Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

He's not interested in your opinion, way beyond wanting quiet meal times. Honestly needing your own quiet time and space is fine. Though you'd think farming for several hours a day would be isolated enough?! But he sounds rude and almost abusive. Does he bring anything positive to your life?

OP I work with survivors of domestic abuse
without exception they all tell me at some point that they 'weren't allowed' to do something or other - it could be trivial, like not being allowed to wear green, or major like not being allowed to get a job
I have never heard anyone on a healthy relationship say they 'weren't allowed to do something

At the moment, I cant say he does. Just makes me feel anxious as I hate bringing up stuff that's important to me as I know he will just get annoyed. I'm always trying to plan nice things to do as a family but he just says: "we'll see." And that's it. End of conversation.

I would stop trying to talk and plan on how I was leaving.

So what happens after he has finished eating?

Not a great deal. He certainly doesn't tey to make conversation afterwards. And I guess, I don't try afterwards as I usually just feel hurt for being told he doesn't want to talk to me.

I would be getting my ducks in a row to get out of there op, I’m sorry x

Let him eat by himself and you take yourself off somewhere else in the house. I don't see the issue of you talking. He's just plain rude. Myself and my husband work long hours and sometimes only get to talk at mealtimes, about our days.

I must admit, I have been thinking a lot about this. I gave up my reasonably well paid career to be with him and look after our children. And now work in a minimum wage job which fits around the children. If I left, I do have my own house which is 3.5 hour away. I guess I'm just scared as financially and logistically I feel like it would be impossible to do all by myself. Even though I know I can do it, it would just take a bit of time to get sorted. Thanks for your advice.

do you both need a holiday, he is very busy?

The only thing I would consider and only if I felt that it wasn’t going to be dangerous, ie a bad reaction from him, would be to see how he reacted to the suggestion of him going to his gp, as there is a possibility that he is experiencing low mood / depression/ anxiety etc. He would have to accept how he is affecting you for this to be a starter at all however, and it really doesn’t seem like he is going to do that. I really feel for you, you must feel so isolated by all this.

Is he / are you both sleep deprived?

I know some people who do not like talking during meal times. they get irritated if they are interrupted during a mouthful and i think its okay to respect that. just speak with him afterwards?

That's what I try to organise but it is hard work to have a conversation about it as he just says, "I'll think about it." And that's that!

He works long hours and can be up very early so he probably doesn't get as much sleep.as he should but recently it has improved. I wouldn't say we are sleep deprived though. Not like we were in the early newborn stages!

He needs a reason to change. If he doesn't get one what's his incentive? Or you decide he's not worth that and leave yourself. The status quo can't stay as it is for your sake or your children's.

How old are the kids? Maybe you could take them on holiday without him.

In this case, I would quietly make preparations to safeguard myself and my children, ready to leave with them. I don’t know why but there is an air of menace in the behaviour you are describing and it also sounds as though it is gradually escalating? I say this as someone not given to drama.

it doesn’t need to necessarily be the end because you leave, but he would need to really accept the impact of how he is behaving, all of it, the silent mealtimes (just awful and so sad), the controlling nature of it and also his dismissal of your ideas etc. he would then have to demonstrate his willingness to work on all this and actually change. I’m not optimistic from what you have shared so far I’m afraid, but op, you absolutely can do it and be much happier that this. You deserve to be. It is much more lonely to be with someone doing this to you that to actually be alone, content without the sour atmosphere and knowing that you have removed yourself and your children from this (at best) dysfunctional atmosphere in the one place that should feel good - home.

Financially you wouldn't have to do it all yourself, he would have to pay for his children. You'd also have the opportunity to be able to take up your career again at some point in the future. Staying with a farmer is not going to make it easy to take up your career again as farmers tend to think that 'Farmer's Wife' is job enough for their womenfolk.

*than, not that - twice! 🙄

Is your house rented out?

If not, take a holiday in your house with the kids without him, taking your laptop, passports, and copies of financial documents. At the end of the two week holiday, you don't have to go back to the farm.

This gives you two weeks to sample what life would be like without him.

What happens if you eat with the children and leave him to sort his own meals?

They're 3 and 2...and very lively. I'd happily take them on holiday by myself but they can be a handful...like.most toddlers! The problem is, when I suggest going away by myself with them, he doesn't like that! And tells me i'll never cope. I feel like i can't win.

I've not made him food before and he got really annoyed with me for not having something ready for him. Sometimes I do eat with the children as he is home too late for their meal times. Perhaps I just need to do that every night. He is incapable of cooking for himself. He will ring everyday to ask me what's for dinner, which also annoys me a little.

Red flags like a Chinese military parade here OP. He's undermining your confidence in yourself.

So meals aside do you have any sort of conversations together. Does he ever ask how your day was? What do you do once the toddlers are asleep?

I feel for you as it sounds very lonely.