DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

I could have written your post 7 months ago. 15 years, 3 kids, over. He simply woke up and said this life wasn’t for him anymore, he wasn’t in love with me and couldn’t spend another second with me, the awful things he said still make me wince if I allow myself to think about it. The pain was utterly unbearable, words cannot even explain the dark place I was in. I begged and pleaded with him to stay, and now I see I was just so desperate for him to love and want me because I needed his approval. Our whole marriage was based on his needs and I did everything I could to fulfil them, the rejection was what hurt me the most. I was addicted to trying to please him. I couldn’t imagine being alone, but now I see I was alone our entire marriage.

Take each hour at a time, then eventually every day, then every week. It does get better. I lost 4 stone from the pain/not eating. thankfully now up 2 stone and a healthy weight for my height. I changed my hair colour, started looking after myself from the inside out. He hates it, even though he has already moved in with another woman. I can honestly say now I can see, this will be the best thing that ever happened to me and our children. He’s been a very poor father since, the novelty of pretending to be super dad wore off around 3 months after and he now sees them as little as he can get away with. New woman met the kids when they had been dating around 2 weeks, it felt like my world had ended- but it didn’t, I’m still here, still alive and kicking and so will you be.

Time is the best healer in the world. The best advice I can give is do not give him the satisfaction of seeing your pain. The minute I accepted it was over and stopped reacting, begging and trying to talk to him, his whole attitude changed. It won’t be long until you look at him and see who he really is. I never thought this day would come for me either.

hang in there xx

Hand holds OP.

It doesn't matter if there is someone else, he doesn't want to be with you and that it.

Feel all the pain now, avoiding it will make it last for a longer period of time.

You can do this :)

Dear @Ironironiron big hugs. So many lovely ladies have been in your place and have come out the other side stronger and happier.

i was where you are 2 years ago. I also begged and at one point threw myself onto ex h begging him in very undignified snotty tears whilst wearing an old nightie!! I can laugh about it now but at the time I was a mess. As you can see from my username I now don’t want him back.

i think we all fear change and react to that fear. Take it easy on yourself, forgive yourself for begging you are very normal. I used to say to myself just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know it sounds silly but I used to make my bed each morning before I went to work as I heard d on the radio an army chap years ago say if you are struggling the one thing he would advise is make your bed each morning. Strangely it did help. I also had the mantra ‘courage mon brave’which I said to myself each morning.

oh and also anti depressants helped me but that’s one for you to decide. Do see your doctor though and get whatever support you can in real life if you can and when you are ready.

Look after yourself my lovely it is his loss.

💐💐💐💐💐

Can I ask you how his attitude changed please?

@Ironironiron

Others have given you great advice and such lovely, sincere and thoughtful messages.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine the pain and shock you're feeling.

Don't be ashamed that you begged him to stay. He has been a big part of your life for a long time, and at the moment you can't imagine a life without him. That's totally understandable.

As unlikely as it feels right now, you will get through this. Take one day at a time and try to keep busy. Everything you're feeling will gradually fade away until you barely notice it anymore, and your heart will heal.

Sending you a big hug, lovely lady xxx

I dislike this type of comment. When I came on for advice about how to help my DiL when the marriage broke up, I was inundated with this type of comment. Some are so insistent. They were proved wrong. Sending love to you op at this terrible time.

You will get through this, and it's horrific now but you'll feel stronger each day. This is an opportunity for you to be the person you really are, not the person you've had to become to keep him happy. Do the things that make you happy.

You might also find Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?' really helpful - I found it an eye opener. I left exH 15 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

You sound so lovely @Ironironiron . Take care of yourself through the shock. Take it one day at a time. Look after your health and you will get through this. Spring 2026 will be happier than this spring and Spring 2027 may be your best one yet.

What you're going through is really tough. Take some time to process and accept. Sometimes people think the grass is greener, then they realise it's not, and for some people leaving is the best thing. Whatever it is, he has been honest, hurtful yes, but honest instead of cheating etc.

You will eventually start to feel better, but you need some time.

Thank you. I hope it will like that.
Still awake! But why are you? Or are u up early?

What's the point of your twatty post? It doesn't help OP and it doesn't impress anyone else.

I'm so sorry OP. Lots of good advice already - I second what the lovely commentator said about treating yourself as you would a dear friend who was in this situation. You will get through this but you have a long grieving process ahead.

I am a big believer in the power of nature in these situations. Not just fresh air - although that is part of it - but can you go somewhere with water or greenery for a bit today? Obviously no idea where you are, but there's a wetlands near me and going there just somehow soothes me, and helps me get myself together.

I'm in my 60s and don't sleep as much as I used to.

Why are you so worried about being alone?
There are far worse situations to be in.

Oh I see. Do you feel tired though or do you manage on what sleep you do have?

I know but I don't want to be without him.

Sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible experience.
Do you work? If not, you need to think about a job. It will be a good distraction & help you meet new people.

Stay strong.

OP you will be fine.
I am 10 years on from a similar situation. In my case he didn’t even really want the other woman. He literally said he ‘deserved some fun’.
I did a bit of the hysterical bonding. Not because I really wanted him but because it felt like such a waste. So disruptive for the children. I knew I could put up with him and manage him because I had been doing it for years.
I recognise one point you made. That I actually always felt he had done well to get me. I was good looking, funny, kind, an excellent mother. I facilitated all our family events and did 90% of the planning as well as being better than him at work. (Worked in same organisation and I am now his manager’s manager).
I guess I didn’t make him feel like a man. I even tried a bit of surrendered wife for a while when I recognised that. How embarrassing!

Anyway. I am now very happily single. Our adult children all chose to live with me. He had a few girlfriends then became very ill and is now disabled and alone.

We are friends on the surface and I do help him a lot because it takes the stress off the children. They have very little respect for him though.

I genuinely love being single. I am happy with friends and family and being true to myself. Oh and I did lose a lot of weight when I was going through this but it was OK because I was fat so those nasty posters can do one. 👍🏼

That made me laugh about the nasty posters needing to do one!
I'm glad you've cone through it so strongly. You've come out of it better than him.

You need some motivational music..

You will get through this..you are a strong, powerful woman. You might not feel this at the moment, because it's so raw and painful but in a few months time or even a year. You will look back and wonder how you did it. How did I lift myself off the ground and keep going. And you will do it, you are amazing, beautiful, worthy of love and respect, you are resourceful, capable and powerful.

You've got this. Cry by all means, hurt and howl, let it all out. Feel the pain and grieve, it will get better, slowly.

But start taking care of you, doing little things that mean you are a priority and self care is not a luxury but essential.

Thank you for your kind words.That brought tears to my eyes. I can't seem to cry properly now. I can't listen to the tunes now as I'll properly start but I really appreciate the thought.

OP, seriously, you will be ok!

My marriage ended 2 weeks after my dad died and 4 months after we'd had to go nc with my mother (serious issues, which had briefly involved the police and SS).

I had absolutely no one. No friends, no family, no job. Nothing... and it was right before Christmas too!

I floundered, as you are, and then decided that I had a choice. I remembered the line in the Shawshank Redemption that you can get busy living or get busy dying. So I decided to make the following year the best I could possibly have. I got a new job, made some friends, started saying yes to things, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and I can honestly say that year was the best I'd probably ever had. And it didn't involve meeting a new man either.

The key is deciding what you want your new life to look like and making it happen.

You can do it.

Good for you OP getting back at the nasty post! I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve going through but this shows you can find anger and energy! When you feel ready channel some of that towards him and planning a great future.

💐

Sending you so much love and the biggest handhold. I’m going through something similar. My physical reaction was my whole body trembled from top to toe for hours. Then I spent a week off work, crying, not eating, just pacing the house all day. I had so much nervous energy.

Part of me feels relieved that he was brave enough to do it and the anxiety I’ve been living with as a result of knowing we weren’t right and carrying on regardless is fading every day. I know I’ll be happier in time.

Baby steps. You’ve had a huge shock. You said yourself you know it’s the right thing. In time your physical and emotional responses will die down and you will feel like you have accepted what you knew needed to happen. Feel those feelings so you can process them. Take time off if you work to do so if you work. This a life changing time and you need to look after number one.

I am really sorry this is happening to you but I think as I read more of your updates, in the long term you will be better off.
Right now you are in shock and you love him so you are thinking ahead and don’t want to see him with anyone else. This is called catastrosizing and you don’t need to have these emotions right now on top of your pain.
The thing that jumps out at me is how you have to agree with him to pacify him and no doubt did this for sake of dcs as well as yourself. My ExH was like this so you may have found yourself walking on egg shells or suppressing yourself.
Not now but as time goes on you may find it a blesdong he’s gone but I know just now it hurts like hell.
Make sure when he does move out you plan for him at least to have dc eow so you can have a life! He doesn’t get to discrete everything.
Hope you feel a bit better today. Water, tiny bits of banana, dry crackers. Put your hand on your stomach and feel your breathing and try slow it down. It will be ok x