DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

Still doesn’t mean it’s true, and OP’s posts don’t support it. They’ve been working through a rough patch and she’s admitted he’s probably made the right decision. Sometimes things just end.

That isn't true. It may be your experience, but your experience isn't universal.

OP, I am so sorry for what your STBX is putting you through. Your ill feelings now are a trauma response. Not just the trauma of the break up, but the trauma of living in a controlling marriage. It won't be today, it won't be tomorrow, it may not even be next month, but someday, you are going to wake up and feel that a massive load has been lifted from you. As another poster said, the trash is taking itself out. Just make sure that you get a good lawyer and don't let him weasel out of his financial obligations to your DC

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this emotional and upsetting time. When you are feeling a little calmer, and before agreeing to anything with your husband, here is some information from Citizens Advice England which will help you see the way forward. If you are not in England google CA + your area. Sending a handhold. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

You can do it op. Sending you a huge hug. Focus on your breathing. Sign up for a yoga class today and start it asap - it sounds small but breathing and focussing on your breathing will help you pass through these moments. There will be a better life for you after this. Start dreaming - what do you want - what’s your absolute ideal life look like? Start thinking about that and aim to slowly build yourself a life you love. You deserve better than him and he sounds like a shit partner … I think you are better off without him. Xxx

Hi op,I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank goodness for the wonderful women on mumsnet.

loads of good advice already. When i went through this the GP gave me beta blockers and they were very helpful with all the physical symptoms… they are easier to take with less side effects than anti depressants which can make things worse before better… so they might be a good start.

also some good advice from a friend was don’t think about the future, being alone , projecting that you won’t cope etc , the future takes care of itself. Just think about the now… you are surviving in the moment… you will be ok!!!

and whenever there was a decision to make I said to myself what would a good mother do at this point… that really helped … I.e a good mother would put her efforts into getting herself well so she could look after the kids rather than putting efforts into persuading a shit man to stay

courage to you xx

Your body has gone into shock because you have become so reliant on him in terms of the fact that he dominates your thoughts and opinions. Like you have said, he doesn’t allow you to think.
It is like leaving a prison cell and the door opens and you don’t want to leave - you would rather stay and be told what to do because it has become all you know.
You deserve better and you will get better.
Have seen a friend go through this, literally with a new baby in her arms and she felt like you.
Over time her husband had dominated her. She was such a bubbly person and then he started choosing her clothes. His family thought she wasn’t good enough. He told her when they were company to lie about her job - she is a brilliant beauty therapist and he said it was not a real job.
It did take time but it passed. He battled her over every detail, but when she got through it she thrived.
She is now remarried with two more beautiful children and her husband is just fabulous. She’s back to wearing glamorous clothes and her business is doing so well. She is herself again - bubbly and confident.
Her ex is back living with his dad after walking out in yer another partner. He is becoming a very bitter old man.
You will get through this and when you can start making your own choices, and can enjoy being you, you will realise that this is the best thing that could ever happened.
Doesn’t feel like it now, but your body is scared because it’s been controlled. The future will be full of freedom from that, and you will recover.

It’s so hard. Great advice from PP about taking it an hour at a time right now and wrapping yourself in cotton wool, drink water, munch on healthy snacks if you can’t face a full meal, don’t worry if you can’t sleep.

But in the long-run, looks like he hasn’t been making your life happier compared to if you were alone. It sounds like he’s been limiting your life. But you can expand it again.

I’ve always hated being alone. What’s helped me is being my own best friend. And routine (daily, weekly, monthly). Get up and make yourself a coffee in bed (as a loving DP might), treat yourself to a lovely healthy lunch, either out somewhere with a good book, or at home (as a loving DP might). You get my drift. Book yourself in for a monthly treatment. Plan one lovely day out or weekend away with DC or friends per season (Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter). Imagine you are the partner you’re planning and doing special things for.

Make as many friends as you can, not online but IRL, e.g. via local clubs, like book clubs or walking groups, evening classes, volunteering or whatever you’re interested in. A lot of people you meet will be a pain in the arse or not your type. But even if you meet just one or two people you get on with, your social circle starts to expand. And they’re people who didn’t know you with your ex.

Reconnect with old friends you haven’t seen for years. They’re often keen to be friends again, even if they have a DP. They often want to carve out their own life too, once DC are older. You have a shared history. Plan little things with friends to look forward to: meeting for lunch and/or a nice walk, trips to the cinema, music gigs etc.

Face the things you thought you couldn’t do alone: dealing with DC, life admin, sorting the car, DIY. It’s daunting, but when you face it and do it and it all works out, it builds your confidence. Ask people who can offer help and advice. Lots of people are really happy to help. The guy who ran my local hardware store gave me so much great DIY advice.

If you don’t have a radio in your kitchen, I really recommend it. It gives you instant company, even when waiting for the kettle to boil, and is a distraction to your thoughts. Radio 5 Live is good if you’re at home in the day. Or 6 Music.

If money’s tight, take pleasure in little things: treating yourself to nice tea and coffee, a more expensive bottle of wine once a week or month, a lovely shower gel that makes you feel like you’re in a posh spa, planting pots of herbs or flowers, a regular walk round the neighbourhood where you notice the seasons change each time.

You can do this. And you’ll come out the other end with much more confidence and a whole new chapter of your life to look forward to. Like a butterfly from a chrysalis.

The sooner he leaves the better then OP! Are you sure this isn’t another control tactic?
To make sure it isn’t I’d talk to him today. Say ok you had planned to tell me this weekend , so what plans have you made to leave and when ?
If you have dependents ask what his plans are for raising them . The financials and the caring for them .
Do as another poster said . Cold glass of water focus on breathing .
Is there anywhere you can head out a decent walk clear your head .
Hopefully you be calmer to have the conversation with him about when he leaves. Don’t let him drag this out .
For your sake rip the plaster off and the sooner he is gone the sooner you can work on your new life and healing.

In love, there is always one who loves and the other who allows to love them. It does not mean that the roles are not swappable. But in this case he does not even allow you to love him. Then the only way out is to leave him, and at the same time whip up your anger towards him, anger is a wonderful thing, it stops you feeling miserable. Keep telling yourself that he rejected you, thought you were unworthy of his love - soon your human dignity will take over and you will feel nothing but anger, and then, indifference towards him. You mentioned the word 'resentment' - develop the theme - keep telling yourself why he felt resentment towards you - and enunciate to yourself these thoughts - he thought I was (fill in), he thinks I am (fill in) and believe me, soon your anger will cure you, you will be thinking 'this piece of shit is thinking what about me?' Did you have a church wedding? If yes, he is a vow breaker, a traitor, that is what he is. Factor that in. Better feel anger than feel miserable. A good thought - 1 or 2 or 3 or whatever years later you will feel so embarrassed you shed even 1 tear for him, that you will shudder. Start with the anger therapy!!!!

One thing that jumps out at me in your posts is that you sound highly emotionally intelligent- really self aware and that even though you’re in a bit of a fog at the moment, probably from years of being gaslit and bullied, I actually think you’re a strong person and you’ll get through this a lot easier than you think.

You will look back on this one day and realise he has done you a favour because I think you’ll be much happier long term without him.

Imagine still being with him in your retirement years? A life wasted. At least now it sounds like you can create a peaceful life for yourself and your children free of his bullying.

This is really great advice.
it really is easier being on your own than being worried, doubting, walking on eggshells of feeling insecure about someone else’s feelings. You are a special person and you deserve to be the star in your own life!!! Treat yourself well. Hold your head up, follow all the wonderful advice on here. Sending you lots of love @Ironironiron xx

One thing I would like to add is not to dwell too much on what he has said about you or how you feel your behaviour has been. When someone decides to leave they have to have " valid" reasons in their mind and of course it has to be about their partner. They will blame you ( it couldn't be themselves at all 🙄) My husband made me feel as if I was the biggest bitch in the world and frankly told lies about what I did and didn't do. They have viewed ordinary everyday things as reasons as to why it is not working. It is all to validate their desire to leave. This announcement is then delivered and you are left feeling like a piece of shit. Don't dwell on this too much .
It is also normal to be fearful of living on your own. I don't agree with the poster who criticised this. You are just dismantling the life you have had and can't see the next one yet.
One day I was going a body combat class and the instructor to spur us on 😂 shouted " Turn the page - there's always another chapter" and she was right! I am now 8 years into my new chapter and loving it .

Let it sink in for the next few days . Stop sleeping in the same bed . Get him in to go to spare room / sofa .
Ask him has he made arrangements to move out .
I know this goes against everything you want , but he has said he doesn't love you and wants to separate .
Whilst he is still there and living both your ' normal life ' it's being cruel to you and your feelings .
He wants to separate , then he goes away and does so .
You need to have time to grieve and find your new normal .

Just reading your posts, you already sound so much stronger than when you first posted. You are going to be absolutely fine. In fact you're going to feel so much better once you're on your own. Coercive control is toxic, and the constant 'will he, won't he leave?' dance absolutely destroys your nervous system. (Look up trauma bond) Which is why you have the incredibly strong physical response.

I've been there with the begging and shaking and not eating. It's horrible but it will pass.

Try and imagine how peaceful your life is going to be when you no longer have to worry about whether the relationship is going to work or not, when you can just focus on yourself and your kids and what you want. Drink hot sweet tea, spend time in nature, keep your body moving. You will get through this, and you are going to find strength you never knew you had. Sending lots of love.

@Ironironiron Please don't agree to any financials until you've had legal advice as you're not angry yet. This is a perfect time for him to take advantage. Good luck.

You can't change how another person feels, sad, but true.
They can't change the way they feel.
They can change the way they act.
If your husband doesn't want to act like he's your husband you can't really do anything except plan your own life.

Make decisions to suit yourself and how you will best parent your DC. It's tough and terrible to lose your life as you know it.

It’s devastating for you at the moment, but you will come through this, it just takes time unfortunately.

Bear in mind that often, after a few years have passed, men and women that leave, often try to come back, but you’ll be a completely new woman by then.

And btw, from now on, do not beg him to stay. It won’t make any difference and it won’t stop him. He might even enjoy it.

The point is, let him feel a bit unnerved that you’re already beginning to come to terms with it. He will not like it one bit. Let him be knocked off his stride. It’s reverse psychology.

It's shock. Your feelings about being on your own are just founded in habit. A relationship with resentment is just misery, you are certainly better off on your own than living like that.

The shock will wear off and you'll find that you adjust. You are a capable, adult woman, you'll be fine - no better than fine, you'll be happy and free without this man.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Do try EFT tapping, it really helps.

Betablockers

I find it helps me to get angry. Not to shout or anything but to think to myself how dare he treat me like this. Then remember how lovely you are and how you deserve better. If you can get into that mode I find I get an inner strength. Look at the positives. Try to view this as a beginning not an end. I've been there and I'm so much happier now but I had to use my strength to get through. He'd treated me badly so I wasn't going to let myself feel sad because I knew I deserved someone who loves me. I'm lucky I have that now but I do remember the fear. By the end of this year you'll be in a whole different mindset. Things happen for a reason. Good luck x

I'm so sorry Op.

You have to know and believe that it will be ok and that you will be ok.

This isn't what you want right now. You're in shock and afraid of the upheaval and unknown.

You have to have your own back, you can get through this.

@Ironironiron You say he was controlling. Being left by someone who controls you is so hard, and can make you feel so lost.
Don't rush healing, get all the support you can so that you can process the emotions. Right now existing could feel exhausting.

You have a mountain to climb but first you need to get strong and heal.

When you feel strong enough build a life you could never dream of right now.

I guarantee you will look back and think this was a blessing but there is no quick route there.

Be gentle with yourself.

Don't underestimate the stress and pressure that trying to make it work and to please him has put you under.

It doesn't feel like it now because you are in stage one of the process but once you get past this, you may be surprised how much lighter you feel.

While there isn't necessarily another woman, I wouldn't rule out him having had his head turned. I'm not saying this to be nasty, just that men follow a very regular pattern and it will be much worse if it blindsides you.

Men rarely leave without something to go to even if that something is a fantasy life with someone they've been flirting with.

So sorry you are having to go through this, the start of a long difficult journey.
Even though things have not been good for some time it is still a shock when the end comes.
Take one day at a time, make sure you eat something as you don't want to lose too much weight on the divorce diet.
The grass is not always greener he may discover, meanwhile you will eventually go on to live your best life.