DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

[Ironironiron]

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

How very unkind. You need to look at yourself as posting that is a reflection on you. Why did you feel the need?

Thank you. I will ignore them from now. I shouldn't bite. Some people are bitter rather than being supportive I guess.
Most people on here have been so lovely.
I can't think about having that discussion yet as it's too raw but I know I'll have to.

My friend was just like you when her husband walked out. It's hard. But a few years later when she'd met and married a lovely man. She said she'd thought of writing a letter to the OW thanking her for talking her ex husband away.

Make an appointment with your GP on Monday.

Do everything at your pace don't be bullied.

There were two lovely threads on here by a MN whose husband had left her for another woman with a budgie. Much laughter and tears. But she found out just how strong she was.

Keep that in mind. He is the loser. I think my DH was somewhat shocked when I wasn't on my knees, sobbing.
However, my situation is somewhat different as we had adult children. It's much harder when there are little ones.
And there was another woman. That's how I discovered why he was acting weird. I told him I'd found out. I shrugged my shoulders and told him what my conditions were if he wanted to stay with me, otherwise he could fuck off. At this point we'd been married for about 45 years. He is still around. I trusted him and respected him completely before. He's lost that - it is so sad.

It’s bloody crap. I was like this in a ltr. I spent years thinking about what I should be doing to cause him the least amount of annoyance and when he finally ended it, I couldn’t even keep water down.

You need time. With time comes hindsight. And in hindsight I can see that he did me such a big favour by leaving, because I wouldn’t have left him in a million years and yet now I can see how completely unsuited we were. I can see how it wasn’t normal to worry about upsetting him as much as I did. It wasn’t normal to minimise myself just so he could take centre stage all the time. It wasn’t normal to relinquish control over everything simply because he had issues and couldn’t bear anyone not doing things his way. With time, you’ll see all of this, and more. You’ll realise that the reason you think you can’t cope without him is because you’ve convinced yourself that he’s right and does know best (hint; he doesn’t), and you’ll realise that this relationship has actually been a huge burden.

I do think you need him to move out as quickly as possible though. Like this weekend. And all of his stuff needs to be gone as well. It’s not helping you by dragging it out.

For what it’s worth, I’m now married and in the healthiest, happiest relationship I’ve ever had. And although I wasn’t grateful at the time, I thank my lucky stars he walked away now, so that I was free to have this.

Tonight, just get through tonight. Tomorrow get through tomorrow. Keep going, day by day. One day you’ll wake and feel a relief. Keep going, each day you’re a step closer.

I doubt many of us are impressed with YOU.
Be kind or be quiet.

I actually thought that he was waiting for me to end so he didn't look like the bad guy but he said we could tell the dcs it was his choice to go as we'd grown apart so I was surprised.
It's coercive control. Very underhand. Totally unreasonable. Lots of tiny things that I can't think of now! It was constant and has made me second guess lots of things I do.

@Yarrrrr wtf!
OP, I think I'm going to be where you are any day now.
Very long marriage, too much hideous damage and although it's his fault (truly) he's "not coping" with my trauma. The irony would be hilarious if it wasn't such agony.
In my experience of bereavement, I ignored everyone who said "you must eat". Just try to stay hydrated and don't fixate on food, as it'll happen naturally when your body's not in such visceral shock. I vomited a lot, usually at the culmination of a panic attack and after a while stopped of its own accord. And if all I could manage initially was a scoop of vanilla ice cream, or a yoghurt, well that's what I did.
I really, really feel for you.
You probably won't even believe me right now. But you will truly survive. And eventually thrive.
One hour at a time for now.

Why am I coming across as desperate and needy?

You're not. It's a loss, you're going to need to grieve it. And not just the life you have, you're grieving what you thought your future would be. It will take time. As someone who's come out the other side, I cannot believe how much better life is now. You'll get there too. You just need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.

Mine aren't little so that'll be easier. I won't have to rely on him for child care.

Wow. I’m all for a bit of straight talking when it’s needed, but your reply was pretty vicious.

If you’re struggling to cope with whatever is going on in your life that is making you so bloody unhappy, then do something about it. You don’t get points for keeping quiet about your own problems but taking out your frustrations on other people.

Wow, yes that's so like my situation. He hates it when I don't agree. He asks my opinion on something and if I don't agree he keeps on until I agree, even with things like my opinion on an item of clothing he's trying on. Well then, why even ask me? It's like a game where he's trying to set me up to fail.

I can remember being unable to eat when it happened to me, or I would try to eat and the food just felt like sand in my mouth. You have had an tremendous shock, no wonder you feel sick and panicky. At this stage try to take it hour by hour, thinking too far ahead could make you panic even more. Is there anyone irl who can be with you while you start to process what is happening? Long term you will get through this, you will find strength you did not know you had and there will be better times ahead. I know it is hard to believe this when you are reeling from this blow but so many people go through this and they survive and then they thrive.

Hey, my exH ended it with me on Boxing Day just gone. This was totally out of the blue for me, I thought we were happily married! Only looking back do I see that he was mentally checking out. The first couple of weeeks I was crying a lot, was falling asleep between 2-4 in the morning and couldn’t eat so lost a lot of while. I have a 5yo DD so had to be normal in front of her.
Now it has been a little over a month and the raw sadness has gone and I’m eating and sleeping normally again. Although, because I was eating and sleeping so little it made me run down so I then had a horrific cold which I’m still getting over!
I had about a week of feeling extremely anger and also very overwhelmed as I had to get myself a new car and sort out little bits and bobs that usually he would do. I done them though!
Ex has now moved out and is in a flat.
I’m obviously still sad but the unbearable, can’t-focus-on-anything pain has gone and I’m looking at the positives now.
I can do what I want without thinking of another human (only DD).
you will get through this. I felt exactly the same way.
take care xxx

Thank you. I feel more like I'm reacting normally now as like you so many replies have said they were the same. Plus it helps to know that others have got through it.
I want my logical head to be working so that I can realise this is probably for the best. Unfortunately the emotional side is taking over.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel - that I won't be able to focus on anything pain.
Thanks for sharing that. Totally shit way of him to do it but you sound amazingly strong!
That's an amazing turn around time.
I used to be so independent before I met him so I'll just have to rein that in again.

You need to reflect on why you're such an utter cunt. Or get some really intensive therapy. Either way, you need to do it sooner rather than later.

Yes remember reading the one with the budgie but no OW involved.So funny. I guess mine will just as controlling to the next person in time. I'd be gutted if he treated the next person differently.

You will be fearful - it's normal. You will be in shock and your physical body is struggling to cope with the surges of adrenalin and cortisol coursing around. It is a trauma when it is unexpected. I lost masses of weight in the first two weeks. I couldn't eat for about two months. I couldn't sleep in bed for any length of time. You just have to roll with it and do the best you can currently. Forget counselling etc - it's too early for that. As for the begging ? Again that is fear. You will be ok. Do only what you need to and no more but do get to the bank and freeze any joint accounts. Read the book The runaway Husband . It helped me.

You're right I know. It's just this crap time I'm going to have to face mentally plus I'm not good at being alone even with the dcs here.
I have lived on my own before I met him but things were different then.
I think we'd both be miserable. I'm not going to try and stop him. I begged out of sheer fear. He wouldn't stay anyway. Once he's made up his mind that's it with him. He can be a cold person so the more I think about it the more I think it's a lucky escape for me.

You feel desperate and needy because of the rejection

you want to be loved

go into your inner child and tell her she is loved and lovable and plenty even alone!

you know a controlling man is not good both

you got this

Thank you. I'll take a look at that book. I don't think counselling would help anyway. I just have to come to terms with the situation.

I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.

Of course you will be able to cope!

Get a hold of yourself.

Nobody died cos an idiot left them.

Get thee to a good therapist.

I survived and thrived.