He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

Just drop it OP. If you are happy, you are winning over the majority of married couples who hate each others guts. If you drop it he may surprise you down the line or he may never want to get married but why ruin a good thing? Parents splitting up,whether people like to admit it or not, fucks kids up. We all know it. Sometimes the split needs to happen because they're miserable or there is abuse but you have none of that. Just enjoy being happy together!!

If you do decide to stay, get a cohabitation agreement drawn up so he can't put in a claim on your house regardless. And draw up a will so your dd inherits.
If he doesn't want to commit to you, then he doesn't get to walk away with ££££s.

OMG, a cocklodger to boot!

Get rid

In time, find another relationship and ensure you both want marriage.

Wait a minute.,,

he’s contributing 50% to bills
He doesn’t need to contribute rent or mortgage, and you cover all the treats and lits of things for your DD.

And he hasn’t managed to save? That’s mental! He’s got a really inexpensive set up.

He should be rolling in it.

Well yes! He’s not a huge earner but he has no rent or mortgage. When I met him he had no savings or pension. I’ve helped him get those in place. Honestly sometimes I feel this man is completely blind. I veer between wanting to sob and raging.

all this aside I love him. It’s hard to just leave.

He does have some savings and I get it would be daft to wipe them out on a wedding. Also I’ve offered to share the cost. It’s just me pushing pushing pushing. It’s not right.

I need to gather some strength and rip the plaster off.

Ok straight talk:

I get it. I understand that you're in pain. He knows this is important to you, but that's not enough for him.

However, because of how you feel - his lack of following through on the promise he made you - the reality is that this relationship is on thin ice. You will never feel the way would about him if he wasn't stringing you on like this. A marriage won't fix that feeling; he can't take back the time that has passed.

Given that, don't rush to a marriage even if he agrees. You are financially in a way better position if you don't. I think the chances are this won't last the distance because you'll always feel let down, and in that case you don't want to hand over half your wealth to a guy who didn't treat you with respect.

What you decide to do next - swallow it as life is generally happy even though he's disappointed you, or make a fresh start - is up to you.

At an age of 52, marriage no longer seems that important when you have happiness, a man who loves you and security.
I would say make sure that you are secure though in terms of being on the deeds of the house etc.
Don't destroy a good relationship for a very expensive day out and a certificate.

What religious reasons mean marriage is important but allow sex and children to be born?

He doesn't want to marry you. He values his money more than his child.

Registry office, nice lunch. Done.

Listen. I’ve answered this and the phrasing of this is somewhat mean. I didn’t mean to get pregnant. But I did. But please sod off questioning my relationship with God.

I think you actually aren’t that well suited. He’s a bit ‘in the moment’. He doesn’t plan and prepare.

You by contrast are a planner, a preparer, a security builder. And a home maker, nest builder.

Apart from being a loving dad, what does he contribute? I mean, is he very hot on diy, decorating, cleaning? What is his responsibility in the family?

Tbh he's being really thick not marrying you. He'd be so much better off after a divorce so I wonder what is going on here.

Best option stay and remain unmarried or leave. Marrying him is the worst option.

Sorry for your bereavements. Don't be influenced by your late sisters fiancé.

I posted before I saw there were more pages. I doubt God cares whether you have a child out of wedlock or not but you carry on. You're clearly unhappy and I'm sorry about that.

Maybe he does want to get married but thinks spending a load of money is a waste? I don’t think a disagreement about the kind of wedding you want is enough to break up about. Would you both be able to compromise?

He’s very tight with money. He’d say frugal but …

Ah, this is it. Tight people are tight with everything else. It is a sort of mental illness - constantly calculating the worth to themselves of everything. Always keeping tabs, always checking the balance on that internal ledger, always constantly calculating whether they have made a profit, got the better side of the deal. It isn't just money that misers hold on to. I bet you already know this, but you have been busy blinding yourself by writing it off as a quirk 'cos his poor, sad, deprived childhood or something.

When you have a spreadsheet constantly open inside you where your heart should be, it is an easy equation. There is no value to him in giving you what would make you happy.

On his side of the equation he has everything he needs, sex, child, comfortable house, disposable income, whatever else. On the other side of the equation, your side, is 'it would make her happy'. When someone is tight, that side has no real impact on the equation.

PLUS, lets be honest, he is also deeply stupid, because he hasn't actually calculated properly and he will be worse off financially when you leave. Miserliness is IMO the most off-putting characteristic a partner can have, and stupidity is a close second...

So, you can force the issue. You leaving him would do this. I can PROMISE he will suddenly be booking a wedding because he will all of a sudden, understand he has severely miscalculated those two sides of his ledger. He has made a serious error in his spreadsheet.

Unfortunately by then you will have seen inside him. Who wants to be having to force the person that should love them and want to do it, down the aisle?

Your quote "Well yes! He’s not a huge earner but he has no rent or mortgage. When I met him he had no savings or pension. I’ve helped him get those in place. Honestly sometimes I feel this man is completely blind. I veer between wanting to sob and raging.

all this aside I love him. It’s hard to just leave.".

You're best off not marrying him.

@Celebrity1999 suggest to elope. Gretna green or similar will cost little. Or a church wedding but just you 2 and your girl.

He sounds quite the catch. I’m sure we can all see why you are so desperate to put a ring on his finger. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@Celebrity1999 as you’re the higher earner, more financially savvy, own your own house, I’m sure you’re aware it’s fiscally better for you NOT to marry him. That aside, marriage is no guarantee you won’t end up as a single parent, as many here will tell you. If you really love him, don’t want to leave and disrupt your otherwise happy life, have you really thought what it is about a wedding or marriage that you crave? Is it the public display/declaration? The thing everyone does? Friends are getting married? Why are you SO keen to get married? Maybe if you can find the deep reason you want this, when he is so reluctant, it might be easier to make a decision. If you need to….

Many years ago I remember watching DH very seriously giving my mum his opinion on the choice of font for our wedding invitations. I knew he didn't much care but it mattered to her and he was prepared to jump through any hoops to do things properly, and show it.

My point is that a man who wants to marry you is really committed. You can't miss his enthusiasm, his certainty.

This guy doesn't want a lifelong relationship with you. I'm sorry but it's simple as. What you do with this information is up to you.

You'd be a fool to marry a man who doesn't want to marry you when you stand to lose so much if you later divorce.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

This is the reason why he doesn't want to get married, it's because you'll get rights once you sign your name.

OP, this was me. You need to TAKE BACK YOUR POWER 🙂 you can do this!
You know now that whatever he says, you won't get that feeling that you wanted, the level of commitment and reassurance that you feel for him. So take control, decide that you no longer want to get married. Things have changed since he proposed. Give him back his ring and ask for your engagement gift back. Explain, calmly and briefly, that you love him and view him as a long term committed partner, but you have realised that marriage is not right for you at this time.

As PP have said, it's financially definitely not a good move for you. You have everything to lose and he has so much to gain. (At least you know he's not with you for this reason!) You can explain that particularly with your dear late DM's inheritance, you've realised you need to take steps to ensure your financial independence and security.

Then smile and give him a hug and tell him nothing will change. He's your partner, not your fiancé - nothing wrong with that.

Get your finances in order, plan pension etc and find your secure feeling yourself - you don't need him to give you that.

This feels bang on to me. He’s one of those appalling human calculators, and actually your feelings don’t really have much weight when he’s balancing the books. The fact he may have to shell out for something he deems unnecessary (because, of course, he’s perfectly happy with the status quo) will be a painful prospect for him, and he’s blind to the fact that this may be the dealbreaker that will see him worse off in every respect.

But I just don’t know how your relationship can ever recover from this either way, OP. If he agrees to marry you under duress, it’ll feel just awful. If he suddenly has a change of heart, you’ll be suspicious that he’s simply realised what he’s about to lose - as opposed to enthusiastically embracing and wanting a shared future together. So he’s fucked the whole thing one way or the other.

You sound lovely and a real catch. The father of your child (who also lives rent free under your roof!), should be thanking his lucky stars and hustling you down the aisle because he can’t wait to be your husband, not needing to be dragged down it with his arm twisted.