He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

Why on earth would you choose to risk half your property and pension?

Just keep him as a boyfriend and safeguard your financial security.

So sorry about your bereavements.

Your say you own your property outright, are the higher earner, higher pension etc.

In your situation I’d not marry him! Doesn’t make financial sense and if he isn’t truly committed to you you’d lose loads if married then divorced.

Would make no work compromises he doesn’t, prioritise your personal financial security, and make a good will and suggest he does so as well.

Ultimately op you want him to want to marry you and it's clear he doesn't or he would have already.
You could give him and ultimation and he might cave and agree but is that what you want- a marriage at any cost?

I think in your shoes I'd try and make peace with the lack of marriage especially as a he doesn't seem keen and you stand to lose so much if you did marry and they marriage failed . Marriages fail where both partners are certain, the odds when one partner has to be dragged to the alter are surely far worse and remember your house safeguards your daughters financial future so that bates thinking about as well .

I think this goes to the heart of it OP. He should want to marry you, you are a catch! Totally solvent, higher earner, with a property you own outright. And what’s more you’ve given him a daughter, a child - what more could you do?

by everything that’s reasonable he should want to marry you

and because he doesn’t, you feel that you’re in some way not good enough

which is clearly nonsense but I can see why you feel so sad about it all

On this basis …. You really should not be thinking about getting married. If you do, he will be entitled to half of everything, everything that is currently yours. Frankly, I’d just let things drift as they are, given you are happy in all respects other than having his ring on your finger. Make sure he pays his way for bills (but is NOT paying towards a mortgage or for renovations/extensions as this gives him an entitlement to a share in your assets, which you should be protecting for your self and your child) and that he contributes towards costs for your DD (after school clubs, nursery fees etc) and thank your lucky stars that you are financially secure without him.

Financially, from what you've said, YOU should stay unmarried

Much better

If you want marriage, it won't be this guy who marries you

He doesn't want to

So......WHY do you want to be married when financially YOU are better off NOT marrying

What's the reasoning?

You say religion....but you're living together and have a child. So religion isn't THAT big of a deal, is it? Be honest

Is getting married really about you feeling truly loved and wanted?

In which case, don't marry this guy. Because he doesn't love or want you in that way

I’m so sorry op, I can’t get over that he’d buy you a ring and look at venues with no intention of getting married. That’s really quite shitty behaviour to get your hopes up like that. I think you would be more than entitled to leave him for that.

There’s no way I’d get married in this situation OP. Especially if he’s not that bothered. If he leaves down the line he’ll be entitled to a portion of your house, pension and inheritance.

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!

You own your own home, mortgage free, have a good pension, income etc and are suggesting that you strong-arm someone who clearly doesn't want to marry you into a position where you could lose half of everything you have.

If I were you, I'd give him back your engagement ring and ask him to move out tonight.

He's made his position clear, you need to take some time to think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't interested in marrying you.

Give him a week or so of sofa-surfing/living with his parents and he'll be begging to come back.

Then you can decide IF you want him to, but even if you decide to let him live with you again, don't marry him. You'd literally be throwing half your money away.

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!

Absolutely this

And if by some miracle you DO manage to drag him down the aisle - make sure he signs a watertight pre-nup

If you do get married make sure you get a prenup (although I heard somewhere that they are not easy to uphold?)
Would you (and him) be happy with a quiet ceremony only? Is the cost stopping him? Or the overwhelm of how many things will need to be booked and juggled for 1 day?

Cynically I'd be interested in if any of these would change his mind:

Lack of willingness to speak or engage about the things that interest him such as sex

Or

Whether his ego would be dented if he realised you didn't actually want to marry him anymore because you're the higher earner

Also a man who needed this level of ultimatum to decide if he wants to marry me wouldn't be one I'd be arsed with longer term!

This. As stated above, do NOT risk your security and that of your DD by marrying this man. In fact, it’s a blessed relief he isn’t smart enough to realise the opportunity he’s missed by NOT marrying you.

You're fighting for a piece of paper that entitles him to have half your house!

It's not in your interests to marry him. If you split up and he goes off and has kids woth someone else, it will dilute everything you have and will post likely leave to your daughter in time.

You're not unreasonable to want to be married. The problem is, do you want to be married to someone who has to be persuaded/nagged/blackmailed into marrying you? Personally I wouldn't want to marry someone unless they really wanted to marry me!

I guess you have to ask yourself if you can be happy without the marriage certificate? Only you can answer that, it may be that the resentment will always be there. If you decide to stay and not marry, make sure you safeguard yourself financially.

You ARE an independent woman who has considerable financial security - far more than him. The cheek of him, not wanting to marry you?! The sooner you get into the headspace of believing (really believing) that marriage doesn't equal romance or the perfect relationship, the freer you will be.

If I were in your (very enviable) position, I would do as PP suggest, set up lasting power of attorney and keep yourself as a single woman. Engagement means nothing really, keep the ring - it doesn't tie you to this man at all.

You have your own home, pension, finances. How lucky that these are yours and yours alone. Please start thinking of your position in a new way, it's so, so fortunate.

I truly hope that you never marry him - not even if he got down on bended knee. Means nothing, nothing at all. Stupid man thinking that his opinion trumps yours... you hold all the cards. All of them.

So stay unmarried. Better for you

It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer and I’m so sorry for your losses - I think it’s inevitable you’re reflecting on what’s important to you now.

I was where you are - we'd been together 7 years and had made it v.clear I wanted marriage. He’d said he did too but nothing happening. Eventually at the 8 year mark just when I'd given up on it happening (and probably because I'd given up), he did propose and we got married shortly after.

Like you I wanted to be married - I wasn’t fussed about the dress / wedding etc. but it felt like an important signifier that we were really committing to each other. I wanted to be his ‘wife’.

BUT, I am and always have earned more than him. I received an inheritance which is now a joint asset. We own a property together which I put a larger deposit down on. We have a kid together. Even without marriage we are committed for life because of our child. But if we split up for any reason, I’m the one that will significantly loose out financially. It can at times make me feel a bit trapped.

So I’d think very carefully about protecting yourself financially - it really might not be in your best interest.

It sounds like he is stringing you along. But it might not be malicious, he might not want marriage, but he might have agreed to keep you happy.
Or he genuinely might be needing a while to warm up to it (that’s definitely the case with my DH, once we’d got married he was fully committed but he dragged his heels getting there!).

Only you know whether you’d rather be single than be with him and not married. But I wonder if there are other ways he could show his commitment to you without you being legally worse off. Not sure what that looks like - but legally changing surnames so they’re the same for example?

Also consider - is it fair of you to make him do something he doesn't want to do, to keep you happy?

I don’t want to drag him down the aisle. That’s the point. All of this has ruined it a bit.

Yes it’s exactly this. I’m so fucking sad about it all. I want to feel loved and treasured. Marriage is a part of it. I just don’t. I feel humiliated in all honesty. He should feel lucky to have me. He doesn’t. Maybe in some alternative universe I’m someone’s dream girl.

and where now? What the hell do you do after a broken engagement? I can’t see any way to salvage the relationship feeling sad, betrayed and humiliated. I know this isn’t going to end well.

Honestly, if I was exactly who I am but male, I'd not want to get married either for the reasons the OP states. I'd be more inclined to marry to give my female partner financial security than because her religious beliefs say we should get married. To make an "honest woman" of her or whatever. I don't hold those values.
.he's obviously not being selfish and taking a legal claim to half her stuff so I don't see the problem.

I know someone like this. She has two children with her partner and would love to be married but her partner doesn't want to. She really feels stuck now but I know it hurts her .
It's a difficult one because if you are really happy other than this it's a hard choice. I think sometimes women might feel embarrassed that their partners won't get married, that the partner doesn't love them enough , that they want to be free to move on etc. I wonder what he would say if you spoke to him about this saying I know you love me and love our child but I cannot understand why you don't want to get married. Can you explain why? Is it that you don't see a future for us? Any reasonable man should be able to answer this.

I thought you said its otherwise a great relationship? Is marriage the only way you'd feel.treasured?

Don’t marry him, have me!

Bless you. Wait. Wait quite a while. Have a rethink. See if you can persuade yourself that actually you are happier- more secure, better off- without marrying.

Think about what it actually is you want to accomplish with marriage.

Is there another way you can achieve the same thing? Like, his and hers tattoos, or the whole phial of blood thing that couple did… Really focus on the purpose of it, and what would make you happy.