He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

You don't want us to tell you to leave - what do you want? Tea and sympathy?

You need to be clear in your head what your deal breaker will be. For eg do you (or does he) want another child?

Tbh as the higher earner you may be better off unmarried tbh.

Is there a compromise that you can both accept? Civil partnership?

Neither of us want more children. happy with DD.

it’s not that I don’t want to be told not to leave. Is it reasonable to leave over this? Making DD grow up without mummy and daddy together whereas if I just dropped it we would be happy as Larry? How do I just clear the idea from my head and not become bitter!

Also - I guess I just want some straight talk. I don’t have any family left really (DM died recently) and I can’t face the truth of what’s happening to my girlfiriends as once they know it’s reality if you see what I mean. I was just hoping for advice about what’s sensible here.

Honest question - do you want to "be married" or to "have a wedding" (or both) and is it more the wedding that DP reacts to rather than the idea of marriage?

So for example if you'd be happy with a registry office and then a nice meal - would he still say no (and would you be happy with that). I think that would tell you all you need to know really

He doesn’t want to marry you op. That’s the bottom line. He hoped an ‘engagement’ would keep you quiet. If that’s a deal breaker for you then you need to follow through and break up. Or you put up with it. I wouldn’t if it was me, but that’s me.

Tell him no sex until you're married. May focus his mind.

honestly it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married whether that’s to you or to anyone, you might have to dig a little to find that out. He’s using money as an excuse if he won’t discus even modest plans after 4 yrs, So if you want to give it one last try, book a slot at a registry office. If he still finds excuses then you know he just doesn’t want to marry you.
Then you can make the decision about whether you stay with him or not, this dangling you on a string is so disrespectful .

Very happy. Its both.

I never think "staying together for the kids" is reasonable.

So you have to decide do you want to stay or go? Because "staying for the kids" is saying you're OK not getting married, isn't it? So you just have to avoid bringing it up again and you're golden. Except you're not because you want to get married.

It's not easy but you have to decide what you want. But again, staying for the sake of DC isn't good.

Does he share your religious views? Obviously not or it would be as important to him. What are the other reasons? You've got more money so it isn't that.

I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends)

But you're not happy 😳

You need to be honest with yourself about that.

He's made it very clear he doesn't want to get married. The reason he won't come out and actually say it, is because he's worried that being honest will upset the apple cart and you might leave him.

So you need to decide whether you'll leave him over his refusal to marry you, and he needs to decide whether he's so dead against getting married that he's willing to see you walk away.

I agree.

Sorry OP. If you're good enough to live with and have a child with then you're good enough to marry. I wouldn't put up with it either. It also, romance asides, puts you in a more secure position legally.

And I know it's too late for you OP but I'm going to say this in case anyone else is reading and marriage is important to them.

DO NOT get a place and have children together if marriage is important to you.

This man (like so many others) already has everything he wants without actual marriage.

marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others.

Is it really though. You are living with him. You had a child with him.

Maybe you are the one who needs to put your money where your mouth is OP.

can you clarify. By walking away you mean?

I know I’ve been foolish to let it go on this long. There’s been so much loss in life. I’ve lost my Dm and my DS died suddenly in October. The thought of now becoming a single parent feels like a gut punch too.

Yep.
I am confused by your claim about wanting marriage for religious reasons. You should probably not have had a child before marriage in that case.

Only one of you is going to get what they want here. Draw up a list of pros & cons and decide that way?

My honest opinion is, if a man loves his partner, truly wants to be with her and WANTS to marry her, then he will in a timely way. To be together 4 years and then get engaged, that's fine but then to still be waiting 4 years later for the actual wedding, that's called 'dragging your heels'! Do you think it's possible he asked you to marry him, because he genuinely wanted to at that time? Or do you think he felt pressured into asking? Some men are happy to get engaged, because it doesn't mean very much, in the sense nothing changes. Marriage, means actual change. It means commitment. It's legal, and therefore more real that an engagement. He's clearly dragging his heels, you need to find out why. Is he worried things might go wrong? Does he not want marriage? He needs to be honest with you, because at the moment it looks very much like, he doesn't want marriage - now if that's not wanting marriage full stop or not wanting to marry you - that's something else you need to know. You also need to think long and hard about what you want. You mention marriage for religious reasons, yet you've had a baby without being married. Normally people who marry for religious reasons, are religious enough to want marriage before babies. Do you want marriage for security? Nothing wrong in that, if that's the case. Is marriage a deal breaker for you? Obviously it all depends on your partner's answers.

Your right. DD wasnt planned. I’m so glad she’s here thought

can you clarify. By walking away you mean?

Yes.

Put simply. People who want to get married, get married. He doesn't want to and you don't seem that bothered either.

I’m very bothered!!! Very very bothered!!!!! Hence my post

Oh OP, that's awful, I'm so sorry. Take it easy maybe until you feel stronger and do what's right for you but you know you'll not be happy if he doesn't want to marry you. It's insulting actually.

Well, you can't force him. Surely you don't want to marry someone who's not into it just because you think it will make you feel better?
Either accept things as they are or leave. Those literally are the only options.

That DS should have been sister not son. Sorry for the typo

Tbh? Just leave.