He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

NRTFT

If religious reasons are SO important to you, surely that would include having a child out of wedlock? Apologies if I've misconstrued

if he wanted to marry you he would. And forcing him with an ultimatum is a waste of time. Honestly - easier to leave now rather than an expensive divorce later.

I get what you mean. There's nothing like a little bit of an undercurrent of bitterness to nag away at you. However after reading your financial status I can see why it could be better to stay single or have a pre nup.

Are you sure you want to marry… when you could kick him to the curb!

Make a list of his qualities, the good things.
Then a list of bad things.
How would you advise your daughter if it were her, based on that list?

What’s his reason for not marrying? Money? He feels inferior? Could you do a registry office wedding?

Only you know his worth, is he worthy of you?

Well yes in a surface way we get along very well. And have fun. Fantastic sex. Until I mention the engagement ring and the wedding that was meant to follow. That puts a spanner on the works.

I think it's important to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to get married, and work from there. His reasons for not wanting to do so, may make you feel more sympathetic and less bitter about it. Or perhaps the issues can be looked into and "fixed". Or just him being honest with himself, will allow him to move past whatever it is. Or just maybe, if you think his reasons are stupid and he won't budge, you'll be more sure of your decision to leave. Before you know his reasons, I don't think you can move forward.

But it'll have to be a frank conversation. Something like "What exactly, are your reasons for not wanting to get married? Please don't insult me by telling me it's a timing / money thing. This is important to me and I want to know". Bear in mind, he might not fully know himself, in which case, he'll have to do some soul searching and have a hard think to work out why.

It's hard OP.

He needs to be honest. He shouldn't be dangling the promise of marriage if he isn't planning on following through.

It's hard to articulate why you want to get married or not. It's usually quite deep seated. In the same way you find it hard to say why you do, he may find it hard to explain why he doesn't. Is there room for therapy/negation in this from both sides? You can explore this.

But first thing to establish is if he does or doesn't. The why or why not comes later.

Equip yourself with the information. I imagine it might be clearer from that point.

Does he share your religious beliefs?

No - you are right. It was the wrong way round!

Does he share your religious beliefs?

No. He’s agnostic/atheist occasionally.

Ok then definitely don’t marry him.

I'm in a similar situation (no kids).
I have said that's what will end our relationship

@TunipTheVegimal24 👌👌👌

Agree.
Also...
It's insulting he's fobbing you off with excuses, going through the motions now and again but throwing the brakes on when it comes to the crunch.

Maybe his reasons for not marrying are as vital as yours are for wanting to... But this wishy washy limbo is the worst of both worlds.

He should at least respect your wishes enough to let you know where he stands, so the two positions can be weighed up and you can decide if you can reconcile to what he is actually offering you...
Because right now what's on the table is a facade and he's just saying what you want to hear once in a while so as to not rock the boat.

In part that's what is so upsetting.

He is paying lip service to your deepest desires.

I’ve had the hard chat. I’ve said please just be honest and he insists it’s just finance. It is t though. I’ve said I’m fine with something simple. He’s very tight with money. He’d say frugal but …he didn’t have much growing up and I get that (me neither) and that inspired a drive in me and something we had in common. He doesn’t earn a huge amount and I pay for a lot of things we do (kids activities/days out/birthday parties) but he does contribute towards the bills. And I keep coming back to the point: yes - absolutely fine to be concerned about money but to do nothing in 4 years. No saving. Nothing. Is something different.

Oh lovey, I am sorry xx

you could try saying to him what you’ve said there, so that’s he’s under no illusion how you feel but it’s a risky tactic

if you lay yourself out there and he still won’t marry you, then I can’t see how you could stay

So really you're asking him to do this to honour a God he doesn't even really believe in and youre kind of picking and choosing what parts of the religion you find to be important. You didn't even pick a guy who shares those values so you'd be on the same page about their significance.

If you have a good relationship and he's a good father, I have no idea why you'd let something like marriage which would actually be to your legal detriment ruin your family life. It will be much harder to find a decent husband as a single mum.

With your update that you own your house outright I'd think about it.
Although I do get your feelings of rejection.

I think you need to tell him how this all makes you feel. I get you. But his reaction to hearing how sad and humiliated you feel at his lack of wanting you will probably tell you all you need to know.

I would also have in mind what might be an acceptable alternative if it’s not you, it’s the institution of marriage. Is there anything else he could do to show you how important you are to him?

I pay for a lot of things we do (kids activities/days out/birthday parties) but he does contribute towards the bills. And I keep coming back to the point: yes - absolutely fine to be concerned about money but to do nothing in 4 years. No saving. Nothing. Is something different

Dear God ....what a waste of fucking space this man is

A registry office ceremony isn’t hugely expensive.
He’s bullshitting.
I’d gather the courage to give him the engagement ring back and ask him to leave.

@Celebrity1999 Do not, under these circumstances, push someone who's not arsed about marrying you into marriage.

If marriage is important to you, and he knows it is and is stringing you along for years, please ask yourself if he is truly making you happy?

Do you feel loved and cherished? If not, then perhaps time to reconsider the whole thing.

I certainly would not be encouraging you to ever marry this man. Your decision is to stay with him under the current arrangements and accept that this is enough, or leave and find someone who can't imagine being without you and wants to marry you.

If you do decide to walk. I would counsel you not to absolutely not accept any sudden rush to arrange a wedding that may arise once you say that you're leaving. It would not be from the heart and you have much to lose.

Why? Because he isn't the highest earner. I must be a waste of fucking space too.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, you've been through such a lot in the last few months.

Apologies if this has already been said, IMO, you've lost 2 people very close to you and one suddenly, I think you need time to grieve and not make any big decisions right now. You're happy, healthy and I assume your DP and little girl are too. Focus on you right now and don't think about leaving a happy home and relationship for this reason alone.

It's important to you and he should take time to sit down and have a proper conversation with you, not go and see venues and fob you off. If you are happy with a very low key wedding mention that and take it from there.

OP please don’t marry him . I’m so sorry for your losses , wanting to get married in your circumstances is so understandable . However he’s shown that marrying you is not his priority , you are not his priority . Do not marry someone who does not think making you happy is a priority . Keep your home and your pension and enjoy your gorgeous DD . She is your family . There is plenty of time left for you to meet someone who thinks that you are the centre of their universe and can’t wait to marry you . A dear friend of mine has recently married for the second time at 52 - they are each others ideal and so obviously in love .