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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

219 replies

Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 14:08

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

OP posts:
BilboBlaggin · 31/01/2025 15:52

If he won't marry then it would be wise to organise some practical things. Get wills written up. Organise LPOAs in case one of you has an accident. As a pp said, currently you're not even his next of kin.

sometimesmovingforwards · 31/01/2025 16:06

JustFeedMeCake · 31/01/2025 14:30

I agree.

Sorry OP. If you're good enough to live with and have a child with then you're good enough to marry. I wouldn't put up with it either. It also, romance asides, puts you in a more secure position legally.

Show quote history

Yes marriage is more secure legally.

OP, you gave up the leverage you had by having a child with him before insisting you get married first.
He now has zero incentive to marry you.
To a degree its in his interests to not marry you as it’s a cheaper exit.

ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 16:12

If it's marriage that's important to you, rather than a wedding, why are you talking about wedding planning and venues and putting down deposits and things? Because neither of those things would be necessary if you just went to a register office on a weekday afternoon.

I suspect he just doesn't like the thought of spending thousands of pounds on a big wedding that he isn't bothered about. Have you actually suggested just getting married without a big wedding?

OnceUponASausage · 31/01/2025 16:14

Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 14:08

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

With a child then yes you probably do want him to marry you even if he has to be strong armed, at least that way if you split up (which if you do then you were going to anyway) you at least get half of what you’ve built together.

MayaPinion · 31/01/2025 16:16

If he wanted to marry you you’d be married by now. Men aren’t that complicated. When they want something you know about it.

Original poster
Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 16:28

Mirabai · 31/01/2025 15:42

It’s fine to want to be married for whatever reason, but for women with kids it’s preferable to be married for practical (legal and financial) reasons.

What is your financial + legal setup? Do you both work? Who owns the house? Do you have wills? Etc

Edited
Show quote history

I own it outright. No mortgate. I earn more.

OP posts:
GirlOfThe70s · 31/01/2025 16:28

It costs very little indeed to get married in a registry office, you can still dress up if you want to, and then go for a lovely lunch afterwards. So if it's finance that's worrying him, that's an option.

Original poster
Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 16:29

Maybe it’s a stupid decision to want to be married.

OP posts:
Whatwouldyoudonext333 · 31/01/2025 16:30

Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 15:10

I don’t know why marriage is so important. It just is. It’s normal to want to marry, no?
lots of very sensible answers. Thanks everyone.
I don’t think he believes I would ever leave.
it was so busy with the baby, then mum died, then my sister. But one thing that really brought things into focus: my sister was engaged and passed before she could marry. Her DF was devastated. He even said on her deathbed that life any busyness had just run away with them. It brought things into focus for me.

If the best reason to marry is because it’s normal, isn’t that telling you something?

I'm not trying to criticise you here- just get you to think about whether you’re sleep walking into something because you think it’s the next logical step.

people tend to want to marry to show their commitment, make a decision to build a life together, give financial security to build a family. But he is refusing to do the first one, you’ve already done the second and marriage will make YOU less financially secure. - the security will all be his.

Original poster
Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 16:31

I’ve also got a decent pension and savings. I worked my ass off in 20s and had an inheritencr from my mum. It would seem I’m a catch. Or not….

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 31/01/2025 16:31

Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 16:29

Maybe it’s a stupid decision to want to be married.

It's an emotional decision it's not stupid. BUT in your position he has a lot more to gain financially than you!

Whatwouldyoudonext333 · 31/01/2025 16:32

Celebrity1999 · 31/01/2025 16:28

I own it outright. No mortgate. I earn more.

Show quote history

If you marry, be prepared to give him half of the value of the house when you split.

why would you do that?

Does he have any assets?

WallaceinAnderland · 31/01/2025 16:35

It would not be in your best interests to marry. Should you split up he would get half the assets, including your pension.

ChaoticCrumble · 31/01/2025 16:36

People are right in saying you have more to lose if you do get married.

Nevertheless you want to be with someone who loves you so much they want to get marriage. If they're not bothered about marriage themselves, you want them to recognise how important it is to you.

I can totally see how hurtful that is. Awful as it is, you may need to weigh up (over time) if this is the right relationship for you. If you want more, you won't be satisfied in the long run. And you deserve more!

voubledision · 31/01/2025 16:39

Have you tried to ask him what his reasons are for not wanting marriage?
Why did he propose (presuming he did)
If your relationship is great in every other way maybe just accept what is, enjoy today and make a Will leaving everything to your daughter. It sounds like you stand to lose more if you were married and it failed.

So many couples who get into this situation end up marrying and then separating within the first year as the one who was opposed to marriage then feels trapped and calls time on the relationship.

Pamspeople · 31/01/2025 16:44

Some people just don't want to get married, not because they don't love their partner but because they don't want a fuss, for example. There's no way in a million years I would have wanted a big wedding or even a medium sized one! But if my partner really wanted to get married I would do it because it was important to them, and we'd try and find a compromise eg a registry office and a few friends for lunch.

Only you can know whether it's the wedding he doesn't want, or the marriage.

But if you've made it clear you're happy to only spend a few hundred quid and it's the marriage that matters rather than the wedding, and he still doesn't want to do something that means a lot to you, then I don't think he's a very loving partner.

And you'd be crazy to marry him if you've got the assets. Are you ready to give him a share when you split?

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 31/01/2025 16:44

I'm wondering why being married is so important to you? You already have a child. You say that everything else is good - you have a good sex life etc. You can get married in a registry office for a few quid.

I suspect that you are concerned about if he's truly committed to you which is understandable. Have you put this to him? Of course he will say 'of course I am - we have a child etc'. You need to have an honest conversation about why he doesn't want to make the legal commitment of marriage. I have a friend who's partner wouldn't get married - said was just a piece of paper. I said to her if it's just a piece of paper to him what's the problem? He developed cancer & (ironically) married her PDQ.

Hayley1256 · 31/01/2025 16:44

Based on you owning outright, ha ing the higher income and decent pension if you do ever marry please make sure you have a pre-nup. Could your DP be wanting to match you more financially before he marries you?

GoldMoon · 31/01/2025 16:51

We're having a simple registry wedding this year . Statement of intent 2 x £42 , ceremony £101 . Certificate/s £12 each .
Up to you ref clothes , rings and reception .

Absolute necessity is less than £200 .

faithbuffy · 31/01/2025 16:51

MayaPinion · 31/01/2025 16:16

If he wanted to marry you you’d be married by now. Men aren’t that complicated. When they want something you know about it.

I've always seen it like that
My parents were engaged 6 weeks after meeting. Married soon after. A lot of people thought my mum was pregnant (she wasn't!) but my dad said "I wanted to marry her and be married to her, why would I wait?"

Lots of side eye but they made it to 50 years

Pamspeople · 31/01/2025 16:52

What do you make of all the responses saying that you'll be in a worse position if you marry? Does it help to think that actually you can be the one to choose not to get married? You could choose to stay in the relationship if you're otherwise happy with him, take marriage to him off the table but because it's better for you, rather than focusing on what he wants.

Octoberfest · 31/01/2025 16:54

Setting all emotion and romantic notions aside (impossible I know), given your strong financial position, I actually think you'd be better off NOT marrying this chap, especially given his reluctance to tie the knot.

wrongthinker · 31/01/2025 16:54

Omg don't marry him. He doesn't want to marry you and you are way better off unmarried.

Stop asking him. See how you feel in the relationship in six months to a year. You've had a rough time lately and this is maybe a way of focusing your grief and sadness. Either way, let it go for a while and try to focus on your daughter and your career and hobbies.

Midnightlove · 31/01/2025 16:56

I would want to know why he doesn't want to marry you.. does he just not agree with marriage? Does he not want to "waste" money that could be spent elsewhere? Is it because he's unsure he wants to stay in the relationship? He needs to be honest and explain why

Pamspeople · 31/01/2025 16:57

wrongthinker · 31/01/2025 16:54

Omg don't marry him. He doesn't want to marry you and you are way better off unmarried.

Stop asking him. See how you feel in the relationship in six months to a year. You've had a rough time lately and this is maybe a way of focusing your grief and sadness. Either way, let it go for a while and try to focus on your daughter and your career and hobbies.

Love this response, take your time OP

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