DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

@Ironironiron i promise you won’t be alone forever! Too early to contemplate you will want or meet anyone else but take your time to process it all. Use this thread for support to get you through this difficult time. It will get better but not right now but remember it isn’t a permanent state of mind. You will heal, but seriously ask him to give you space. You need to be able to have a good bloody cry and not keep it in,

His problem for now .. he can go to a b&b and realise the reality of splitting up!

Sorry I am being so militant, am a bit upset for you tbh

Thank you. I understand where you're coming from but we haven't told dcs yet and I'm roo soft to make him leave yet.

He has nowhere to go? His mum’s? Hotel? Rent somewhere? Friends? I don’t really understand this - people always find somewhere to go.

He sounds all over the place which must be so hard for you. I won’t suggest other woman given you are sure this isn’t the case - just to say though that I can’t think of any circumstances where this is not a possibility with such behaviour. My friend’s husband had ED and so she had ruled out affair but it turned out to be the case. However, I hope you are right though and your instinct is best on this one.

If you still want to try and save the marriage, have you tried counselling? Or suggested it?

Not any point in suggesting counselling. Years ago I suggested this when we were going through a bad patch but he refused. He would probably refuse again. Like you say, he is all over the place but says he thinks it's what he wants??!!
I'm not waiting around in limbo whilst he decides. I'm assuming this is it.

Also, in your original post you said that you had both been trying to make it work for the past year - you more than him but that “he says he has”. I get you don’t want to go into specifics but it sounds as though you felt you were putting effort into whatever needed fixing but you couldn’t really notice him doing anything - correct? If so, even though you thought counselling wasn’t worth it if he had checked out so completely, this will at least try and get him to acknowledge the issues honestly in a safe space to work though things. Even if it doesn’t repair the marriage, it may help to agree matters amicably for the children arrangements etc and help you both come terms with matters

Sorry OP your post crossed with mine - I understand your reasoning - just a suggestion. Sending you strength.

Hope you’re ok @Ironironiron. I’m nearly a year on from my marriage ending after trying to make it work for a year. All I’ve ever had is ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore’.

we still lived together for 5 months afterwards whilst he sorted a rental and we told the kids (wanted to wait until the oldest was settled into school).

anyway I am so much happier now. Once those rose tinted glasses come off you’ll realise he wasn’t good enough for you anyway. Don’t get me wrong I still have some days where I cry but there are further and further apart and I’m starting to become really content being just me and the kids.

it may not feel like it now, bur you can do this. Take one day at a time, talk to people and let yourself feel all of the emotions xx

Thank you. That's reassuring. I've been awake all night, couldn't eat last night and throw up this although nothing actually there as no food!! It started like this when he first said this the first time. I was just getting there and now this. I don't even know what the step I should take. He mentioned one of us buying the other out but don't think that's possible. I'd rather sell up and split the proceeds. Can't think straight and am in pieces but putting a brave front on.

I don't understand why some people aren't happy to love someone. Why do they have to in love? That's usually at the beginning and them loving someone us deeper, more permanent and substantial.

Take your time to think about what you want to do re the house. I changed my mind multiple times. It’s a complete head f*ck to have your life as you know it tipped upside down and there’s nothing you can do about it. I spent a year trying to convince him otherwise and it broke me mentally. I’m so much happier now I really know where I stand and honestly wonder what I ever saw in him most of the time. There was no other woman and no sign of anyone now - he looks a mess most of the time and I’m not saying that to be cruel - my family have said the same in a concerned way, no one, even his own own family can still understand his decision 🤷🏻‍♀️ bit I don’t worry about that now. Life now is about me and the kids.

happy to talk anytime if it helps you. I found mumsnet to be my saviour at times as you’ll find people that really understand what your going through.

I hope you get through today ok. Try and eat little at a time and for me it really helped getting out for a walk every day, even if cried throughout it x

I think people who say "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" are trying to let the partner down gently. It feels cruel to say "I don't love you any more". Sending love.

That all makes sense @Broken12 and is really helpful. It's a shame that MN won't allow the private massaging on here now as I'd tell you more about the situation. It sounds a little similar although he definitely won't let himself go, he likes to be well groomed and will prob meet someone quite quickly as hates being on his own. That will be a killer for me. Hopefully I'll be removing the rose coloured specs sooner than later. I wish that I could have a really good cry but it must be all pent up inside.

@Ironironiron tell your husband you won’t be making any financial decisions yet as he’s ahead of the game here, he’s had time to think and he isn’t upset like you either. Try and take a few days off from work and find a good solicitor and take some legal advice in the next few weeks. Don’t let him pressure you and I do think it best he goes away this weekend ( he can’t make something up to dc as dishonesty does t seem to be an issue for him). I really think you need space.

Also private messages seem to be back too x

Hi there, I’m sorry but I’d definitely be asking him to leave asap. There must be somewhere he could go. You need space from him, time to think and adjust. He needs to understand the reality of the situation.

I’m in a similar situation. I’m biding my time until summer and then am going to end it with him. He’s messed me around for years now. He’s thinks of himself always. He’s a good dad but that’s it! He’s miserable mostly and only happy when he gets to run or go to the gym.

I honestly think we will be happier without them in the long run. X

Please don’t let yourself go either. Dont give him the space to have no responsibility for the dc as I guarantee it will harder to get over the split. Make sure he is actively parenting and not an every other weekend kind of dad or you will be run into the ground and feel the pain even deeper of him moving on, You need time off from kids to recover, look after yourself and meet someone else when you are ready, I am speaking from experience here, shared care arrangement which is flexible but I get to go away with dp and have child free nights nights! Don’t agree to anything with him, he is steps in front of you but you nerf time to catch up, good luck xx