DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

Been through this myself. I feel for you so much. I couldn’t eat for almost two weeks and was in pieces for much longer.
What eventually helped me was getting angry. I started to see all the horrible things he had done/ was doing.
Much later I found out that all his blaming me was just a smokescreen for a long term affair.
Not saying that is necessarily the case for you at all but anger does feel better than overwhelming sadness.
Have a good hard look at him and get angry. It does help.

First of all OP, lots of love, hugs and solidarity. Of course you feel absolutely shit now - you've just had a big shock and your brain is desperately trying to process it, which is why your body is also in turmoil. This initial panicky feeling will pass. You say you won't be able to cope alone but believe me, you will. You say that your husband is controlling; being constantly picked on, told what to do and then chastised because he doesn't think you're doing whatever it is properly, is very damaging to your sense of self-worth. Control freaks maintain control by making you think you are useless. In addition, if you have been trying to preserve the marriage for some time you will have been spending an enormous amount of physical and psychic energy on trying to second-guess his moods and doing whatever is needed to keep him happy. Once he's gone, you'll be amazed at how much strength and energy you suddenly have to deal with your everyday life. And, once you start organising things to suit yourself, you'll begin to regain your self-confidence too. Today is a really dreadful day for you, but I promise you it will get better and in six months from now you'll look back and wonder how you could possibly have lived with such an arsehole. In the meantime, take everything step by step - try to resist looking too far into the future. As soon as you feel strong enough make an appointment with a solicitor to get the ball rolling. You can and will do this and you will end up happier as a result. More love and hugs - everyone here is rooting for you.

Ask him what his plans are for leaving, and how he envisages splitting the financials and how will co parenting work between you. Take back the control. Try to work on controlling what you can control, and not let the rest get to you.

If you can't face speaking to him, type it all out in an email, don't send it, then go off and try to take a few sips of water, breathe slowly and deeply.

Later on read through the email again and see how you feel about its contents. Then you might not want to send it or you might want to say these things to him in person. Either or both - or none! You decide.

The thing is, whatever you decide, it will be YOUR decision, not his. Just take your time, and have little sips of water every now and then.

Sending you love and strength, @Ironironiron

oh dear! There's someone else isn't there? Most definitely

Reading your posts made me think of two things OP. With regard to your body, in your shoes I would treat myself as if I was ill. So, gentle exercise, small meals, bland, things that help settle (bananas, applesauce and porridge are often touted as being good for this.) And just do all the things that help you when you have an upsent stomach. As for your response to him ending it, I hope you come to a self compassionate view of that over time, but in the meantime I wonder if you could work on gently building up your resilience? Have a google of the "window of tolerance". You're understandably outside of yours at the moment with the shock of this and the fears it's raised for you, and you will feel relatively better once back inside your WOT. Your methods of doing that need to be tailored to you. Fwiw, I'm not so great on my own. I want to share my life with people. So you have my complete sympathy here.

Writing down your feelings is really helpful. I did a lot of that and then ripped it up into tiny pieces afterwards because I was paranoid that if was run over by a bus my DC might find the vitriolic things I had written and been really upset...
It also felt cathartic to write down every angry thing I wanted to shout and scream at him and cathartic to rip it up and throw it away.
It kept my sanity because, as you no doubt realise, when you have DC together you have to maintain contact & it needs to be civil for your DC's sake. That bit is hard so you need an outlet. You may decide to go down the counselling route but journalling can still be helpful.

You are in shock but it will pass. concentrate on this hour and when you get to the end concentrate on that and so on. Set yourself little goals, only tiny ones, the big one's can wait. This time tomorrow you will be a tiny bit stronger and the same the next day.
You know yourself that this relationship is not bringing you what you need, you time alone to grieve, to recover, to rest and to find yourself. You have been here before and survived and you will do so again.
Be kind to yourself. Let yourself flourish.

I'm 6yrs ahead of you on this. XH flounced in the January (because I'd dared to pull him up on his drinking, after yet another "I promise I'll engage in rehab/abstinence" lie). He'd flounced/gone AWOL before, so I wasn't AS upset at that point. I thought that living apart for a time would give him the chance to really work on stopping alcohol/drugs and work on our marriage (that was what he told me as well, when he got in touch with me afterwards). I did put in strong boundaries about what I would and wouldn't put up with (I should have done that years before!!). 8 weeks later, he dumped me. I then found out that there was a OW (actually one of my now ex friends) that had been on the scene for months, and he had moved in with her. He told me that she was way better than I ever could be etc.

I cried and begged too, when he ended things properly with me (probably trauma bonding). I think because I couldn't believe that he was so quick to end things when I had done so much for him. Honestly though, he did me the biggest favour: having to deal with his antics was horrific; both the DC and myself were suffering (even though I tried to shield the kids as much as possible). DCs' behaviour and school grades both improved in the short few weeks between the day he flounced and the day he dumped me. The house was more peaceful and orderly. I slept better.

When he properly ended things, I felt sick, scared and couldn't eat much. So, I took things an hour/day at a time. Forced a smile on my face when with the kids, and when working etc; told my friends, colleagues and family so that I could get support; made sure I said yes to any social invite that I could make etc; made sure I was on top of things in the house. I think that - and keeping a good routine with the DC/life - helped. I did a lot of practical things too - spoke to a solicitor, boxed up all his crap, decluttered etc. It helped to take my mind of all the shit.

Time is the thing that helps though. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself. You're grieving a loss of sorts, a huge change, and that takes time to deal with. None of us go into a marriage or relationship without thinking it would last our lifetimes. I certainly didn't, and I meant every word of the vows I said in front of my priest, XH, family and friends. All of us want a happy ending and a happy life.

I tried to remember the shit things (luckily there were many!) and how I now wouldn't have to deal with that shit. About 4/5 months later, XH and OW split - all very dramatic and they both came crying to me about it (I shit you not). I told them both to GTF and told OW that she could keep him, and that he wasn't my problem anymore. He begged me to reconsider divorcing him (by this point, I was flavour of the month again) and for us to make a go of things again, but divorce papers had been sent and I wasn't prepared to stop any of it.

I hope you managed to catch some sleep. Try having something tiny to eat/drink. Self care is so important. Sending you lots of love and strength x

F

This is just a lovely post.

@Bodenne , thank you! Whenever I see threads like this come up on the active threads, I just want to pass on good wishes, and give a bit of comfort. I've never forgotten what a shit place it is to be in. You feel so utterly bereft and alone...but I remember reading threads on here at the time and seeing how others in my situation were doing...and feeling a bit less alone, if that makes sense. A lady posted probably a year or so before me and XH split about her husband and his drinking, them separating and how it had affected her/her DC and I've never forgotten it. I must say that it was her posts that gave me the courage to start putting in the boundaries and standing up for myself. I'm paying forward the support, advice and comfort that I read on the threads from 6/7yrs ago.

@Ironironiron, just in case..don't be worrying about what others might think. Get the support you need from your good friends/family. I was the breadwinner, did all the cooking and most of the household chores and parenting, sorted and paid for the childcare, did all the life admin etc. Yet I was ashamed of myself that my marriage had gone down the pan and worried that people might think I'd have not done enough (not helped by XH following the Script, changing history and making me out to be the worst and most unsupportive wife on the planet). I've been single ever since XH left, and it has been wonderful. I have the house set up as I like it, I cook what I want, I know things get sorted, the place is tidier/cleaner, I can see friends, watch what I want on TV, plan events (without worrying about them being ruined by XH). I sleep peacefully, I don't ever walk on eggshells or worry about what the next load of shit is going to be (or what I'm going to wake up to).

Yes, and remember the three c’s of living with an addict
al anon are great. I went once for someone we were struggling with. Was excellent

Lots of people will encourage you to date and tell you that's the best way to get over someone but it's important to spend some time alone to find out who you are again.

This is particularly important if your relationship has involved control.
It's scary to be alone - I remember I was terrified - but you learn over time that you don't need another person to survive, yes it's nice to have an equal partner, but you don't need them.

I think it's easy to lose who you are when you have kids and when you are in a relationship where the other partner is dominant.
Spend time finding you again xx

What is the point of this comment!? OP says not, and she knows her husband better than you do. Why are people ALWAYS so insistent that there has to be an OW? There is sometimes, yes, and people often lie about it, but I know several breakups where there were no other parties involved. People do break up for reasons apart from infidelity.

You're not coming over as desperate and needy, OP, you've had a shock and you are understandably scared at the thought of all the changes ahead. You want the life you are familiar with to continue and you obviously have some feelings for your DH still, so you'll miss him.
But you will get through it, one day at a time. Gradually you'll get used to a different kind of life and start to see some positive things about it.

I have heard some CF stories on here but your ex and your ex friend should take a biscuit each!
The sheer audacity of looking to you for support.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo, oh yes, a massive biscuit each!! On the day they split, I had been to Court that day for a PSO (XH morphed into a humungous twat and was threatening to take the kids* - I was pushing for supervised contact because of his drinking and behaviour). The awesome judge agreed to the PSO and then ordered a CAO be put in place (DC were to live with me 100% and have no overnights with XH due to his behaviour/drinking). Awesome Judge also gave XH a stern talking to for his shitty behaviour, so I was on Cloud 9 that day.

OW started messaging me on FB that evening, whining about what had happened/their bust up/break up, and I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life. I told her exactly what I thought of her and did the same when XH messaged me the next morning, all contrite and begging for another chance. OW was expecting me and her to form some sort of support group. I told her to GTF and that she could bloody well keep him (amongst other things). I told them both where to go (and laughed an awful lot). It was absolutely glorious. In the weeks after XH had dumped me, my lovely Dad died, so I was having to deal with the loss of my last remaining parent and Shitty XH's behaviour. So the day they both came whining to me was hilarious. I'll never forget that night. I was FaceTiming my best friend and sharing the conversation with her and another friend who was with her, and we were all laughing so much.

Morning @Ironironiron, how are you doing?

I’m in almost the exact same situation right now. We’ve tried to keep it going for the sake of our son who has Sen and does GCSEs this summer but on Saturday my DH launched a massive tub of peanut butter at the wall right next to me. It hit my back. He denies he threw it at me, “he had the best aim in school and if he’d wanted to have it me he could have”. He threw it at me because of the way I treat him.

He’s leaving. My 22 year old daughter pointed out that her brother has a better chance of success without the arguments than with us living together. I thought things had been a bit better between us but I now know that wasn’t the case for him.
I know we will get through it but for me it’s my son I feel sad for. I feel like a failure too.

Hi thanks for checking in with me. That's really sweet of you. Only just seen your msg. Had a very good night's sleep after an exhausting day yesterday.

Thank you for sharing this. Although it's awful what happened the way it's written made me laugh out loud!
You've obviously come out of this very strong and sounds as if karma came and bit them both on the arse.

Hi, you're not a failure at all! At least you know you tried. Unfortunately he didn't and his true colours are showing through now.
It's like that saying "If someone shows you who they, believe them the first time" or something like that.

What I've learned the hard way (and took me a long while to realise probably because I didn't want to see it) that although they can perhaps keep a lid on the rotten parts of their personality that men that are like this can't hold onto it and then they let rip and a light bulb goes on and you think oh yes I remember how nasty you can be.

Mine has a quick temper at times. Sometimes it's a build up of frustration of things that irritate him. Not that I'm condoning that in ANY way. He niggles at me for days or weeks and then I don't react. Then he would get really nasty and shout (and he's really loud when he wants to be). He's never physically abused me but both are abuse although physical is more tangible and they can't deny it. I never used to be like that I always used to stand up for myself.

What a shit remark of him to make about him missing his aim. Almost like when men say things like you're lucky U don't hit you or drink etc. Oh yeah thanks for that, you're so thoughtful for not actually hitting me that, I'm so lucky that you're such a catch. We have those tubs of peanut butter and that must've taken some strength, anger & determination to lob that at you. It must've bloody hurt to state the obvious.

So you're only trying to cope with your ds's SEN but your DH is adding to that stress. Yes in reality your ds might find it tough to start with but will adjust in time. Or he might even surprise you and will cope really well and may even find things better.

I've already asked someone else on here if they'd like to msg privately and if you'd like to too then I'd like that but will leave that with you. Hopefully you have support & good friends in rl anyway but it's good to talk to someone who is going through similar. It sounds like you're in a slightly better position to me only in that you say he's leaving as if he's going soon. My situation isn't quite like that at the moment for various reasons.

My situation has taken a weird turn. ( Still no OW incase anyone else wants to jump on the bandwagon! What are people like in here not everything in life is so black and white).

I know there are some genuinely really nice guys out there but some can be so cruel and can pull the rug from underneath your feet for their own selfish reasons and you can't recognise the person they've become and wonder if that person they are now was always there. Then what happens? Women blame themselves for their change in behaviour. You haven't failed. Remember that he's responsible for his own behaviour. He chose to throw something at you when all he had to do was communicate with you properly.

I know I sound strong and it's easy for me to say the right things but I'm up and down at the moment as I suspect you are. I felt really strong and full of resolve yesterday morning but by lunchtime was wavering but managed to hold it together. Was OK last night but a bit tearful this morning. Like someone else on here said, get angry. When I think of all of the crap things I've put up with it makes me angry and makes it easier.

Take care. Sorry for the long post!

@Ironironiron how are you doing (stupid question)? I just hope that you're as ok as you can be. I shared , because whilst it was hell at the time, there is hope...and it's proof that you can get through the shit.

Please look after yourself, draw on any support you can (your friends/family/MN), don't be embarrassed or ashamed (I thought I was a failure until my friends set me straight). Oh and grey rock your STBXH (polite/civil but that's that) - after all my crying etc, I started doing that (grey rocking him, oh and pretending he was a toddler having a tantrum and I was a super calm mum) and boy did it piss XH off at the time (plus with his shitty behaviour, it ended up making me look like a flipping angel in front of all our friends/family etc). Sure I cried in private (or with my friends), but with him, I was like Maggie Smith in Downton (sadly not as witty). I didn't say a word to OW - unless I was genuinely trying to get hold of XH for a good reason (usually related to my solicitor or DC or to get him to move his damned stuff) - until she came whining to me during Breakupgate (then I verbally let her have it, politely but very strongly).

Remember, one day at a time yeah? Then you can tick that day off as a day that you got through. Celebrate the small achievements, even mundane shit like housework done, meals sorted etc. Sounds stupid, but maybe pick a box series or something that you can watch an episode of each night. If it is something you're interested in doing, what about an exercise/yoga video that you can do at home? I used a combo of my exercise bike/treadmill and exercise videos, and that really helped me at the time. Other things that helped (once XH ended things and wasn't coming back): buying a new bedlinen set, doing a simple change around of the furniture, batch cooking myself some nice soups (so that I had something small to eat when I couldn't face eating much, planting a load of nice plants that would look lovely for the summer, saying yes to as many social events (that he wouldn't be at) as I could (more often this was stuff which I could take the DC along with me), doing walks/cycle rides (and taking snacks/a picnic) with the DC. As it was spring, I would get up early and sit outside in the sun, having a quiet coffee (little bit of peace and quiet before I had to get DC up and sorted for school etc). Small stuff like that really helped. x

Thank you for that. I have dips when I realise I've been shit on from a great height and feel a bit sorry for myself. Then I think pull yourself together girl you can do this, rise above and that I might actually be better off in the longterm. Because it came a bit unexpectedly I have lost so much trust in him.
I can't think straight and I'm trying my hardest not to let it take up too much brain space but it's lingering there in the background all the time. I think Im blocking a bit because the reality is that someone I love has been cruel and did it in such a cowardly way that it shows little respect for me and my feelings.