Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

DP or DH?

There are so many signs that, at best, he doesn't respect and love you. At worst (and I fear it is this too) he is also abusive.

You are a grown woman. He isn't your parent or your boss. He doesn't get to give you orders and rules.

He undermines you (you wouldn't cope without me).
He ignores your feelings and concerns.
He gives you rules and orders.

He's abusive. You're unhappy. And no wonder. He's a lousy husband.

You could cope without him. In fact I think you'd flourish. And so would your children. They shouldn't have to grow up in that atmosphere.

It's currently rented out to cover my mortgage. I'd have to give some sort of notice before moving back. And get a new job. It's 3.5 hours away from where we are now.

This.

And make sure you have a Ring doorbell / cameras installed outside and that he doesn’t have a key to get in to your house, before you go.

DP

Is he depressed OP? That might explain the not wanting to talk.

That aside he sounds rude and shouldn’t be undermining your ability to take the kids on holiday.

Could you take them to visit your parents for a few days? Or invite your parents on holiday with you?

He does ask how my day was, it's usually over the phone and only if I've been to work. Our toddlers go.to bed so late, mainly because he gets home late and so we all just end up going to bed at the same time. So we don't get time to talk.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Who was his cook and cleaning lady before you moved in?

We went on holiday (me and kids) with my parents a few months ago, which was hard work. My parents don't like my partner and won't speak to him which makes everything so hard as they won't visit us anymore.

His mum. He only slept in his house. His mum did everything else.for him, his brother and father.

Get child care sorted and get back into your profession and plan to move to your own house. Try to save some money before you leave.
It's not impossible to do by yourself, as you know. Difficult, but doable.
If you currently rent your house out, be aware of the new regulations coming into force with The renters reform bill later this year.

He sounds awful. What attracted you to this Prince?

Time to say bye bye, not when you're eating of course. Just leave a note. Hope you can find happiness elsewhere, life's to short to be with this weirdo

Did you talk about expectations before you had kids? Sounds like he expects you to be his housekeeper and it doesn't occur to him that that is wrong

As is often posted on here “Get your ducks in a row”.
You have so many more options than most women in this situation OP. Give your tenants notice, apply for full time work there, look for nurseries nearby.
It sounds like you have family that would love to help you leave too!

Do you have a support network close to your own home?
I wouldn’t think twice about giving your tenants notice and starting to job hunt. You’re pretty much doing it on your own anyway by the sound of things and if your parents don’t like him it clearly goes deeper than him needing a holiday. That would be an awful excuse to condone this behaviour.

He will ring everyday to ask me what's for dinner, which also annoys me a little.

How about next time he rings and asks that, you just say 'Look, if you can't even be courteous enough to have a conversation during the dinner that you're expecting me to cook for you, I won't be making dinner for you anymore. You are beyond rude stopping me from talking to you when we're having dinner and I'm just not having it! This is no way to carry on and if you don't change your attitude then I will be leaving you.'

He needs to know you won't tolerate this.

Why is it ok to respect that? It sounds rude to me. Don't ignore your spouse at mealtimes. Or any time.

Why don't they like him, is it because he's rude and selfish?

This is outrageous behaviour.

I'm so pleased you have your own property to go to. Please seek advice from Women's Aid or a lawyer before you go. I would recommend not mentioning it to anyone else.

I can't chat while eating or I end up with raging indigestion. It's why I get wound up by people trying to start a conversation during meals and sitting expecting me to respond. I also can't stand it when people talk with a mouthful of food, but that doesn't sound like what's going on here, he just doesn't sound interested in having a conversation with his partner at any point, which begs the question of why he's in a relationship.

I ignore it because I end up in discomfort and unable to finish my meal.

I'm sure that you're polite enough to explain that to your meal companions. This sounds less like a gastro intestinal problem and more of a rude and selfish man problem.

When he calls tomorrow to ask what’s for dinner don’t answer. When he gets home and asks why you didn’t answer just say you didn’t feel like speaking, just like he does every night. Point out that relationships are a two way street and that if he doesn’t want to contribute emotionally then he will be on his own. How he reacts will determine how you proceed.

He sounds overworked and tired.
The toddler years are hard, I would look for chats and support elsewhere like friends and family.