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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he wants to split....need a handhold.

217 replies

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:15

So after pushing him to talk to me, DH has finally admitted he doesn't want to stay with me after many years together.
The past year we have been trying to make it work, more me than him although he says he has been so it's probably as best as he could do.
There's definitely no one else.
The problem is I'm in shock. I've thrown up 3 tines already as soon as he told me and had the runs. I'm panicking.
I had to drag it out of him as he just refusing to look at me and talk to me. Apparently he was thinking of telling me this weekend but was trying to find the right moment.
I begged him not to do this I'm ashamed to say.
I know I won't be able to eat. Will probably have panic attacks and won't be able to sleep.
I've been here before years and lost so much weight through it. I'm not exactly that big already. I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope.
Please don't tell me about ducks in a row. I know about all of that. Have Been on my for years but have name changed.

It's the panic, the throwing up etc and the fear of being alone (even with dcs at home).
If you've reacted like this, how did you cope?
I feel so lost...

OP posts:
Slurper · 01/02/2025 23:18

big hugs. 🤗

It’s tough but time is the healer. Some tough days and weeks ahead but it aways gets better with time.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:20

Slurper · 01/02/2025 23:18

big hugs. 🤗

It’s tough but time is the healer. Some tough days and weeks ahead but it aways gets better with time.

Thank you. I just keep thinking I'm going to throw up again. I just want him to change his mind but I know he won't. He can be quite stoic and cold at times.

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 01/02/2025 23:21

I think about half of marriages end in divorce so it happens to lots of people. It does get better. Just take one day at a time. Let your family and friends know so they can support you.

Channellingsophistication · 01/02/2025 23:22

I couldnt eat when my marriage ended. I literally felt I just couldnt swallow food. It was the shock really. In my case exh had someone else. It was too much to take in. I just had to focus on one day at a time. Keep going forward. It will get better. Were you happy in the marriage?

SpringBunnyHopHop · 01/02/2025 23:23

It sounds silly but have a cold glass of water and sit somewhere quiet. Focus on your breathing and relax.

You’ll get through this.

coldcallerbaiter · 01/02/2025 23:25

Has he told you concrete reasons?

Shinyandnew1 · 01/02/2025 23:27

It's very normal to feel sick and lose your appetite when you're stressed-keep telling yourself that's totally normal.

When you are feeling calm, try to think practically. What is your accommodation plan going to be? Do you need to move? How many hours are you working? Can you up your hours if you're part time?

Mylovelygreendress · 01/02/2025 23:29

Are you sure there is no one else ? I have a friend who insisted it wasn’t possible there was another woman but there was not only another woman but another child .
Not trying to make you feel worse but being realistic.

AllrightNowBaby · 01/02/2025 23:31

Oh god… we’ve all been there Op, it’s just awful and I’m sending you a big hug.
You are in shock and your body is reacting to it, try to drink a cup of tea and see if you can calm down a bit, because you will be fine you know. You will cope and be happy again but it will take a while ….

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:31

Channellingsophistication · 01/02/2025 23:22

I couldnt eat when my marriage ended. I literally felt I just couldnt swallow food. It was the shock really. In my case exh had someone else. It was too much to take in. I just had to focus on one day at a time. Keep going forward. It will get better. Were you happy in the marriage?

Well we've had a rough few years really but thought we'd got back on track. Lots of resentment. He's quite controlling and I've probably been to please him recently too much. In the back of my mind I know it's probably the right thing really. It's just the dread of being alone. My closest friend has really let me down recently.
I'm close to my mum but that's it really. I just don't feel very strong.
I know I can't make him be in love with me anymore.
Why am I coming across as desperate and needy?

OP posts:
Sunshineandrainbow · 01/02/2025 23:32

Take each hour at a time, you will get through this. 💞

Where is he now? How old are your children?

HowlongdoIwait · 01/02/2025 23:33

Sending a handhold 🤗

I remember the pain and feeling totally broken but it does get easier i promise.

Take one day at a time and try to surround yourself with people who love you

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:35

coldcallerbaiter · 01/02/2025 23:25

Has he told you concrete reasons?

He doesn't feel anything for me. Cares about me but isn't in love with me. It's been a long time coming really. Lots of resentment over the years. I thought to myself one day last year that maybe it's me being unreasonable and so decided to try to be agreeable to things. Feel such a fool.

OP posts:
ZeppelinTits · 01/02/2025 23:36

Because you're in a state of shock and grief, love. Be very gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend, encouraging yourself to have some water and try and grab a little sleep, speaking to yourself kindly and compassionately. It's a huge thing to take in and your reaction is so natural and normal. Don't beat yourself up about it - you are normal and healthy and just experiencing deep sadness and pain.
I'm sending you much love and the promise that, although it doesn't feel like it now, you will get through this and will be happy again. Time is incredible for smoothing out the rough edges of pain and bringing us back into a calmer, more regulated state. All you need to do now is just breathe through the pain and take it one hour or minute at a time.
This WILL pass. I promise you. Flowers

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:36

Sunshineandrainbow · 01/02/2025 23:32

Take each hour at a time, you will get through this. 💞

Where is he now? How old are your children?

He's still here. We're going to talk again and make plans another day. Haven't told anyone yet. Just mn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:38

ZeppelinTits · 01/02/2025 23:36

Because you're in a state of shock and grief, love. Be very gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend, encouraging yourself to have some water and try and grab a little sleep, speaking to yourself kindly and compassionately. It's a huge thing to take in and your reaction is so natural and normal. Don't beat yourself up about it - you are normal and healthy and just experiencing deep sadness and pain.
I'm sending you much love and the promise that, although it doesn't feel like it now, you will get through this and will be happy again. Time is incredible for smoothing out the rough edges of pain and bringing us back into a calmer, more regulated state. All you need to do now is just breathe through the pain and take it one hour or minute at a time.
This WILL pass. I promise you. Flowers

Thank you. I just feel so shit.😭😭🤢

OP posts:
MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 01/02/2025 23:40

You’re in shock and your body will do anything to not feel like that, physically you are vomiting/having the runs. Mentally your body is saying this is too much to deal with, make it stop. That horrible feeling makes you want to save your marriage to make those panicky feelings stop. Once the adrenaline and shock has worn off a bit see how you feel. It may be a blessed relief.

Bless you, it’s a terrible feeling xxxx

researchers3 · 01/02/2025 23:42

It will start to get better a few weeks or maybe months after he's gone.

If he's definitely going he should hurry up and leave. it's cruel to string it out.

It is horrible when they want out and you don't. To not be able to eat and feel panic/loss/shock is a normal response.

It feels like it will finish you but it won't.

Sending a hug and strength.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:42

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 01/02/2025 23:40

You’re in shock and your body will do anything to not feel like that, physically you are vomiting/having the runs. Mentally your body is saying this is too much to deal with, make it stop. That horrible feeling makes you want to save your marriage to make those panicky feelings stop. Once the adrenaline and shock has worn off a bit see how you feel. It may be a blessed relief.

Bless you, it’s a terrible feeling xxxx

Edited

That makes sense. Thank you. Yes I'd do anything to just make it stop. I told him I'd do anything! He said but then I wouldn't be being myself which is true.
I'm just scared.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 01/02/2025 23:45

You are having a perfectly normal reaction to shock and grief. This will get easier. Drink some water, not eating for a day won't harm you. Tomorrow maybe you can face a cup of tea and some toast. He has probably got some plans as he's been thinking about this for longer - don't get pressured into agreement until you've had time to think.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:45

researchers3 · 01/02/2025 23:42

It will start to get better a few weeks or maybe months after he's gone.

If he's definitely going he should hurry up and leave. it's cruel to string it out.

It is horrible when they want out and you don't. To not be able to eat and feel panic/loss/shock is a normal response.

It feels like it will finish you but it won't.

Sending a hug and strength.

I don't think he will leaving that soon. He's thinking of moving out so we can have the least disruption for the dcs. I know Ive6got to stay strong for them but one of them is goingvthrough a tough time anyway and now I'll have to deal with that alone too.
I just keep thinking of how so so scared I feel.

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 01/02/2025 23:45

@Ironironiron im sorry you’re in this situation. It’s hard to hear but it will get easier. You are in shock and are in a mental free fall. Focus on looking after yourself as best you can, whatever you need to do to comfort yourself and feel safe. Ground yourself, watch familiar dependable lighthearted tv (something you’ve seen 100 times and has no surprises).

For dealing with anxiety focus on breathing techniques, calming music, avoid caffeine, try to get fresh air and sleep when you can. If you feel a panic attack coming on apparently doing 5 minutes of star jumps can prevent it taking hold as your brain literally can’t panic when it’s that distracted, humming helps too.

With regard to your husband it’s not surprising you are responding this way, you want the pain to stop and you think by him saying he doesn’t mean it will take away your hurt. The person you rely on has ripped the rug from under you and the one person you want comfort from is the source of your distress. Try not to focus on him too much if you can, he can’t be relied on, he’s no longer your partner and not your friend.

You will get through this, it will get easier, you are stronger than you know

AllTheChaos · 01/02/2025 23:46

Have you tried tapping for the panic attacks? I was having massive problems with them and was taught the technique of tapping the tops of my finger tips with the fingers of the other hand, one after another, left hand and then right hand and then repeat. It stops panic attacks in their tracks. I know it’s not much in the face of all you are going through through, but panic attacks are awful so I wanted to let you know that they at least can be dealt with easily. Good luck with this all, it’s awful I know, been there too. You will manage and it will get better x

mumda · 01/02/2025 23:46

Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:20

Thank you. I just keep thinking I'm going to throw up again. I just want him to change his mind but I know he won't. He can be quite stoic and cold at times.

Show quote history

Put your brave face on and tell him to hurry up and go.
Accept it's over and grieve for the loss of your marriage.

Original poster
Ironironiron · 01/02/2025 23:49

Thank you everyone. I feel so pathetic eso at begging him not to do this! I wish I could've been stronger in my reaction.

OP posts: