DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

@Ironironiron i know we’ve spoken on my thread but just found yours. Wow everything you have said resonates with me. I promise you will be ok but I’m sorry to say that it is time that is the healer and it cannot be sped up. You have to go through every day and slowly you will start to feel better. You have got this x

Awww. Thank you. I don't feel that way at all now as you've no doubt been here. It's this limbo part and I keep running over things in my head.

The first few months I still thought it was a big nightmare and he’d come back and say it was all a big mistake. It take a while to accept such a life changing event x

Sorry you're going through this too. Yes the shaking. 😟

Oh OP, I'm really sorry you are in this situation and I can't feel how desperate you are feeling.

What really jumps out from your threads is that you say things used to be different, and that you used to feel so independent before you met him. It sounds like he has really ground you down over the years and robbed you of your self esteem, perhaps even more than you recognise.

Your deep terror of being along isn't normal or healthy. Please don't think I'm saying that to criticise you, I'm absolutely not! I'm saying that something sounds really wrong and from what you've hinted at and the mention of coercive control, it's him that has done this to you. I think once you are through the awful fog of the immediate weeks and months you will feel much, much stronger than you have done in years.

Thank you. I think there's a lot of people afraid of being alone . That's why there are so many desperate women having affairs with married men and clinging onto them for dear life. Also as soon as a man becomes available they'll hook up with them no matter what they're like.

You will be okay - keep holding onto that. He is controlling, and has also put you through this before? Google Chump Lady, don't do the pick me dance btw. He needs to go asap.

I think it’s ok not to want to be alone. People like the aspects of a relationship that are good like the companionship, partnership and the affection. It’s ok to embrace this all as long as the price being paid in a relationship isn’t being coerced or treated badly. It’s ok not to want to be alone - I have seen so many threads in here where women don’t want to be alone. I have a partner of 5 years since my divorce, there are some good men out there ( as well as utterly shitty ones). You just need to think about here and now @Ironironiron how you will get through today. I know today is going to be tough so please do not agree anything important re house / kids / finances. He’s months ahead of you and prepared mentally and may have got legal advice . Make sure you get a solicitor to fight your corner x

Don't feel pathetic, he was with you for many years, your reaction was natural and normal so please stop shaming yourself for that but definitely don't beg anymore.
I can recommend readybrek as a good food right now because it slides down easily and at least it's something in your stomach.
Sending you a big hug, I know your pain and anxiety so well, I've been there, and I lived to tell the tale, you will too. ❤️

Sending you a hug. You are currently in shock. Keep yourself hydrated with water and warm herbal teas, and maybe some dry crackers. Try to get out for a country walk for some fresh air. All the signs of Spring should help to lift your spirits.
You won’t be able to see it now, but this man is no prize. It sounds like over the years he has done a total number on you and stripped you of you! If you really sat and thought about it, how does he really enrich your life?
Let him go. Then start to build the life you truly deserve, and with peace.
i wish you well OP

Why am I coming across as desperate and needy?

You've just had the news OP, most people go through these emotions initially it’s very normal. Let them wash over you.

Same with the lack of appetite. Make sure you’re strengthening yourself with some food when you can. Or put a spoon of sugar in your tea. You got this

Not wanting to be alone isn't strange or indicative of anything being "wrong", it's a natural reaction after being in a partnership & family for many years.

You will get through this but, as others have said, it takes time.

I would say you need to harden your heart a bit too because he is a few steps ahead of you & may decide to date or find someone else fairly quickly.

That is a real tough sucker punch if it happens so do mentally prepare yourself for it and in later discussions (not today) do set out boundaries for this situation regarding children meeting new partners etc that you both agree on.

I say this because I was shocked how quickly my exH dated & plunged into a new relationship but I realised he was way more prepared for it. And we hadn't discussed how new partners would work with the kids etc so it was a bit messy at first.

Surround yourself with family & friends you trust & find people irl to offload to. Don't ever offload to your kids.

Good luck! It's tough & painful but you will get through it x

Some people have abandonment issues stemming from childhood or other trauma....there could be a whole host of reasons. Separation anxiety is a thing too....It's debilitating.

Oh, this sounds so rough for you. So sorry that you’re feeling physically ill from it.

Are you sure there’s not another woman?

Can you link to the Budgie thread please! I've been trying to remember it and would like to catch up.
Sorry OP not trying to derail your thread.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Please know that you are not pathetic and needy for wanting to keep the relationship, it is a very natural reaction. Keep reminding yourself every day of how worthy you are, of all your qualities and beautiful traits. Him leaving is a reflection of how he feels and who he is, not a reflection of you and your worth.

In terms of eating, would having sips of smoothies now and again help? Make them as tasty and light/liquid as you can manage and just have a few sips throughout the day, so you still get some nutrients and maybe you won't be throwing up as much as with solids. Try and take some good vitamins too, hopefully they'll stay down and that's also sth your body can rely on until your stomach (and head) settle a bit.

I had lunch this week with the school mums. 20 years since we all met. Six of us still tight.

Two of them have husbands that are away a lot for work a week, month, sometimes longer abroad. It was hard with small children but at times less work. One has a husband whose hobby takes him to far flung places a few times a year.

These days these women holiday abroad with mum's, sisters, friends. They're stronger for having been more independent.

We all agreed that it's kinda nice when they're missing because the world revolves around them.

I've known a fair few widows in my time who've blossomed after the initial grief.

We are the stronger sex @Ironironiron remember that.

'There's definitely no one else.'

When someone splits up with you the person you knew them as has gone and anything is possible including there being g someone else!

Rarely do people in long relationships just split up, they usually are jumping ship and there is someone else already lines up.

Make a GP appointment on Monday, and get prescribed something to help with the panic attack. Can just be for short term when needed.

Ask about therapy options to build your confidence in yourself and spending time alone.

Yup - sadly, I agree with this.

This is really, really not helpful. She knows her DH better than randoms on the internet and believes him when he says the feelings of love have gone and he wants out. What’s ‘usual’ isn’t always the case and sometimes what’s in front of you is all there is.

Every bloody time 🙄

You do know people can end their marriage just because they want too, plain and simple

Not on MN. Someone posting like OP is always fair game for the vultures to circle and pick OP’s bones by projecting their own experience - or worse still, trying to present statistics as a universal truth. Sometimes, what’s in front of you is all there is.

Hello. Just wanted to say, I visited my friend last night. She’s 50. She left her husband 2 years ago next week after 18 years. He was disregarding her in many ways. She was brave to kick him out as it also meant she would be more alone especially with teenage children always out and about. She found it scary AT FIRST and missed him a lot for the first year.

Cut to two years down the line and she has redecorated the house to her taste and has amazing feminine energy in there now. Last night I said how gorgeous her home feels especially now he’s moved all of his stuff out. She said it’s taken her a while but absolutely loves her own space and doesn’t feel the need to seek another man at the moment. She’s not sure she’d be happy to relinquish her peace. She has started new hobbies and changed her job slightly. I didn’t know she had so much strength within her.

I reminded her of how far she has come while we sat on the sofa last night drinking Madeira wine 🍷 🍷- we clinked our glasses and smiled! She’s very happy to have found her strength.

You feel like it’s ending but this is your beginning! 🌱

Your reaction is normal and natural. You've had a horrendous shock. But tell yourself that having zero desire to cope with a traumatic situation is not the same as being able to cope with it. You can and will.

Don't let him manipulate you while you're down, into shouldering all the responsibility.
He needs to tell and comfort the DC. He needs to explain to them where he will live and where they can sleep when they stay with him. If he has fallen for someone else he needs to not only tell them but also prive through his actions that his love for yhem hasn't changed.

He needs to reassure them their lifestyle won't suddenly drop just because he's in the mood for a change and wasting family income on colossal flat rental when they need the money for shoes or coats or a school trip.

He needs to understand that he can't dictate that your life and the children's lives need to bend to accommodate his desires. He needs to understand you all have equal say, and you as fellow responsible adult have equal right to live the life you choose and he needs to accommodate you just as much as you do him.