Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

Oh jeez, another woman who got with a partner and then sacrificed a stable future by giving up their career and having kids without the protections of marriage.

Working 7 days a week doesn't preclude someone from being a decent human being towards their partner. My husband often worked 7 days a week, extremely long shifts but would never dictate to me that I'm not allowed to speak to him at certain times of day.

I think this is part of the problem as I've said. Toddlers going to bed at the same time as you - now wonder they are a handful, they're probably overtired??

So you have already had a conversation with him about leaving and taking the children with you?

Look it's easy to say, but you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him.

Your marriage is in trouble.
Your kids are tiny still.

Either you sit and talk about this as grown ups and decide to work on it together, or you plan to separate.

There's clearly more to it than not just talking over dinner.

He appears to have checked out of the relationship.
Has he?

Or is he just over worked, fed up and taking that out on you?

Ask him?

I would let him eat alone for a little while. You could try changing the kids routine so that they go to bed before you so that you do have some time together child free. You have to tell him how you are feeling and see if he is willing to change

Seeing your update, you r kids need a sensible bedtime.
Mine were in bed by 6- 7pm at that age and asleep till 6-7am.

You can't revive a marriage with 2 toddlers around all evening - that's unfair on anyone.

You need time together as adults.

Get the fuck out now.

Give your renters notice, move home, and tell him that he can arrange court ordered contact. I bet you £50 he won't bother.

Sounds like he wanted someone to play the role of the woman and mother in his house but didn't want to have to participate in the relationship. Get out now.

@AngelicaRice @Blueblell

Yes,exactly what I said upthread. Kids in bed late at the same time as adults!

Not at all an excuse for the dad's behaviour but maybe an explanation?

Fucks sake you're not his slave who does he think he is. You deserve so much better than this xxx

I have to agree with this poster. Toddlers need a routine!

They need a decent bedtime, which is kept regular. At your kids ages 7-7.30pm would be good. Then you and your partner can get an evening as people and not "parents".

Cause I don't think it matters if it's your children chatting to you or your husband. If you like to eat in peace and quiet then an adult or a child chatting is going to irritate you

I couldn't tolerate that. Who the heck does he think he is! If that were me I’d give him all the time and space to have silence all day and night long, by leaving! He sounds like a pompous ass.

You don’t need to live in that house. You could rent something anywhere you wanted.

He sounds exactly like my relative’s husband —also a farmer. Meals had to be in silence, he had to know exactly where she was, what she was cooking fire’ his ‘ dinner, even sabotaged her car to stop her going shopping with her mother. Exactly the same responses as your DP on holidays and suggested days out. It got worse and worse, children left as soon as they could. She had various reasons for not leaving him — his mother would cut the kids from her Will, the neighbours would talk about her. She had the most miserable life into a horrible old age as his carer. Please get out while you can. I’d say 3.5 hours away is a good move, you can always move nearer your parents later on if that helps. But please have a life.

Yes, it's not good.
And when they start school they won't cope if they are going to bed so late.

OP you need to establish a proper routine. I know this means your kids may not see much of their dad on weekdays but many families live with that! If someone commutes to London many aren't home till 7pm or later. My DH was rarely home before 7pm in his career. A quick cuddle and maybe a very short bedtime story and that was it.

You've lost your way as a couple.
I think your H is behaving unreasonably, but I also think you have played a part by not appreciating how he/you have no time together as a couple.

I posted earlier not knowing your kids were around all evening- and if they are eating with you, it can't be very relaxing for either of you.

You also should stop making 'idle threats' like leaving him. if you want to leave, be serious about it but you do have a duty as parents to try to make this work for the sake of your kids.

I don't get the impression you've sat down and talked seriously about what's going wrong.

You're in the trenches with two young kids. He's working 7 days a week. You're probably going a bit bonkers being on your own all day, assuming rurally. It's tough and would put pressure even on the strongest couple.

If he's from a trad farming family he's probably got a healthy dose of engendered views of division of labour / role of the wifey (cook, cleaner, maid) to boot.

Whilst his behaviour is horrible, it speaks more of exhaustion/ stress and unhappiness than anything else.
Do you ever get time just to two of you? Is he more respectful then?
Is he interested in the kids? Does he ever get time just with them without you there?

Would he consider couples counselling to try and thrash some of this out before you throw the towel in?

This is not "fantasy standard": talking to your children's mother is bare minimum decent behaviour.

Men can be very good at maintaining a facade of decency until they feel comfortable that the woman won't leave. Abuse often starts during the first pregnancy.

If OP leaves, she will only be looking after two toddlers, not three.

He's sounding worse and worse with each update!

That's his mum's fault- not his!

My mum did the same for my brother (till he was 30) and my dad.

It gave her a purpose and she didn't want them to help.

@Toto531 I think that many people reading you thread may not understand the challenges of living on a farm and the relentless nature of the life. As a practical action, have you contacted the The Farming Community Support Network and speaking to one of their volunteers? This might help you to get some more perspective and advice about what the future might hold for you from people who really understand the challenges of being a farmer's wife.

The grass is very much greener when you leave a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need. Or a man who doesn’t seem to like or be interested in you.

yes - it can be poorer, online dating is full of weirdos, and it’s hard work being a single parent working and raising kids full time. but having control over your own happiness and life is so liberating. And as it turns out, there are some good people mixed up among the weirdos on OLD.

Time to go - before you lose all sense of self. He’s a selfish pig.

Did you rtft? When op dies this he shuts her down.

No it's not, he's a human adult who can think for himself. If he thinks it's OK to be waited on hand and foot all his life, he's a twat.

*Does. Bloody phone 🙄

If you had friends or family round for dinner would he tell them to stop talking or does he only do this for you?