He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

If you are the higher earner / have more £ then remaining unmarried is the wisest thing to do. Look out for your own interests,

You own the house, it’s solely yours with no mortgage, and you earn more? Do not marry this man! He is doing you a favour op - a divorce would be very financially costly for you. AND he doesn’t value you enough to marry you anyway. Maybe this relationship has run its course? OR stay as you are, because it defo makes much more sense for you financially.

Just go to your local Registry Office, book a wedding in 2 or 3 weeks time. Inform him of the date and time. Arrange for witnesses to be free then. If he doesn't turn up you will know it's that he doesn't want to get married and not the cost. If he turns up you will be married in eyes of the law.

Fwiw, marriage is very significant in my partner's culture and it is one of the reasons he never envisaged marrying outside his culture. Early on, I said I wasn't bothered and probably don't want to and he said that's a deal breaker then and explained why it is so important to him. So it was at that point i knew that marriage is important to him and that if it wasn't for me, I should not go forward.

I disagree, I think most (but not all) prefer to be married

Op this doesn't sound like your man!

You really want marriage and he knows this.
He either really really doesn't want marriage or is indifferent to your wishes.

Neither seem good in a life partner 😞

I'd ask him why he proposed in the first place if he doesn't want to get married? And tell him you will give the ring back and no longer be his fiancée if he isn't going to come good on the proposal. If he won't take the next step forward, then take the next step back. He can't have a ring on your finger showing you are 'spoken for' if he won't commit.

This is good advice.

I’ve been there OP, but no children. All our friends were getting married, but not us. It was getting embarrassing. DP was quite happy to start a family, but was reluctant to get married. I wasn’t prepared to have a baby unless he married me. After a lot of arguments, he gave in. We got married and I felt relief/triumph on the day (probably not the usual emotions)! Just over a year later he began the affair that blew it all out the water. Thankfully I had not become pregnant. He told me he’d never wanted to get married.

But when I met my second husband, he proposed after 6 weeks!

Sorry @Celebrity1999 butbit sounds like you are a nice convenience for him. House paid for so no rent or mortgage to contribute to, so cheap living. You earn more & pay for everything. More money in his pocket. You've had a child so he thinks he's sorted. He's sat back, chilled out & thanks very much darling. Of course I love you, look what you've given me. You want marriage? Oh no, not yet, timings not right.

Tell him to move out. You want to date again, feel loved, cherished & valued. Not just a convenience who washes his underwear, cooks his dinner & provides sex on tap.
He can get a place & take dd on days out.

He needs a dose of reality. Do yourself a favour & let him have it.

Honestly, I think you would be crazy to marry him.

Think of it this way. He doesn't want to get married. Even if you managed to persuade him into it, you'd know he'd rather not.

Then he's living rent-free in your home and contributes towards bills (big of him) but doesn't like to spend money. Remember that marriage is a legal partnership and you could lose such a lot financially if you divorced. You could lose your home! You could end up having to have a mortgage again.

I'm not saying you shouldn't want to get married - I do understand that because you're thinking there's be more security in it - but I don't think you should marry this man.

In fact, I don't think you should mention marriage to him again. If he mentions it, I'd say, "Oh sorry, you're too late. Once it was clear you didn't want to marry me, I realised I agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea."

I'm not saying leave him. Just accept you're not going to marry him. One day there will be someone who'll be so thrilled at the thought of being with you that he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. This isn't the man for that.

On the one hand it seems silly to uproot an otherwise happy relationship and family, with someone who has committed to you in other ways (arguably bigger commitment than a wedding), because of not having a wedding or marriage certificate.

on the other hand, it’s sad if he’s not being honest about not wanting to get married and not considering how important it is to youx

is he ideologically opposed to it?

And agree sounds like you’d be mad to marry him really, and have a lot more to lose financially than him.

Sorry OP, but I think you'd be crazy to marry him.

Marriage is a legal contract, he would be able to walk away with half your assets and he probably would as he's mean 'frugal' with money.

Without realising it, he's doing you a massive favour.

I agree.

I’m reading all of the responses. Thanks everyone. It’s just so awkward at home knowing he wants to be there for his daughter (he does. He’s a great dad in fairness) but I’ve brought up splitting if we are on different pages - he says it would be spiteful to rip him away from his daughter if it’s just a piece of paper/it’s just a finance thing. And I see he doesn’t want to be parted from her. But that traps me doesn’t it. Carry on feeling humiliated. Even if he did a 180 now it would feel like he was nagged / dragged into it. I just don’t think we can go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend. It all seems to silly. We’ve been through so much together. Bereavements. Birth. It’s so rediculous. And yes I think he’s cottoning on to how serious I am about pulling the plug because I’ve started to distance myself and now he’s starting to talk like it “can” happen if we get the finances right. But it’s already tainted. I want someone the way I want them. It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s like one giant game.

It’s hurtful that he doesn’t want to marry you, OP, but he doesn’t, and you don’t want someone to marry you unwillingly.

He’s getting everything he wants from you without having to give much in return. Even after the painful loss of your mum and sister, he isn’t doing the one thing that might comfort you.

So I would just drop the idea of marrying him. You (and your DD) have a lot to lose financially, and nothing to gain.

Edited to say: cross-posted with your update. As others have pointed out, it costs hardly anything to marry at a register office, so his fussing about the cost is nonsense. Sounds as if he’s mainly living off you anyway.

He may well be starting to realise that marriage is the only way to keep his comfortable, well-funded life with you and DD. But if he really doesn’t feel that commitment, and leaves later anyway, you may have to sell your house to give him half your ‘joint’ assets.

Anyone who refers to marriage as “just a piece of paper” is talking crap!

are his other legal contracts “just pieces of paper?” How about his driving licence? Or work contract? Just pieces of paper??

I mean, in theory, if you married and split, you'd probably still be resident parent and he'd get something like a few evening and eow. He would have to pay you CM despite being the lower earner. And he'd have to think about housing etc too.

He probably wants to get in a better financial position before he assumes that risk.

You're not listening OP. Start using your brain, not your heart.

Not sure how old you are, is there any chance he's already married?

Plenty of couples do these things and then go on to get married…it’s very common.

And I'm very pleased for them.

However, as you'll see even from Mumsnet alone, plenty of couples don't.

So if marriage is important, it's not worth the risk of giving that person everything a married life affords and then getting upset when they don't want to go through with it.

The time for this was when you were pregnant. No wedding, no surname was what got 2 friends down the aisle. It is a financial contract and essential for the lower earners security. Who owns the house? What are your income levels?

Me. As explained. I’m higher earner. Own house outright. My name is purchased before we met. No mortgage.

Have you ever had a neutral conversation with him about marriage- one that isn’t emotional or tied to your relationship, but purely about what marriage actually means to him? Does he have married friends? Are his parents together, or did he grow up watching a marriage fall apart? These things shape people more than they realise. Couples counselling might help—not just to uncover why he’s hesitant, but also to give him the space to really hear why it matters so much to you.

Beyond marriage, how secure do you actually feel in this relationship? If marriage wasn’t on the table at all, would you still feel solid in his commitment? And does the fact that your daughter wasn’t planned add to a deeper feeling that he’s just coasting along, rather than choosing this life with you?

If marriage is non-negotiable for you—if you see it as the ultimate proof of love and commitment—then you cannot stay in a relationship where it’s never going to happen. Alternatively, you accept that you’re not in this for life—you’re in it for as long as it makes sense, for as long as it benefits your daughter.

if you really want to test where he stands, you could simply walk away and see what he does. If he’s willing to let you go? Then you have your answer.

It really does sound as if he just doesn't want to be married to you.

Don't marry him.
He doesn't deserve you.

You deserve someone who loves and wants you ... and puts your needs and wants before his own.

Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you were delaying the wedding due to financial reasons but you knew you really loved him and wanted to get married eventually. If he came to you one day and said getting married is really important to me and I want it to happen soon...what would you do??

I suspect because you loved him and it was going to happen anyway you would do something proactive at the very least plan something. He isn't doing any of that, not even talking about it. 4 years since your engagement...a year from your last frank conversation...and nothing.

Remember he is lucky to have you, you are worth having and if he doesn't start demonstrating that he understands that, then remember you have options and choices too. Don't sell yourself short for someone who doesn't appreciate you.