Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

What was your relationship like with your parents prior to being with your partner? It is very worrying that your partner is essentially isolating you from them by I'm guessing behind rude and then not being welcome in his house.

I'm like you in that I have two young pre school children and work part time and I just couldn't imagine not having an engaged partner. We laugh/chat the same as we did prekids and plan future adventures together. You deserve this too so please don't accept less. It sounds like you are quite trapped being so far away from home but if you're not happy and can't see any improvement now might be a good time to move back near your family and start fresh over before kids start building friendships etc at school age.

I'm the same
I like eating in peace not looking at someone food going round !

My parents don't like any of their in laws. In this case, it was them that caused the problem but they have said that they don't like the way i have to do everything by myself.

Just a note to mention something if you do decide to move back to your house. You say it's 3.5 hours away from your current home. Isn't there something about if you move away you will have to bring the children to him for his contact time. I'm not sure, just thought I'd mention it.

But I do agree it's time to go. You have as much as indicated that yourself. It's no way to live and it will more than likely escalate. I note you are not married. That's not a problem really if you have your own property. Clever move to keep it. I'm guessing (probably wrongly) that the home you are in now is tied to the farm? Anyway it doesn't matter since if it belongs to DP you have no real entitlement to any of it anyway unless you contributed to the mortgage or it is in joint names. What's the situation there OP?

Make the best decision for YOU and your children and I wish you the best.

He sounds like a dickhead, overworked or not.

I think you need to post this where other farmers and farmer's wives/partners will see...not sure where that would be but the "going on holiday" just isn't likely to happen.

Basically sounds like the family I grew up in and I'm old. It's not good and won't change. He's knackered and just wants to be left alone. You definitely need more company and understanding and actual help with the DC.

Be aware that the Renter's Reform bill is going through at a rate of knots, so it may well affect how you can give notice, tho that might only apply to new tenancies.

The only justification for this request is if you talk woth your mouth full, but I siludoect you would know if this was the case or he would have told you.

Is the relationship working otherwise? I suspect not.

Gosh, OP that sounds awful and a lonely situation to be in.

He does sound very rude to say that, it's very dismissive.

Only one query - do you say your toddlers go to bed the same time as you? I know it's probably hard at this point in your lives but that sounds very stressful for ALL of you, and they (and you adults) are likely not getting enough sleep?

Could you try to get the kids to eat an earlier tea, bath and then perhaps sit with your husband when he eats his meal later (or you eat with him then) with your kids settled upstairs/in their bedrooms?

Is your own place near to your family? If so, would you want to live near them? Is your place in an area where you could get work?

There have been so many threads on here over the years about farming families where the women all say how isolated, bored, lonely and neglected they are. I gave a cheer when I saw you owned your own home and another one when I saw you weren't married.

There is a way out, OP. You have one precious life and this man just isn't good enough for you.

Indeed. I've no idea why the bar is so low for men.

I can only speak for myself but if this happened to me I'd be throwing a strop.

I'd not accept the 'parking' he does with the topics.

I'd say 'Sorry, but I really want to have a conversation about this now.'

And if he didn't, I'd ask why. And keep going, putting him on the spot.

Can you push back a bit?

This probably isn't relevan⁷t but my Dad started to be very quiet at meal times and stopped wanting to eat out. Turns out he was struggling to eat and swallow. I now keep coughing during eating and talking so now our meal times are quiet too. Also, men often don't want to talk. Maybe eat with the kids earlier sometimes and let him eat in.peace. if you need companionship try to get out with kids instead to.toddler groups etc. It's not your fault but stop trying to change him and work out an alternative. I wonder sometimes why men are in relatis!

My parents don't like any of their in laws. In this case, it was them that caused the problem but they have said that they don't like the way i have to do everything by myself.

Can you explain this a bit more?

I'm unsure what you mean.

Who caused 'this' (what is this?)
Your family or your in laws?

Who says they don't like you having to do everything?

Why does it matter if your parents like or dislike his parents? Surely they don't see much of them anyway day to day?

You can't lump all men together just because of that your dad or because some men can't be bothered to talk.

If you're coughing when you eat, do you need to see a dr?

I wonder sometimes why men are in relatis! I assume you meant to say "I wonder sometimes why men are in relationships" but choked on your words.

This man is in a relationship because he wants someone to do all the housework for him, cook his dinner, have sex with him and bring up his children. He doesn't want a companion. He wants a slave.

"men often don't want to talk".
So? I'm sure a few pleasant words wouldn't be a hardship.

A lot of your issues are things you iron out before children.. eg whether he can cook... this is ordinary couple life going through shit stages and boring stages of life together. People choose shit partners and then break up families, trying to blend with other broken families. There is no commitment, no weathering the storm together, LTB is dished out so readily, taking kids 3.5 hours away from a dad who is tired for working 7 days away.... there is no perfect partner, you aren't a perfect partner either. People are honestly so fickle. You leave him for what? To be a single mum who guess what will still have to cook dinner everynight and no adult conversation and all bills on you as well. To date weirdos online...the grass is not greener, most of life is boring most people hate their inlaws..Nobody lives up to MNers fantasy standards.. try to see things from DP's view.

This sounds really lonely OP. Sounds like your relationship has developed pretty rapidly is you've only been together 5 years but have a 3 and 2 year old. How did you meet if his farm is so far from your home? You've given up a lot from what you've posted. I'd be trying to get the kids into a better routine so you have some alone time in the evening and then I'd be trying to thrash it out with him, but it doesn't sound promising. There's one thing just being quiet at the dinner table if you are tired, it's on another level actually telling another person to not talk.

I came on here to say this. I hate talking to people whilst I'm eating. I just want to enjoy my food.

I'm a single mum with 2 disabled DC, 2 days a week i don't eat with my children because dinnertimes are just so stressful for me but at the same time I know they enjoy chatting ect. So I take 2 evenings a week where I eat my tea later than them

Does he have any redeeming features op? Does he show any interest in you at all? Ever do anything kind? Help with or at least interact with the kids or are you just there to be his wife bot and meet his needs, cook, clean and care for his offspring? He sounds horrendous and you deserve better.

Nobody lives up to MNers fantasy standards.. try to see things from DP's view.

Being tired after a day's work and avoiding issues that need discussing is not a fantasy standard.

He's treating OP badly.

Could you speak to him directly about this issue? Ask him why he doesn’t want to speak to you? I would probably also start eating earlier with the children and try to get them in bed by 7 ish so at least you can have the evening to have these conversations if they may be difficult.
If he has grown up with his
mother doing everything and perhaps in a family that doesn’t converse, you may have to be pretty blunt in saying what you need in order to stay together.

Why would you not cope? You cope fine with them day to day - don’t listen to him. He’s trying to undermine you, don’t let him

I'm sorry but how can you compare eating on your own when you are on your own with the OP who is married and eats at the same table as her H?

You are already doing it all by yourself .
You just won’t have the bullshit and it will be even easier than it is now.

Let MN help guide/support you.
Is your family in the town where your home is ?
You at least have some here to go to. .
I wouldn’t give him a heads up . Once you have left and he asks where you have gone .
Id reply with oh ok at my dinner I can’t speak now
petty but I would!