Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

Plenty of people work long hours, in demanding jobs. Not all of them treat partners in this way.

If you think he's worth staying for/you're not scared of him, then perhaps change the family routine:

Cook one dinner, you eat with the kids and plate his up for when he gets home.

When he's back he can have a bit of time with the kids, then you take them up to bed while he eats his dinner.

Then adult/conversation time even if it's just a bit of chatting while watching tv

Decide on a day trip or holiday, decide when you want to go, check he's free and book it.

However if he is being abusive and you are walking on eggshells/feeling scared to cross him then ignore all the above and look to leave if you can.

Do you love him?

Not who you want him to be, or who he could be if he worked hard and pretended which it seems he did in the past.

Him, anything about him, right now?

If not, get your shit together and leave.

If you do... but a 'this has to stop, now or I am leaving' gets you no further - also leave.

It sounds like he has totally checked out of family life and being a partner - you are his new Mum and its very much all about him, what he wants, what he likes, what he needs and fuck the rest of you.

I like a previous posters suggestion - go on holiday with the kids for a fortnight - ideally once your property is empty. I think you might find its easier than you think in your own space without him to have to run around after as well!

Exactly this

You live in the medieval world. Taken away to provide inheritants for the farming business. Can you sit him, tell him you need a normal 21c life or that you are going to go

A previous poster said he “almost sounds abusive”. There is no “almost about it. This is psychological abusive. It’s damaging to you, but also to your children. I understand that you worry about finances should you leave him. You will be fine. If you gave-up a well paid career for this man, with determination you can get back there. In addition, remember he will have to paid you maintenance for the children.

Of course he doesn’t want you to take the children on holiday @Toto531 , there wouldn’t be anyone at home to do the cooking and cleaning . What a prize .

I’d book that holiday without him, and go. And when he asks how your day is say why don’t you ask me over dinner and we can chat like normal people over a meal? Then that night say here’s the deal, you chat over dinner or I don’t cook it for you. It’s the least you can do to treat me like a normal human being rather than the housekeeper who’s cooked your meal. So if you can’t do that, then the next night you are cooking your own meal, so I don’t get so upset that you sit there in silence eating my meal.

Staff - you are his housekeeper OP - a grown woman not being ‘allowed’
is demeaning, also controlling.

Of course he would talk to you at the beginning! but once he’d got you…

You have no reason to stay… I would guess the sex is functional, his
personal hygiene isn’t good, his conversation is limited anyway and he
speaks to or calls on his mother daily.

You are captive and need to be careful, canny, have any mail regarding
your house sent to your mothers address, give tenant notice, have a sort
out, you will have two months? before you move, this will be enough time.

Probably not a good idea to give notice at work too soon.

Good advice on here as ever, heed it

The other house is an excellent duck to have in row. It sounds to me like you (and your children in the longer term) would be much happier without him.

If you don't earn too much to qualify for universal credit, you get 85% of childcare paid for for your working hours.

yes because he treats her this way; calling her to ask what's for dinner...and not even one single kind word when coming back???????????????????blimey

Find your anger because you are sounding like a doormat. I don't want to be harsh because I understand this must be really upsetting for you... but sometimes people benefit from having it spelled out plainly. I hope you realise and leave him. Give the tenants notice and move back into your home. You are being treated as someone's maid. Don't give years of your life to this thinking it will somehow magically improve. This man is walking all over you. He just wants someone who will cook his meals, tidy his house, do his washing, occasionally have sex with him, have his kids... he doesn't give a shit enough about you as a person to even ask about your day. It's no life. I bet he's tight with money as well.. I can just tell.
Please save yourself tears of misery and give your tenants notice and move back home.
He's not going to change because why should he? He gets what he wants from you.
I work 12 hour night shifts and I have 3 kids... but there's not one single night i don't at least ask my DH how his day was. The first thing I do when I get in from work if he's there is hug him. I'm not the chattiest of people and I like my space but I'd never in a million years tell my DH we weren't ever to talk during dinner. So disrespectful and ridiculous.
I'd understand if it were once in a blue moon because something really stressful had happened or whatever.. but every night??
It's not ok is it.
Find your anger and self esteem and stop tolerating this nonsense.

Speed is one interpretation of what @AmethystRuby wrote. Not necessarily the conclusion I would have drawn though.

This.

Would you get value for money if you were to sell your house and buy locally? I think he could block you moving and insist you do the travel for contact if you did move. I don’t see the point of the relationship, tbh. If my Dh said I wasn’t allowed to speak during dinner, I think I’d tell him where to go.

But that implies you are allowing his opinion to overrule yours. He is maybe negging you or maybe just a negative man in general. But it is up to you to say, 'Oh, I'm confident I can so I will. Bye,' and not let his comments act like a judge's ruling.

Doesn't matter whether he thinks you can cope or not. Just take the children away on holiday. I took a very lively 2 year old and a very sickly SEN 1-year old away on long journeys to visit family when our marriage was rocky in the early days. People helped with the logistics. Strangers, airport staff, train staff were all kind. Then family helped out. When they were a bit older, I took them away on my own without family and we had a great time.

Choose somewhere safe and easy, maybe with or near family or close friends who might help out. Or somewhere child-friendly that caters to young families with a very shallow pool complex and a playpark and buggies to attach to your bike to get them around the grounds.

Well I'd be making my plans. You're not more than a slave and not even worthy of engaging with now, apparently. It'll only get worse.

I come from a farming family, my mother used to stress don’t marry a farmer and none of us did. 3 boys 3 girls. Growing up I never really had any interaction with my Dad, we had 2 weeks holiday a year that was really the only time I saw him. Meal times were okay but he never showed any interest in me, and By today’s standards I was neglected. Mum used to say in front of us “ You care more about your bloody cows than the kids.”
I don’t miss my Dad, he passed away many years ago now, as I never had a relationship with him.
You know that your situation is not healthy and you said he is not adding to your life in anyway, and I guess not your kids either. Plan to leave, you can do it, it won’t be easy but at least you won’t be sidelined every meal time. The younger the kids the easier they adapt to change do it soon. I speak from my experience and my kids have also told me that they are glad they were very young.

Nobody lives up to MNers fantasy standards.. try to see things from DP's view

Wow. Just wow. I actually feel sorry for you that you feel like this and have such a low bar.

My dh of 20 years run his own business and works 10 sometimes 12 hour days. He's knackered most of the time and under immense stress. He has NEVER told me not to talk to him at any time. He loves being with me and the dc's, it's his respite from work.

OP's partner sounds nasty and controlling, how DARE he tell her she's not allowed to speak to him.

There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour.

I just thought that if someone is totally concentrated on eating and refusing to speak in between mouthfuls, they would be eating quite quickly. Is it that they are thinking in between mouthfuls if they're eating slowly?

I do not think he can block you moving within the UK or insist you travel, that is not my experience.

They're not married - he has fuck all say in anything she does.

He has a say in where the kids go though.

I agree, and @mumoflittlemice is spot on about the air of menace in what the OP is describing. There's an undercurrent of frightening anger in this man's behaviour, and nothing whatsoever positive in the way he acts towards his wife. It's all forbidding her to do things, refusing everything she suggests, and anger.
This is no life @Toto531 . He thinks you can't leave because he's made you financially dependent. He's wrong. Get some advice. Having your own house is a huge advantage.