinking a bit.

when I made the earlier post you had already said you’d broken up. It seemed you had already pushed for a relationship label and he had said no and pulled away. From that position, my feeling was and is that he needs the pressure off and that continuing to insist on bf/gf label right now would simply increase his panic. Obviously I’m guessing from limited evidence, but that is my take on it.

I was intentionally vague in my post about time scales and intentionally leaving the door open for either of you to re establish some kind of contract when it feels good to do so.

He had been clear that the label is a problem. I don’t know why, it sounds like fear of commitment and protecting himself. It seems that he attaches significant importance to the role of boyfriend and maybe is aware he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to fulfill that role. His closeness to you was sometimes making him panic and pull back, and that triggered something for you that made you also panic.

From what you’ve told us, I’m reasonably sure that continuing to push to be bf/gf would have driven him away and been painful for both of you. There was an option for you to put up with the lack of commitment / label and accept the status quo, but that would involve a serious cost for you. By the time you’d already pushed it and he’d already broken up with you I don’t see a good way to backtrack anyway, at that point yes I think the best chance for a future friendship and maybe relationship is to say okay, you’re not ready, I hear that and I love you enough to give you the space you need. From his replies it sounds as if the message you sent was well received. Ending on good terms rather than an argument is definitely a positive if you’re hoping to reconnect later.

I know it will be very painful to back away now. Be hopeful for a friendship, in time, if that helps you, but please don’t waste your real life dreaming of a big romance. If you live nearby or have friends in common your paths may cross again. If you have hobbies in common it’s likely that eventually there will be some reason for a “saw this and thought of you” type of message. You’ve agreed to back away because you were hurting each other, and you’ve both left it with positive feelings about the other. For now you do need to move on and concentrate on other things, but yes I think this way leaves the door open to start again in the future.

As a final comment, I have been the person coming out of a marriage and into a new relationship while still very messed up. It hurt my new partner much more than I realised at the time. I have also been the person waiting for another to commit, choosing to take uncomfortable risks with my own life while he made up his mind. That hurt me more than he realised. I don’t generally agree with the idea that people have to first sort themselves out alone and then they’re ready for a relationship, I think we sort ourselves out within relationship and with the support and love of others. However, if you have opposing needs and insecurities and fears it can become draining and damaging and even toxic. Then space is a positive.

I hope the two of you will reconnect, and I hope that in the meantime you are able to move your focus elsewhere and be open to other people and opportunities (not only romantic!)

Show quote history

Thankyou so much for this message, I really appreciate the kindness and not making fun of me. I sincerely agreee with you and deeply hope we reconnect in the future. It's all I want ! I'm hoping as you said that our mutual hobbies and likes might provoke a text .

I just am going to miss him so much.! I love him. Don't think jts kicked in yet properly, I think a few days from now when there's been no phone calls for a few days and no meet ups for a few days, I think that's when it will hit me the realisation of what's happening.

What happened with the relationship you got into after your marriage ended ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 07:36

TagSplashMaverick · 14/02/2025 07:24

@Anon645, you have a really interesting posting history. I remember many of your threads. You’ve been infatuated with many men and have struggled to stop ‘reaching out to them’ after break ups.

One thing that worries me though, you said you were having IVF and embryo transfer in October…

This is extremely nasty . I have absolutely not struggled to get over multiple mn at all.... there was a previous boyfriend I struggled to get over who cheated on me and had an affair over months. It was extremely difficult yes.
But that was ONE man , NOT multiple as you're suggesting.

I find it extremely nasty to bring that up. I worked hard to get over my boyfriend that had an affair. And now I've been heartbroken again by this man.

So yes I had a very difficult time getting over my previous boyfriend's affair. But don't belittle me and try imply to people that there were multiple men I have struggled with when there was only ONE

I can't believe how nasty some people are on Here.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 14/02/2025 07:44

I’ve just read your previous threads OP. Is this guy the same one who told you he was being intimate with other people, the one whose wife had an affair with your ex bf or someone else?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/02/2025 07:45

TwistedWonder · 14/02/2025 07:44

I’ve just read your previous threads OP. Is this guy the same one who told you he was being intimate with other people, the one whose wife had an affair with your ex bf or someone else?

Wouldn't surprise me 😂

Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 07:59

No... The guy I've been seeing for the past four months is completely separate from my ex boyfriend that had an affair.
That is a historic issue that is completely separate from the man I've been dating for the past four months. Please don't try to belittle me and don't try to derail this thread over my ex and his affair. It's nasty behaviour.

This thread is for the man I've been seeing and him only.
This man has nothing to do with my ex who had an affair and its entirely irrelevant bringing him up. It's just nasty.

I'm absolutely heartbroken over the man I've just stopped seeing and only want advice and support on him.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 14/02/2025 08:08

It’s not nasty to try and look at the fact you are repeating a pattern of destructive behaviour and not learning from it. You just seem to jump from one awful man to the next barely stopping for breath and that’s not healthy.

You can’t look at the way you’ve behaved with this one man in isolation when there’s clearly a self destructive pattern that needs to be addressed before you’re anywhere near in the right headspace to be dating.

You won’t take this onboard because all you want yo hear is that this man is your soulmate and he’ll come running back to you but you really need to read back through this thread, truly take the overwhelming advice that’s been given and not cherry pick what you want to hear, step away from men and get some therapy.

ReginaMolesworthy · 14/02/2025 08:09

OP, multiple posters have given you advice and support over 15 pages of posts, but you aren't listening.

I don't know what exactly it is you want from your post?? 🤔

Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:16

I'm hurting okay ?! I'm really hurting. Don't say I've haven't taken the advice- I have.... !!

I sent him that text telling him I loved him and didn't want this to happen and would miss him terribly in the meantime but to contact me when he feels better in the future. Broke my heart sending it, but regardless I did. I took everyone's advice on board and sent it. So don't say I'm not listening, I clearly have by virtue of sending that text to him

OP posts:
ReginaMolesworthy · 14/02/2025 08:18

Oh dear.

I'm sorry OP, I really am.

Lobelia123 · 14/02/2025 08:25

OP, Im really sorry you are hurting like this. When you are stuck in the heartbreak/rejection/pain cycle its all consuming. But you really need help thats beyond Mumsnets abilities. Its highly possible that you are self sabotaging and its your neediness and over involvement / obsession thats actually frightening this guy off - and rightly so. You need to go speak to someone to understand your drivers and triggers and get to a place where you are more self sufficient and less addicted to the highs and lows, dramas and traumas of intense love/limerance. Until you do, you will really struggle to have a normal and healthy relationship with anyone. You also really need to get over yourself and your immediate wants and needs and start thinking about what you are putting your children through. To be honest I started this thread firmly on your side and thinking this guy was a selfish player and now Im starting to have some sympathy for him.

Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:26

He became a massive part of my life for 4 months.
He slept here two nights a week Every single week. I've now lost that company.

We used to chat on the phone for hours on the days we didn't see each other, I've now lost that.
I've lost the physical affection of kisses and cuddles.
I've lost spending time with his family and friends.
Ive lost someone who helped me out, taking me food shopping and helping me paint my house etc.
I've lost my companion
I've lost someone to eat dinner with in those nights at home and snuggle up watch Netflix with with a coffee afterwards.
I've lost my date partner.
I've lost my 'let's explore this new city /restaurant /coffee shop on the weekend' partner.

I've lost someone who shared all my hobbies and likes /dislikes.
I've lost my initiate partner.
I've lost the future plans for the upcoming birthday and holiday.
I've lost my holiday partner (the holiday we were supposed to go on in April is clearly gone now.
I've lost someone who just got me !

I've lost someone I completely trusted !
I've lost someone I love.

I know nobody can do anything and I know some people on here will make fun and be nasty. But there are also nice people on here.

I'm just confused and hurting. As I said above we were making plans last week ti go on holiday in April. We had booked and paid for an event for our birthday in March. He rang me on Tuesday night asking which restaurant i fancied trying for this Saturday.
I am struggling with how those holiday and birthday plans we made JUST LAST WEEK are now defunct and mean nothing to him.

And I'm struggling with how he rang me on Tuesday night to plan a pretty romantic date night for this Saturday. And yet 24 yours later on the Wednesday he isn't ready for a relationship!!! Why make those dinner plans just ONE NIGHT BEFORE if you felt that way?
My head can't make sense of the sudden switch up and U turn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:30

All I want is him back , even if in the future. :(
Today will be the first day I've not spoken to him in four months.

OP posts:
Onleemoi · 14/02/2025 08:31

These threads just keep the infatuation and drama going. I’d try and do something you enjoy that has nothing to do with him or any feckless bloke. Take your kids out, meet up with friends. There’s more to life than pining for people who aren’t interested, but you’re going to need to make a conscious effort to stop the wallowing.

mambojambodothetango · 14/02/2025 08:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

mambojambodothetango · 14/02/2025 08:36

Apologies - i hadn't read the whole thread and can't see how to delete my comment.

fraughtcouture · 14/02/2025 08:37

Still no mention of your kids... if he spent so much time with you did he meet them??

To be honest it all sounds a bit delusional now, you thinking you've broken up with him and that he will come back is worrying, you seem to be spiralling.

Please reach out to friends or engage in therapy as your behaviour is not healthy at all. I'm sorry.

Acornsoup · 14/02/2025 08:39

Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:26

He became a massive part of my life for 4 months.
He slept here two nights a week Every single week. I've now lost that company.

We used to chat on the phone for hours on the days we didn't see each other, I've now lost that.
I've lost the physical affection of kisses and cuddles.
I've lost spending time with his family and friends.
Ive lost someone who helped me out, taking me food shopping and helping me paint my house etc.
I've lost my companion
I've lost someone to eat dinner with in those nights at home and snuggle up watch Netflix with with a coffee afterwards.
I've lost my date partner.
I've lost my 'let's explore this new city /restaurant /coffee shop on the weekend' partner.

I've lost someone who shared all my hobbies and likes /dislikes.
I've lost my initiate partner.
I've lost the future plans for the upcoming birthday and holiday.
I've lost my holiday partner (the holiday we were supposed to go on in April is clearly gone now.
I've lost someone who just got me !

I've lost someone I completely trusted !
I've lost someone I love.

I know nobody can do anything and I know some people on here will make fun and be nasty. But there are also nice people on here.

I'm just confused and hurting. As I said above we were making plans last week ti go on holiday in April. We had booked and paid for an event for our birthday in March. He rang me on Tuesday night asking which restaurant i fancied trying for this Saturday.
I am struggling with how those holiday and birthday plans we made JUST LAST WEEK are now defunct and mean nothing to him.

And I'm struggling with how he rang me on Tuesday night to plan a pretty romantic date night for this Saturday. And yet 24 yours later on the Wednesday he isn't ready for a relationship!!! Why make those dinner plans just ONE NIGHT BEFORE if you felt that way?
My head can't make sense of the sudden switch up and U turn.

I am really sorry OP. Most of this is absolute fantasy. You have elevated this man so much with your gaze that he doesn't recognise him self and he has run.

The things you are pinning for are your 'version' of him. What you wanted him to be. Not what he was.

The reason he was so easily able to disconnect is because he wasn't connected in the first place. I know this will seem very harsh to you. It is not an insult or a criticism in any way.

You need to be realistic with yourself. The relationship you are morning is not the same one he has stepped out of.

Please do some reading about attachment styles and try to get some perspective. The last thing you want is this to happen again if you are so badly affected after 4 months. Surely the first couple of weeks you were like strangers so realistically 3.5 months.

I really hope you can read this back in a few weeks and see that a lot of the 'harsh' comments were common sense advice.

Flowers
ExercicenformedeZ · 14/02/2025 08:40

Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:26

He became a massive part of my life for 4 months.
He slept here two nights a week Every single week. I've now lost that company.

We used to chat on the phone for hours on the days we didn't see each other, I've now lost that.
I've lost the physical affection of kisses and cuddles.
I've lost spending time with his family and friends.
Ive lost someone who helped me out, taking me food shopping and helping me paint my house etc.
I've lost my companion
I've lost someone to eat dinner with in those nights at home and snuggle up watch Netflix with with a coffee afterwards.
I've lost my date partner.
I've lost my 'let's explore this new city /restaurant /coffee shop on the weekend' partner.

I've lost someone who shared all my hobbies and likes /dislikes.
I've lost my initiate partner.
I've lost the future plans for the upcoming birthday and holiday.
I've lost my holiday partner (the holiday we were supposed to go on in April is clearly gone now.
I've lost someone who just got me !

I've lost someone I completely trusted !
I've lost someone I love.

I know nobody can do anything and I know some people on here will make fun and be nasty. But there are also nice people on here.

I'm just confused and hurting. As I said above we were making plans last week ti go on holiday in April. We had booked and paid for an event for our birthday in March. He rang me on Tuesday night asking which restaurant i fancied trying for this Saturday.
I am struggling with how those holiday and birthday plans we made JUST LAST WEEK are now defunct and mean nothing to him.

And I'm struggling with how he rang me on Tuesday night to plan a pretty romantic date night for this Saturday. And yet 24 yours later on the Wednesday he isn't ready for a relationship!!! Why make those dinner plans just ONE NIGHT BEFORE if you felt that way?
My head can't make sense of the sudden switch up and U turn.

You were with him for FOUR MONTHS. How much of this is in your head?

Pinkfemme1 · 14/02/2025 09:07

yeah, i felt the same OP. quite annoying when you think he got you so invested and made all those plans with you when he knew all along that he didn't share your feelings... ok he wasn't sure...
for him, it was comfortable, loving, you made him feel wanted and all those beautiful feelings, at a time when most people are grieving and struggling with feelings of divorce and having to make arangmements for kids, co-parenting etc. so the alternative for him would have been to face reality and experience the stress of it all... but he didn;t have to, as you were there providing fun, support and comfort. you were building a relationship and thinking about the future, he was embracing the comfort and distraction that was on offer...
it hurts as fuck, i know as i've been there
on the other hand i've been on the other side were some guys wanted a relationship with me and i didn't, and it's hard to be entirely honest 'i have an ick', 'i don't have the same feelings', it's hard to break up when someone is so nice to you and you like to companionship, but you just know or you're not sure if it's enough.... so don't pine for him, you need to at some point focus on yourself more and build yourself up, instead of pouring your heart into situations that frankly don't deserve it

Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/02/2025 09:44

Anon645 · 14/02/2025 08:16

I'm hurting okay ?! I'm really hurting. Don't say I've haven't taken the advice- I have.... !!

I sent him that text telling him I loved him and didn't want this to happen and would miss him terribly in the meantime but to contact me when he feels better in the future. Broke my heart sending it, but regardless I did. I took everyone's advice on board and sent it. So don't say I'm not listening, I clearly have by virtue of sending that text to him

That's the right thing to do. You were casually dating for a few months, you've fallen in love (or limerance, more likely), he didn't even want to be in a relationship let alone fall in love.

You're obviously hurting but I'm struggling to understand why you can't see that this is the right thing for you.

All the 'but do you random strangers on the internet think he'll come back to me?' questions are making you look a bit silly, to be honest.

TagSplashMaverick · 14/02/2025 09:52

Anon645 · 14/02/2025 07:36

This is extremely nasty . I have absolutely not struggled to get over multiple mn at all.... there was a previous boyfriend I struggled to get over who cheated on me and had an affair over months. It was extremely difficult yes.
But that was ONE man , NOT multiple as you're suggesting.

I find it extremely nasty to bring that up. I worked hard to get over my boyfriend that had an affair. And now I've been heartbroken again by this man.

So yes I had a very difficult time getting over my previous boyfriend's affair. But don't belittle me and try imply to people that there were multiple men I have struggled with when there was only ONE

I can't believe how nasty some people are on Here.

Show quote history

I categorically did not intend to me nasty. Please don’t think that. It appeared that there were three men, involving this one. I apologise if that is incorrect. What worried me was your IVF in October. Really worries me. I am concerned you’re extremely vulnerable following that.