He’s stringing me along isn’t he…😞

[Celebrity1999]

Hi everyone. Sigh. I need a handhold and to be told what I already know deep down.
DP and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 4(!!) have a 3.5 year old daughter. I keep asking about wedding planning - have done for a few years. There’s always a financial reason why not. I’ve always been upfront that marriage is very important to me. Religious reasons and lots of others. We’ve gone round in circles “I’ll sort it…I just need to x/y/z’. We’ve been together to look at venues. Looked at dates. When push comes to shove he always wants to hold off putting a deposit down.

I’ve become very very frustrated about the situation. Frankly I feel trapped. I don’t want to uproot our frankly lovely life and daughters upbringing (we are happy! Great sex life, great friends) by pulling the rug but I feel myself growing increasingly bitter by his refusal to just bloody well put his money where his mouth is. It’s not like I wanted a huge wedding. It was going to be small and inexpensive. It’s not about him earning more. I’m considerably better off than him. When I bring it up (it’s always me!!!) he says that pushing him and nagging him isn’t encouraging him to move forwards. He’s always up for a conversation about sex or time spent in that way. Never anything about the wedding. I gave him a serious talk last year about the fact that if it doesn’t happen soon we need to reevaluate our relationship but do I want a man to marry me cos he’s strong armed into it? Not the dream scenario. I’m so frustrated and on the edge of tears a lot. I feel rejected and pretty shit about myself if I’m honest. Do I just walk away? Is he bullshitting me?!
I suspect so. But the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t want to be a single mum.

please be kind. I’m fragile AF right now.

If you both genuinely wanted to get married and it was genuinely about financial reasons you'd be at a registry office doing it for cheap.

So either you want a big expensive wedding and it's not about being married, or it's not about the money and he just doesn't want to get married. Or both.

If you are both serious about it, you sit down, work out a budget, work out how much you can save per month, set your date based on that, and start saving. If he won't do that either he doesn't want to get married.

They are pieces of paper. They are though pieces of paper with legal heft. Contracts are binding and difficult to get out of.

Marriages are not about love, desire, any of that - they are legal contracts with severe financial implications. Signed and sealed. On paper.

Thanks. This is spot on. It’s fucked no matter what really. Don’t get married? Fucked. Cos a broken engagement really makes for a happy settled house. Marry me under duress? Doesn’t feel right? Have a change of heart? I’ll just always worry you did it for the wrong reasons. No matter what happens I need to end this. fuck.

thanks to everyone. You’ve made me think clearly and articulated some thinking I’ve struggled with. DD asleep so I’m off for a wine and a huuuuuge cry.

Hopefully I’ll be back to tell you all in 5 years time that I met the man of my dreams and we are happily married 😭❤️

I hope so too!

I think I know the real reason why you want to marry him, it's because he's saying NO.

You are driven and successful. You've worked your way up the career ladder, you've had a baby, you've got your own house, savings, a decent pension, a good income. You've ticked all the boxes, aside from the one that says "wife".

I am willing to bet that if you did actually marry him, the shine would go off him pretty quick.

You've got a mediocre man that is incapable of managing his own life (starting a pension, saving money etc) without your help. He doesn't actively make decisions, he's passive and meanders through life, while you're out there making things happen, he's just coming along for the ride.

You want him because you can't have him.

There are thousands of guys who would see you for the catch you are, please don't devalue yourself with this man, don't settle. Hold out for someone who can't wait to marry you and be your one and only.

Oh bless you OP. As a PP said you sound like a catch!! Financially this marriage is only going to benefit him. So why won't he do it?

Is there a chance he feels embarrassed at the idea of not giving you a big lavish wedding?? Especially as you're the breadwinner. I'd ensure you make it CRYSTAL clear you would be completely happy with a service and nothing more - I know you said you've told him, but it doesn't sound communication is very clear between you two. Make it extremely clear. Multiple times.

If there's still no movement to set a timely date, I'd call it a day to be honest OP :(

Sorry to hear about your son and mum, what a horrible time for you xx

It's very simple, if he wanted to he would, he just doesn't want to marry you

He gave you a shut up ring.

I wouldn't let this be a dealbreaker. You say he's a good dad, you get on well, the sex is great and you love him. Not marrying him protects your assets. Perhaps focus on the good parts of not being married?

I think there may be a lot of truth in this post.
I also think you can do better in the longterm, and find someone who's on the same page as you, and makes you feel more valued and loved.
I hope it all works out for you.

She would also have to set aside her own values, subjugate them to his preferences but bypassing the part where two people weigh measure and consider one another's position before a decision is made which takes both parties seriously.
It's the wooden spoon of a decision making process, the 'he won't properly engage so just do the mental gymnastics necessary to go along with it anyway' version.
If he put his cards on the table and refused to marry, op could respect that and decide her reaction, may even decide it was fair enough. But his obfuscation and slippery-ness means he reacts to her feelings as an irrelevance, so any choice she makes has that at the heart of it.

You are right, he doesn't sound committed.
Wedding doesn't have to be expensive.
With 2 wages and no mortgage seems unlikely you couldn't afford a modest wedding.
I'm guessing that if you didn't fall pregnant accidentally he would never have agreed to start a family together either?

I'm not sure what more he wants at this stage.

Maybe he will never marry and it's nothing to do with not committing to you and your child (hope they haven't got his surname!).

But honestly, you are young, healthy, solvent, you've got your lovely child. In your shoes I'd roll the dice on finding someone who did want to marry me, than settle for Mr Not Now (or Ever).

It may be that once you walk again he will suddenly realise what he's losing and how much harder life is going to be for him, I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone who only wanted to marry me because I provide the roof over his head and parenting is done together rather having solo access.
I think you'll see what he's made of when you walk away, and I don't think you'll regret choosing to try and find more.

Do not get married!!! You’d be mad to. You’re literally giving half your house, savings and pension etc to a man too stupid to realise it. He doesn’t want to marry you, and it isn’t even the usual not wanting to be taken for a ride by a golddigger excuse. He just doesn’t want to. It would be better for him in every way to marry you, there’s no downside. He just doesn’t want to. Make of that what you will. I’d take it as a pretty big fuck you.

You’ve told him your views and he has chosen his path which is life on his terms with you. It’s your decision now. I don’t see what more you need to tell or discuss or for conversation which is an ultimatum and then it loses the point of it anyway.

Also, importantly, as you are financially better off I would not strong arm him into a marriage which would allow him to claim more from
you anyway. Not the point but is a point under the circs you’re in.

"Yes it’s exactly this. I’m so fucking sad about it all. I want to feel loved and treasured. Marriage is a part of it. I just don’t. I feel humiliated in all honesty. He should feel lucky to have me. He doesn’t. Maybe in some alternative universe I’m someone’s dream girl."

Other than the marriage bit, how does he make you feel? Loved and treasured?

You made a comment about him being motivated to talk about your sex life? Is this where his main focus is?

You say you're happy together but are you really, the marriage issue aside?

op mn sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable as while there’s so much sense here, and there is on this thread- we don’t know how much it blows up over marriage-so when you talk about it we don’t know how it’s brought up or if it’s a huge fight every time, we don’t know if secretly he was going to go for it, or if he was waiting for something or if he never ever would. People take the information they’re given and run with it but you’ve years of history and a child- just be sure before you jump to ltb because on a Friday night a group of people have their verdict x

You know what I was reading from the start and I was like why are you forcing him to marry you . The longer I read it I’m like do not marry him. You have your house , your savings etc how would you feel if you pressured him to marry you and 2 years down the line he wants a divorce and tried to take everything. If you wanted to marry him first for religious reasons then clearly you broke it by having your child. You don’t need to marry him to have a family. You said you are happy with everything but that. Are you really happy to break up your family and have 50/50 with your dd over this.

When he realises you’re serious about splitting up he will come up with a desperate plan to marry quickly. I can almost guarantee it. But don’t do it.youll know he won’t be doing it out of love for you or a real desire to marry. It will be about money, what is advantageous to him, and your child. It won’t be for any of the reasons you want @Celebrity1999

This is a very fair point but the op is obviously unhappy and has asked for honest thoughts which she's been given.

She does not sound foolish and doesn't sound like she would finish a happy relationship with her DC father just on a whim.

There do seem to be some aspects of their relationship in which they do not share the same values, and sadly op has had to deal with two deaths in her close family.
There's nothing like that to bring it home to you that life is short and you want to spend that life with people who care and cherish having you in their lives (with the caveat that we are all human and relationships have their ups and downs)
Everyone wants a partner who loves them, wants to be with them, and can be relied upon, short and longterm.
I think she'd be nuts to marry him, because he doesn't want to and why risk her financial future for someone who's not bothered. But I support her wish to be married and have that commitment, I just don't think it's with this guy sadly.

Your financial situation is secure.
You have lost important people from your life recently and are grieving still for family.

I can see the urge to ensure you have family is strong.

If it's burning you up inside you have to take action. Counselling perhaps.

Marrying is a huge step when you are solvent and secure financially.

If the options are marry him or make him leave ... Then how does that feel?
Being a single parent might be worse than feeling you're being strung along with a never promise. Or not. You'll not know until you try.

Financial reasons are nonsense though if it's not a big fluffy dress wedding you're after. A licence at the registry office is fairly affordable.
But remember a divorce costs a lot more than splitting up now.

@Celebrity1999 "I need to gather some strength and rip the plaster off."

Yes, I'm afraid you do.
And I'm sure that in time you will feel so much better for this.
Maintain your resolve.

I think you’d be nuts to marry him given you own the house etc.

I wonder if he refuses because it’s the only bit of control he has over you. After all, you provide the home and more family money than he does. I find it weird he bangs on about finance being the reason. Is he deluded that he contributes more than he does?

All that aside, I would stop wearing the engagement ring as I would feel silly wearing it after 4 years with no date set. He’ll probably hate it, and immediately want to set a date if he suddenly realises he could be homeless and need to find somewhere and be paying bills on his own. And that would probably put me off him forever.

I honestly think there’s a man more deserving of you out there.
💐

I hope this thread has given you some clarity OP, you've had some great advice on here! There's nothing more I can add, it's all been said, just remember that you're never alone with Mumsnet😁

At this stage I would hand him back his ring and tell him it's time he moved out of your home.
If he asks why I would tell him that unfortunately you have realised that long term you and him want different things. I would tell him that since marriage is not important to him you have decided it time you both moved on with your lives. I would let him see his child on a regular basis and let him pay towards rasing her.
He has been paying no rent for the past 4 years he should have no problem in affording rent or moving into a short term let when he looks for something long term.

To be honest he sounds happy enough to plod along but meanwhile you made plans, worked hard and are now in a good financial position. He is obviously not to bright either to realise that marrying and getting a divorce in say 5-8 years would benefit him financially.

He already had your help in getting savings plan and a pension put in place.
You had a child with him and waited for a wedding for 4 years but he still can't get his act together despite paying no rent. He keeps fobbing you off.

You deserve to be with a man who wants the same as you and one that has life together.