Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

I have experienced an ex who refused to talk to me at meals.. usually in restaurants. "I'm here to eat, not to talk." He'd usually sit on his phone. He'd sometimes walk out to wait in the car if I hadn't finished my food yet- and not tell me, just get up and leave! Not normal begaviour but I let it go on for a few years, sadly.
In my experience- it was about control and abuse. It may not be the same in your circumstances- but, it might be.
Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? I'd be surprised if he changes his ways. If he wants to eat alone, let him. Let him cook and wash up too. It's not normal behaviour is it?- and I bet he manages to speak if other people are there or you're out at an occasion.
You deserve better.

When DP phones and asks what is for dinner, have some standard answers .. and laugh. Don't take him so seriously.

Air Pie and Windy Pudding.
Surprise Stew.
I'll think about it; I haven't decided yet.
Bread and Butter and Duck under the Table.
Left Overs.
Probably Baked Beans and Eggs.
Food!
My Favourite.
A Cup of Tea and a Look out of the Window.
Wait and See.
Sharks Bum and Seaweed.
Whatever Jumps on the Plate.
Pickled Eels Feet with Gravy

Op, you need to be your jolly old self, not put up with any disrespect and hope your DP learns to appreciate you just as you are. You also need to work around his inflexible hours in a positive way. Set him routine morning childcare tasks that you can rely on while you have a quiet start to most days..

Firstly, you need to CHUCKLE and say No, I won't be silenced at meal times;

Why does she need to chuckle?

What's funny?

if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it

when I suggest going away by myself with them, he doesn't like that! And tells me i'll never cope.

he just says, "I'll think about it."

he got really annoyed with me for not having something ready for him.

He is incapable of cooking for himself.

My parents don't like my partner

^^
These jumped out for me

Your partner sounds unfeeling and unpleasant. It also sounds like his mother might have enabled this behaviour.

A friend of mine divorced a mam like this after 3 children. She allowed her self esteem to sink into the floor. He frightened her into thinking she couldn't cope and dismissed her constantly and gave her weeks of silent treatment if she disagreed and said stuff like "Ill think about it " which always meant no.

She could and now has a great partner who likes her kids.

You need to go to marriage counselling pronto. This man will not magically change on his own.

If he doesn't recognise after that things need to change then make your plans.

God I can't stand the excuses rolled out for men like this. Oh its because he's a farmer, it's because he's stressed, it's because he has trouble eating 🙄 No, it's because he's an entitled, rude, misogynistic prick who thinks a womans role in life is to keep her mouth shut and serve him.

Oh yeah, so traditional he's had children with her but not married her.

It sounds as if your parents have legitimate concerns about how healthy this relationship is?
Your H makes no effort but expects a lot of. He wants you to be his Mother not an equal partner.
Where do you want to be in 10 years OP ?
You sound very unhappy

Thank you. I agree with this.

Farming life can be really tough, but there’s no need to be rude, nor take it out on your partner.

Whether or not this is the poster who spoke about her in-laws practically taking her kids hostage, there were enough stories on that thread about how awful farmers and marrying into farming families is that it should be up there with The Protection Of Marriage as top Mumsnet advice.

Bear in mind that once the Renters reform bill comes into force sometime soon, you'll need to give the tenants four months notice.
Best to do it now with a section 21 notice (assuming they're outside, or less than two months, of the expiry of the initial tenancy period). Can you go and live with your parents or other relatives now until you've got your house back?

There are more red flags 🚩 the more you tell us. He is a controlling man who is undermining your confidence and indifferent to your feelings. This is emotional abuse and it will only get worse as it becomes the norm. Your children are very young now but this will start to impact on them very badly too. Do you want a life of misery for them, when they also have to sit in silence at mealtimes? And see/hear their father disrespecting and belittling their mother?

I really urge you to confide in a trusted family member or friend and get advice from somewhere like Women’s Aid before this gets any worse. Or go to your GP who should be able to signpost you to support.

You will definitely be better off on your own with your children to build a happy, healthy family life together and the first step towards that is the hardest. Please don’t suffer in silence.

What does he mean by we’ll see?

What is he expecting to see?

Cloud formations spelling out the word Yes or No.

The ghost of Christmas past visiting him in his dreams.

I think at this point I would tell him what you are going to do and ask him if he wants to come. If he replies “we’ll see” I would tell him it is a yes or no answer. Then not say a word and disappear off to have the nice time you planned a nice time

He's maybe tired, depressed or an arsehole, doesn't matter which!
He's upsetting you daily, that needs to stop. Unless you're in a dangerous relationship, you should be able to tell him he is rude you.

Are the kids to be quiet at dinner too?

Stop being his maid, take kids out for dinner, exhaust them with swimming, clubs whatever, in lead up to bedtime. Focus on getting that sorted. He can cook for himself, stick his washing on in total silence, remind him that's what he wants, not you.
If you build yourself up to someone who really doesn't need him, he might put some effort in.

If you're not married, you're just cleaning and maintaining a house for some guy who doesn't want to talk to you or engage with family life. If he can't talk to you, he's not going to want to share anything more than basic maintenance when you split, why wait?

Splitting up is certainly never the first option, but distance for a period of time could maybe shine some clarity. Make it extremely clear, any time you are away the house is maintained, either by him or cleaner. These are the things which hold you back, thinking if I leave for a week, it's all waiting for me to sort when I come back. Refuse to return until it's at a standard you're happy with. He has more than had his time of making rules and decisions regarding the home.

Sounds like he may be suffering with stress etc - I mean, who'd choose to be a farmer? It's a very stressful occupation, with sometimes little reward. He may be too preoccupied with trying to keep your heads afloat? You only work part time, at a poorly paid job, he's responsible for 4x mouths, keeping a roof over your head, children always NEED something, it may be all too much for him, and the easiest thing to do is bury your head and pretend it doesn't exist. *Just a different take on it.

I wouldn’t tolerate this. How dare he. You deserve respect.x

financially and logistically I feel like it would be impossible to do all by myself.
But you are doing it all by yourself and he would have to pay child support, so if you returned to your career how much worse off would you be?