He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

It’s a shame that you have incompatible views on marriage. As someone who would like to have a good relationship but wouldn’t want to get married ,myself, it seems to me that you're putting a meaning on not being married that is not at all how he sees it, it’s only humiliating that he is not wanting to marry you if the reason for this is that he's rejecting you because he doesn’t think you’re good enough to commit to. Have you considered that this is not how he feels at all? Perhaps marriage doesn’t align with his values? Maybe the idea of it gives him huge anxiety? I think you should consider a shift in perspective and look more at how he treats you generally and what the quality of the relationship is that’s what actually matters in my humble opinion. If he is supportive and treats you with respect and you have fun etc… why are you forcing this unwelcome agenda on him? You are pushing him away. You know he isn’t religious but you were ok with that. I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who insisted I marry them, it would be suffocating. Maybe ask yourself what actually would the difference be between how things are now and you and him married?

This! You're the higher earner. You own your home outright. He's not a catch. I wouldn't necessarily leave him if you're happy day to day and have young children but I wouldn't get married. If you wake up one day and realise what a waste of space you've married it'll be gut wrenching to have to hand over half the house.

I think she'd be nuts to marry him, because he doesn't want to and why risk her financial future for someone who's not bothered. But I support her wish to be married and have that commitment, I just don't think it's with this guy sadly.

This is a good point. OP, how would you feel about choosing to stay unmarried to protect your own interests, would that feel any better if you framed it like that?

You deserve a man who is honest. This lying and obfuscation would be such a turn off for me. If he were honest about not wanting marriage you could have a rational discussion and make an informed decision. Instead he is trying to manipulate you.

I'm so sorry, OP. Wishing you the very best.

OP, how old are you?

If you leave you have the chance to meet someone amazing who is besotted with you and proposes in just the way you want and you could have an amazing romantic wedding with someone who can’t wait to marry you.

I think you’re grieving the idea of this, but it’s important to remember that you could still have it.

If you decide to leave him, one thing I would say is be sure that you'd prefer to be single than with him.

It's likely that you'll get someone else and be happy together, but it's not guaranteed. It would be a shame to leave him, not find anyone else, and then feel bitter at the world.

Much better/healthier to leave him, be content alone with your DC, and if the right man comes along then that would be the cherry on top of an already lovely life.

The fact he doesn't want any legal claim to your finances suggests at least he's not in it for himself?

So there's that.

Why do you want a marriage? For the public commitment? I couldn't live with someone I was unsure whether they were committed to spending the rest of our lives together... but then marriage doesn't guarantee that.

It sounds like he's crap at communicating and not really got any initiative. Not very self-analytical either, which isn't particularly attractive to me. What do you think your differences are ultimately, and is he able to talk about how you can navigate them?

She wants a small wedding, he wants no wedding, so not sure what compromise there is!

Also @Celebrity1999 have you had a proper look at what he would be legally entitled to in any divorce? You sound like a grafter and the idea that he could walk off with half after doing not very much at all should horrify you...

This is a really good idea. He shoildn’t get the benefits of marriage without committing to it.

I feel for you, and understand your frustration.

It isn't about whether marriage is 'right' or 'wrong'. Some people have clear views in favour or against marriage. For many they have a view that changes when they meet a particular person.

This is about him stringing you along / being dishonest / keeping you dangling about something that he knows is very important to you.

He's either been lying from the start, and never had any real intention of marrying you, or at some point he's changed his mind. Either way, he's not being honest. And he's taken decisions away from you by that honesty. If he'd said on day one 'by the way I intend never to get married' - would you have chosen to stay with him? He's taken that decision from you.

He may have a principled objection to marriage (in which case he should have said at the start) or he may just not want to marry you (in which case he should have been honest as soon as he realised that).

He knows this is important to you, but will neither make it happen or tell you why he doesn't want it to happen. This shows a lack of care for your feelings, a lack of concern about something he knows is really important to you.

So for me, this isn't about his or your views on marriage. It's about showing honesty and respect to your OH. His refusal to discuss it is worrying, disprectful and worryingly uncaring.

In your strong financial position I wouldn't be marrying this man. And I'm really not sure why you'd want to. You have everything to lose. Best decision I made was not to marry my DDs dad. It was my house. When he decided to ramp up the emotional abuse I just told him to leave.

This whole situation is lose-lose. Say he does marry you. You'll always be worrying if he did it under duress. How happy will you really be? He could also divorce you and take half of your assets (which could mean you have to sell your house to pay him off).

To be honest I don't know why you want to marry him. You're not compatible re: marriage. He tricked you into thinking you were by getting engaged. Rip off the plaster. Tell him to leave. Be with someone who loves and cherishes you.

He hasn’t said he wants no wedding has he? He isn’t talking to OP about the wedding, but perhaps she has made it clear that she wants a certain type of wedding and it is not what he wants. I would also baulk at spending over a few hundred quid to get married.

She's said she's happy with a registry office and meal - so that's why I'm asking where the compromise could be. What do you suggest?

She also says it's both the wedding AND the marriage that her partner reacts to.

Financially you are better off not married OP. It’s your house and in event of a split you wouldn’t have to buy him out, loose some of your pension etc.
It seems foolish to torpedo a relationship that’s working because he doesn’t feel you need to get married.
Marriage isn’t a magic cure if there’s something else in your relationship that’s bothering you .Forcing someone to do something they don’t want isn’t a solution.
What else is worrying you

Thanks eveyone. I’m only 33 (someone asked how old I am). I am not based in the Uk any more so not sure how that might affect the legal side of things. I will take some advice on this.
Thanks for all the viewpoints and information - I’ve got lots of help here.

OP, this was exactly me and is now exactly me! I was the bread winner, had a solo mortgage, we had a daughter etc but he dragged his heels and made me feel awful. We got engaged, booked the wedding had my dress etc than one humungous fight later he finally admitted he didn’t want to marry which I knew all along deep down but he was never honest with me. It’s soul destroying I totally get how you feel.

8 years later I’ve been with my man for 5 years, he’s a fabulous husband wonderful step dad and I feel valued every day. Ex is with someone and has never married but we have a great co parenting relationship and everyone is happy, especially my daughter.

Dont sell yourself short, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be. Good luck!

How's it going OP anymore conversation with him on this?

OP, as the higher earner - don't get married to him! You'd be worse off if you split and it looks likely that you might end up splitting anyway.

Keep your hard-earned cash to yourself and ditch him. Doesn't mean at all that he will be "cut-off" from his daughter, that's nonsense - you can coparent well together still,

Best of luck OP, he's been really unfair to you.