He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

If your both happy why not just continue? I don't understand why marriage is so important to you if otherwise you have a happy relationship?

If he wanted to ... he would.

Just add most be would rather have a happy relationship that doesn't involve marriage

You've gone ahead and done all the things couples do without marrying. Therefore marriage is not as important to you as you seem to think. And even now you are saying that you don't want to leave him.

He knows this. He knows that you won't leave and you will stay with him, unmarried, for the rest of your life. He's happy with that and as you are not doing anything about it, it looks like you are happy with it too.

What would he do if you said you want to separate because he clearly doesn't want to marry you?

I'll tell you what. He'd say he does want to marry you and he will when the time is right. And you will continue like this, unmarried, forever.

He's been really unfair OP. He's actively stringing you along when he has no intention of getting married.

Wanting to be married is perfectly reasonable. He would prefer all of the advantages (a lovely partner, shared home, a resident parent for his daughter, regular sex) without having to make the commitment.

He is being hugely disrespectful of you especially as he knows how you feel. For this reason alone I would find it hard to stay. He's dismissing your wishes while pretending he's not.

Take a pause. Tell him you are re evaluating what you want in the wake of two such important losses.

It’s a good time to pause and really assess what’s important.

You wanted him to want to marry you. He doesn’t.
You wanted him to want to make you happy in that specific way. He doesn’t.
Is he making you happy in ways that make up for it?

For me, the spinning you along is the issue. If he didn’t want to marry, he should have said so so that you could make a decision that worked for you. Instead he’s pushing you into the position of bad guy, never happy etc.

I think I’d walk, and let him do 50/50. Your DD gets two loving homes instead of one.

He has made it clear that he will not marry you. Leave him and find someone who does - you are unhappy with your life now - it’s up to you to change it.

OP if you're the higher earner, you might be better not getting married, in terms of his claim to your assets.

How do you feel with him otherwise? Do you feel safe and loved, are you true partners in bringing up your child?

Has he done a will, and how do you get on with his parents?

Just to clarify for those who don’t see the importance of- you are not his next of kin. Everything he owns will be left in trust to his DD.

I think for men its just much less of a big deal, especially as you already kive together and have a child. He will just see it
as a waste of money.

I'd ask him why he proposed in the first place if he doesn't want to get married? And tell him you will give the ring back and no longer be his fiancée if he isn't going to come good on the proposal. If he won't take the next step forward, then take the next step back. He can't have a ring on your finger showing you are 'spoken for' if he won't commit.

@Celebrity1999 you say you want marriage, but have you really questioned why?

I say that as someone who was desperate to be married and really drove the issue with my now ex H.

I was also the higher earner, had all the assets so it was actually a very bad move for me and cost me a lot.

marriage is a financial decision- not just a romantic one.

it doesn’t sound like it’s in your best interests.

I can understand wanting the ‘idea’ of marriage - I did. But the commitment, love, family, security isn’t any more likely to be there with this particular partner just because you have a ceremony. Marriage won’t change him. All these things are possible without marriage and he isn’t giving it to you now.

If you are the higher earner, he's crazy not to marry you because it's clearly in his financial interests. OTOH you should probably swerve marrying him, unless you want to (probably) be giving him a lump of your savings in a few years.

It sounds as though you are romanticising a little about what is fundamentally a legal arrangement, and nothing more. I have a male friend in a similar position to your DH and he was half-jokingly looking for a way to have a wedding "do" to satisfy his OH in a way that wouldn't be legally recognised in the UK.

From the dates you give, you became engaged when you fell pregnant? Ie he either asked you to marry him or you both agreed you would get married in response to finding yourself with a child on the way?

If I’ve got that right, I’d say that he really doesn’t want to get married at all and has always been stringing you along. It’s not about what he feels for you, just that I don’t think he ever planned on marrying you but has been too much of a coward to be up front about it?

I think you may need to face up to the fact that your engagement is a sham and sort out your finances so that you and your DD are protected in a split. Then you need to decide whether you want to remain together in the honest knowledge that he doesn’t want to be married and that this is unlikely to change (if having a child didn’t change his feelings, what else is likely to?).

But you would not be happy as larry. As you would be putting aside what you want. the lack of commitment on his part is whats really bothering you so no you cant juat let it go, its runs deeper than a wedding

Sounds like he gave you a 'shut up ring', with no intention to legally become your family. Believe him, and choose whether you want to keep him on as a boyfriend/date other boyfriends/dump him.

This is the crux of it really.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain and say wait a while before you do anything drastic. Losing your Dmum and Dsis is tough. You really don't need any more huge emotional upheavals when you're still feeling fragile. If the rest of life is good, maybe give yourself a while. You can try talking to him again, if you think it will help. But be kind to yourself while you are still grieving.

I don’t know why marriage is so important. It just is. It’s normal to want to marry, no?
lots of very sensible answers. Thanks everyone.
I don’t think he believes I would ever leave.
it was so busy with the baby, then mum died, then my sister. But one thing that really brought things into focus: my sister was engaged and passed before she could marry. Her DF was devastated. He even said on her deathbed that life any busyness had just run away with them. It brought things into focus for me.

Agree about not making big decisions while you're grieving, there's no rush.

It sounds like your head and heart are telling you he doesn't want to get married. That could mean different things

• it could be that he's absolutely committed to you and your child and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but just hates the thought of getting married. Could be political, or hates fuss or being the centre of attention, or thinks you want an expensive or big wedding. In which case explaining that you're happy with something very small and that it means such a lot to you should be enough for him to compromise to make you happy. Book the registry office and bobs your uncle.
• -or it might be that he doesn't want to get married because he's not truly committed to being a lifetime partner to you and father to your child. In which case you have a very different outlook

You must have a hunch after all these years which it is.

OP, taking away the 'romance' reasons for marriage, which don't really exist - it's a contract - you would be so much better off as the higher earner not to marry him at all.

In fact, if you are able to distance yourself from the idealism of marriage and focus on the cold, hard facts that it is a contract, you could be happy with your current state. If you ever get there then tell him that you no longer want to be married to him at all.

And go on with your life as it is but without him holding this 'marriage card'. Who knows what the future holds but let no man hold your happiness in his hands.

Some people just don’t feel the need to marry doesn’t mean they are any less committed to there partner

the engagement was to get you off his back

I don’t know why marriage is so important. It just is. It’s normal to want to marry, no?

I think there is increasingly no “normal” when it comes to marriage and relationships. FWIW I don’t think it’s “normal” (whatever that means!) to be so intent on doing something that is not in your financial interests or those of your DD.

It’s fine to want to be married for whatever reason, but for women with kids it’s preferable to be married for practical (legal and financial) reasons.

What is your financial + legal setup? Do you both work? Who owns the house? Do you have wills? Etc

FWIW I don’t think it’s “normal” (whatever that means!) to be so intent on doing something that is not in your financial interests or those of your DD.

Edit: Found the reference - we don’t know who owns their home.

I wonder why he is against it as especially you are the higher earner and if he did not want to marry you, still could marry you, divorce you and screw you over.

Or he is waiting the amazing princess to land at his lap