DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

Hi, hope you're OK. I posted on here yesterday in response to your msg (a really long one) but forgot to include your quote in it so you may not have realised it was to you.

Your DH is such a shit to throw something at you. You're not a failure. He is though. He's failed too support his family and failed to take any responsibility.

Hopefully you'll come out if this stronger and your self esteem on tact once more.

@Ironironiron you are very kind offering comfort to others when you are going through so much turmoil.

@Ironironiron it's not a straight path but you will get there.

Hi there, thank you so much for replying and your kind offer of help and support. I’ve been keeping busy with work and the gym.. family stuff too.

i find talking to people in real life is super hard for me. My mum has been great and I have one friend in particular who I could tell anything to.

The throwing was very out of character for him. He’s got many faults, as I’m sure I have too but he’s not a violent person. We’ve been together for 27 years and he’s never shown aggression like this. If anything he’s always really calm and never raises his voice. Which weirdly is also quite unnerving. But I think because of this his frustration must have built up.

Im almost 50 and I think the peri meno is affecting me much more than I thought. I have become very irrational, jealous, paranoid and most of the time I don’t like the person I am. I feel very unlovable and therefore in my mind he must be loving someone else. But in reality I know he has only one love … and that’s running and sport!!! I’ve got a gp appointment to talk about reviewing my hrt but I’d also like to try some Ads to help with my anxiety and all round low mood.

I’ve been thinking about him having an affair and the rational part of me doesn’t think he would do that but now and then this awful wave of paranoia comes over me. He hates it and he feels a relationship is nothing without trust. This is the main reason we argued and why he wants to leave. Despite life’s challenges we’ve always been stable and happy, this really changed an out 18 months ago.

We have a big family holiday booked this summer, our first in years and the thought of him not being there is so sad for me. Our son absolutely adores him and they have so many hobbies together.

How are things with you now?

If we keep going until summer and GCSEs are done and I can get my hrt and mood sorted I’ll be in a much stronger place to make that break for good. OR, I’ll be easier to live with and we might (tiny possibility) start to like each other again.

I can identify with the trust thing and a OW. I was playing the pick me dance for a while against myself! It wasn't so sad, it would be funny. I was paranoid too. There isn't an OW despite some people on here insisting there is! I just decided that I had to let go of that idea and trust him and the relief was immense (can really play with your mind can't it?)
I'm OK. Having strong times during the day and then feeling near to tears. Just keeping myself busy. My situation had an unexpected twist to it the very next morning which I don't want to discuss on mn & has left me reeling and confused. So I'm not sure what my next step will be. I'm just taking it day by day until my mindset is in the right place.

It sounds like you could possibly work on your relationship if you both want to? Not that I'm condoning his behaviour on any level but people act out under pressure and stress. To have never seen this behaviour in all that time is saying a lot.

We had a massive row a couple of weeks ago. No one else in the house luckily. He shouted very loudly at me, slammed stuff around. I'm not usually an aggressive person but I reacted but standing inches from his face and shouted "fuck off then!". It was a build up of him nit picking at me over a couple of weeks, really unimportant things.
So I didn't cover myself in any glory there and didn't have to react that way but I just blew.

I hope you're able to discuss your situation as it sounds like you could do with his support. Not easy when you have dcs that you're worrying about adding to the stress. X

Thank you. I guess I understand where the poster is coming from as we're both in the thick of it. Sometimes I find it easier to be stronger for other people. If only I'd listen to myself then I might not be in the situation zI am in now!🙄

I think comments on this post are hard to read for you and you are trying to salvage what you can. Hope you are ok x

There really isn't an OW. If you knew my situation you would know why. I can't say as would be outing. It's not possible. But I'm tired of telling everyone on here.
If it ever evolves to be the case then I'll report back. It won't be though.

@Ironironiron apologies, asking for my first post today to be removed as I did her myself confused with another thread. So sorry x

Sorry asking for my post to be removed as confused with another thread. Sorry I have upset you.

That's OK. Not upset just irritated although it wasn't a nasty post (unlike some others) I'm sorry you've experienced this though x

When I was in OPs position 30 years ago this would not have helped me at all. I see what you're trying to say but gosh, no. Read the room?

Hi Iron
I have been in your situation. 20 plus years ago, me and my ex wife split, her choice, just fell out of love with me.
At the time I was devastated like you.

A year later I met a lovely girl, 13 yrs my junior. We now have 4 lovely kids! So hopefully you will be fine.

Going by what you're saying, (or not saying), he has shown interest in men!
I know someone, who fancies women predominantly, but finds excitement in dangerous liaisons with men.
He is not gay, is married and I think he just finds it exiting! I hear stories of chance encounters, for quick mutual pleasures, and the males do things his wife doesn't! 🫨

Sorry if that is off the mark, but that comes of filling in the blanks! 😁
If it isn't, feel free to PM me! 😀

Thank you but totally off the mark!🤣. He's not gay.I know that I can live independently, have done so before. I think the shock of the situation affected me and brought out severe anxiety as a reaction. I'm coping much better now although vulnerable and that isn't always the best time to make decisions. Gradually getting my head together. Glad it worked out for you.

Ironironiron
Ok, sorry if I was way off! 😄
Hopefully you will find peace as I did in the long run.

What’s the relevance of your partner being 13 years younger get than you? Is that some sort of male bragging rite?

No, not really. Just giving her a ray of light! Feel free to bring the dark cloud!

Update on this. The very next day he changed his mind. What a headfuck!
Then today after me practically forcing it out of him, he does want to split up after all. I knew something wasn't right with him.
Still no OW. It's just the thought of having to break up a family he said. He's says he thinks that's what he wants.
I'm putting on a brave front but inside I'm sad and want to cry but somehow I can't. It doesn't seem real. I don't want him to know how upset I am. J7st hoping I can sleep OK tonight.

The thought of being alone is dizzying and I’m the beginning it feels strange and empty but soon enough you will absolutely love it, eat what and when u want, do hobbies, watch whatever whenever, build your life, get fit (as soon as u feel like you can eat), he will me gobsmacked probably want you back but you’ll be too busy loving your full life to be bothered

Thank you so much for that. I was listening to a couple of podcasts the other day, one by Steve Harvey and another by a guru. Both said similar. I didn't beg like last time, I didn't react too much really. It's going to so hard, trying to be brave whilst all the time crumbling inside. I need to tell myself it's real, it's happening. At the moment I'm nit admitting that to myself esp as I know the whole thing will be a long process as he's not moving out immediately. We've just been sat as if nothing has changed. So surreal.

@Ironironiron sorry to hear your latest update. He’s spineless for changing his mind last time after all you went through then. And now you are going through the mental and physical reactions again quite likely.
What are you the most scared of? The unknown, the breaking up of the family unit? Or are you heartbroken as well as you do love him? It’s important to understand these things to help you.
It sounds painful having him around and so hard to act normal and like nothing is going on. It’s adding to your pain. Ask him to leave as you need space. He can’t be calling all the shots!

I don't know. Being on my own. Going through the heartbreak. Love him bit can't make him feel the same.
It might be for the best in reality. I just feel sick to the stomach at the moment.

He's got nowhere to go.