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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

217 replies

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:15

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

OP posts:
bluesatin · 01/02/2025 23:51

Probably it's not your feeling, but my immediate thought was my OH had been damn lucky to have a woman like me to put up with him and take care of him and good luck to any other idiot who would take him on. I felt sorry for him, actually.
And I told him that.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:51

mumda · 01/02/2025 23:46

Put your brave face on and tell him to hurry up and go.
Accept it's over and grieve for the loss of your marriage.

Show quote history

But I'm dreading him going. I still love him. I can't bear to be alone. I keep trying to think of all the positives.
Then I think I won't be able to bear it when he meets someone else.

OP posts:
JulianFawcettMP · 01/02/2025 23:55

Mylovelygreendress · 01/02/2025 23:29

Are you sure there is no one else ? I have a friend who insisted it wasn’t possible there was another woman but there was not only another woman but another child .
Not trying to make you feel worse but being realistic.

No need. The OP was clear so believe her.

DeepRoseFish · 01/02/2025 23:58

Never beg him again OP.

What worked for me was a trip to my GP - lorazepam for the panic works wonders and Prozac for the depression. I was suicidal with 2 very young children.

healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 23:58

He may well meet someone else in the future but he will treat them in just the same way in the end. That helped me get through this.

You are in shock and seeing this as a disaster. You think you will have to cope with the children on your own. There's no reason why he can't help with children even if he moves out. I have a feeling that you will wake up one morning and realise this isn't a disaster you thought it would be. You may well find your child is better off for him not being there as the tension is released.

I'm so sorry for you though. I know how horrible it is. You will get through it but it will take time 💐

Endofyear · 01/02/2025 23:59

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:49

Thank you everyone. I feel so pathetic eso at begging him not to do this! I wish I could've been stronger in my reaction.

Honestly, don't beat yourself up over this - you were just reacting out of shock and fear. It doesn't matter that you begged him to stay, you've done nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

Your body is reacting to the shock and stress, it's horrible but totally normal and doesn't mean you won't be able to cope. Try and keep hydrated, lay down and rest and do some calming breathing exercises. There's lots of good stuff on the Calm App for stress, anxiety, panic and to help you sleep. Take the next few days to concentrate on taking care of yourself, don't push yourself and give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened. You are stronger then you think and you will get through this.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 02/02/2025 00:00

JulianFawcettMP · 01/02/2025 23:55

No need. The OP was clear so believe her.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for that support "JulianFawcettMp".I really appreciate it. I definitely could do without those comments from "lovelygreendress". It just adds to peoples anxieties when already in a bad way anyway and messes with your mind saying things like that.

OP posts:
Ubugly · 02/02/2025 00:00

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:51

But I'm dreading him going. I still love him. I can't bear to be alone. I keep trying to think of all the positives.
Then I think I won't be able to bear it when he meets someone else.

Show quote history

If he’s controlling the next person will also have a dogs life of being controlled and hopefully at some point you will feel worry.

you will be okay you have to be and you will be free, how controlling is he? Finishing with you is probably part of his control tbh.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 02/02/2025 00:04

bluesatin · 01/02/2025 23:51

Probably it's not your feeling, but my immediate thought was my OH had been damn lucky to have a woman like me to put up with him and take care of him and good luck to any other idiot who would take him on. I felt sorry for him, actually.
And I told him that.

Actually, it is a bit. Tbh in comparison to him, I'm a good catch. He believes he looks young for his age when in reality he doesn't but I do and I'm a much more fun person than he is.

That's really helped me. May I ask what happened in your situation?

OP posts:
ThatAgileLimeCat · 02/02/2025 00:04

He's controlling. It doesn't feel like it now, but the trash has taken itself out. This is your chance to be free and live your life the way you want to. You are worth having someone who truly loves you and wants you to be happy.

Try to think of all the things that you could never do because he would disapprove. Then, when you feel strong enough, set yourself a target to do them.

Sending a handhold to get you through the shock

Nonaynevernomore · 02/02/2025 00:06

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:49

Thank you everyone. I feel so pathetic eso at begging him not to do this! I wish I could've been stronger in my reaction.

You’re not pathetic, you’re grieving. Be kind to yourself please.

Bowies · 02/02/2025 00:06

It’s a shock OP and your body is having a physical reaction to the upset.

Try to accept the decision and focus on immediate things, first and foremost to prioritise your physical and mental health. Soups and things that are easy to make and digest to keep your strength up.

Book some counselling sessions to help you process this and ground yourself. Knowing about ducks in a row and having them are 2 different things. What type of personal and professional support network can you create?

It doesn’t feel like it now but if you can navigate this process day by day, in time you will look back and even be glad for the split. I know it seems unthinkable now. Put your faith in future you.

Meditation apps can be helpful to switch your body out of stress mode. I find this is happening for (not to) me is comforting and a growth mindset.

All the best OP.

Nat6999 · 02/02/2025 00:07

I was the one who ended the marriage, but I can still remember the fear of being completely responsible for myself & ds, nobody else to support us. We had just moved into our first home when the snow of 2010 happened, we were snowed in & both had flu, there was nobody else to look after us & I had to battle on my own as my parents couldn't get up to us because of the snow. We nearly ran out of food & I had to trudge through thigh high snow to the local shops, a 5 minute walk normally, which ended up taking an hour. It does get better, you are in control of your own destiny, you do what you want & can be completely selfish, look for things that you want to do but can't, mine was reading in bed, exh hated it & huffed & puffed until I put the light out, I could read all night if I wanted to.

ServantsGonnaServe · 02/02/2025 00:10

Have a cry, let it all out and then have a stern word with yourself: of course you will cope.

Youve gotten through the last hour haven't you? So you can get through the next. Even if that means putting the world on hold and watching a stupid TV show or going for a run so fast that all you can think about is catching your breath.

Millions of people get divorced every year and come out the other side and you will too. There will be many days that feel shit but you will smile again, you will be OK.

Take one hour at a time. Give yourself time to grieve but don't let it consume you.

Hand hold for you because you've got this.

Yoonimum · 02/02/2025 00:12

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:31

Well we've had a rough few years really but thought we'd got back on track. Lots of resentment. He's quite controlling and I've probably been to please him recently too much. In the back of my mind I know it's probably the right thing really. It's just the dread of being alone. My closest friend has really let me down recently.
I'm close to my mum but that's it really. I just don't feel very strong.
I know I can't make him be in love with me anymore.
Why am I coming across as desperate and needy?

Show quote history

'Desperate and needy' are such pejorative terms. It's normal to feel scared, anxious and alone when a LT relationship ends. If you feel this so severely you are unable to function see your GP for someone short term medication. If it is stopping you from dealing practically with the situation after the first couple of weeks get some counselling, especially if you think any previous trauma is being triggered. If your husband is quite controlling your self worth and autonomy will have been undermined - don't be too hard on yourself.

Mylovelygreendress · 02/02/2025 00:16

Ironironiron · 02/02/2025 00:00

Thank you so much for that support "JulianFawcettMp".I really appreciate it. I definitely could do without those comments from "lovelygreendress". It just adds to peoples anxieties when already in a bad way anyway and messes with your mind saying things like that.

Show quote history

I am so sorry , I didn’t mean to upset you but it’s my experience that men tend to only leave a marriage when there’s another woman .

TotalDramarama24 · 02/02/2025 00:19

There's nothing to fear from being alone. Surely it is better to be alone than with a person who has only agreed to stay because you begged them to stay and made them feel bad that you would make yourself ill by not eating if they left. Just let him go if he wants to, he is just a man.

I feel for you as it must be devastating but you said he is controlling and you have had a hard few years so hopefully this will be a blessing in disguise and you just can't see it yet.

peachgreen · 02/02/2025 00:24

Not entirely the same situation but when my DH died young I thought I couldn’t possibly on, I couldn’t see a future and I could only imagine making it through to a time where people would leave me along long enough that I could end my life. Here I am four years later, happy, content, and stronger than ever. Humans are remarkably resilient. Not only can and will you get through this, you can find happiness in the wake of the pain.

QuickPearlKoala · 02/02/2025 00:25

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:15

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

Hey lovely

I am so so sorry you’re going through this. I promise you, when you look back at this time you will honestly be so grateful that this happened. But right now it won’t feel like it.

I was where you are 3 years ago.. although I did end the relationship myself but ultimately was in a rubbish marriage. I have three young children one with a disability.

I am the same as you and lose a lot of weight when stressed and am only small as it is.

Take each day, and before you know it you’ll look back and realise that the next day is still sad but not as bad as the day before

Ultimately, you do not want to be with a man that doesn’t want you

you can do this and you will!! You really will I promise.

I’m now in a very loving relationship and pretty sure we will be engaged this year

I would quickly establish a routine with the kids, when he is having them etc. join a gym, listen to podcasts, listen to lalalala let me explain pod cast the one on heartbreak is very good.. join a Church if you can 🙂 x

Emma6cat · 02/02/2025 00:36

Most of us have been here OP. He is probably doing you a favour, but you can no way see this atm. You are in shock and scared. Its a horrible feeling, I lost so much weight when my relationship ended. You WILL survive this, maybe a trip to drs to get some medication to help with the panicking and anxiety, and someone to talk too, even if its just on mumsnet.

Yarrrrr · 02/02/2025 00:39

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CleanShirt · 02/02/2025 00:42

I really feel for you @Ironironiron. My exh abandoned me out of the blue just over a year ago in similar circumstances.

Unfortunately there was another woman - PP's aren't being unkind, it's just a possibility (my exh swore blind there wasn't).

Be very kind to yourself in these early days. Things will get better, you've just got to go through the rollercoaster to get there.

I highly recommend the book Runaway Husbands, it helped me a lot in the early days.

Sending you love x

itsobviousright · 02/02/2025 00:44

OP, ignore the posters obviously just wanting to stick the knife in

Its horrible. I feel for you. You will be ok. Let him go. Ask him what his plans are for leaving, and how he envisages co parenting working between you. Take back the control. I'm in a similar but different boat, and am having to work hard on controlling what I can control, and not letting the rest get to me

Original poster
Ironironiron · 02/02/2025 00:46

This reply has been deleted

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That's such a nasty post and why some women don't like to post on here. I didn't say I was dainty. I'm just saying I'm not big ( and can't really afford to lose any weight as I'm the absolute correct weight for my height having lost it through a recent virus anyway).
From others have said it's quite normal to feel like thus.
Good for you if you're as hard as nails and stone cold with it.

OP posts:
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