Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

I thought, from reading on here, that someone with pr could stop the resident parent moving. I might well be completely wrong, this is purely from reading stuff on here about parents not being allowed to go abroad. I know the neighbour’s granddaughter had to get her ex to agree to her moving abroad to her mother’s country-is it different if it involves moving country?

It sounds like you are doing everything yourself anyway

Only difference is you would be doing it all but without being told not to speak

I know a lot of single mums and they all are so happy they don’t have to put up with “the rules” their ex would want them to adhere to and also not having to think about cooking cleaning and taking on board another persons opinion

You have your own house and can get a similar job to the one you left.
I don’t see what is stopping you

It sounds to me like your husband made an effort with you when he was trying to woo you but no longer feels he needs to make an effort.

It’s great that you have your own property if you choose to leave. I would give him fair warning that he bucks up his ideas or you will be off!

I was going to say leave but then I saw your kids go to bed really late and you all go to sleep at the same time. I’ve been there and it’s SO hard not having any alone time whatsoever. Can the kids go to sleep earlier and you carve out time with him alone in the evenings just to figure out what this is all about (whether he’s just emotionally overloaded at the moment or whether he’s an abusive arsehole).

I would work out how much per month you need to keep yourself and dc in your old home each month. What benefits you could get (Entitledto website) what CM you could expect etc

Could you get a job very quickly. That would cover the rest of the expenses whilst you look to get your career back on track.

And would look at giving your tenants notice asap.
I used to be a landlord but the way things are going I gave up being a landlord as I fear Labour are going to take us back to pre 1980s

Try changing things around. Firstly, you need to CHUCKLE and say No, I won't be silenced at meal times; I am not a child in the Victorian era.
Live each hour as you wish to proceed for years.
Stop grumps or shouts immediately. I can't hear that shouty language, sorry. Please don't speak like that to me again.

Try ...

Feeding the children early most nights and having them in bed at a reasonable hour. Keep your meals to be reheated.

Asking DP to routinely give the children their breakfast. Mornings can be a time when the kids see their Dad and breakfast is an easy meal.

Not talking about work or anything difficult at dinner. Have positive and relaxed conversation about things that give you both a rest. Do you ask about his long day at work?

Taking a picnic to the paddock some days for the kids to see Dad and farm life. Farming is very dangerous but also lonely.

Check in with how your and DP's mental health is. Talk about supporting each other more. Farming is long hours often not renumerated at all. Is it a particularly stressful financial period right now?

Be realistic about holidays. If you want your DP to go along as well you might have to choose local destinations or weekend activities.

Being a Farmer's 'Wife' is really traditional role as others have said - A Farmer wouldn't be expected to chip in with looking after the young kids, as he'd be doing all the work around the Farm.

He probably feels he has to do all that ''By himself''

For a woman who likes this type of life, one who loves cooking and baking, it would probably be less onerous {and there ARE women like this who happily cook and do the childcare}

Maybe it's not suited to you, It's a shame there are children involved, as you say your own house is a 3.5 hr drive away.

Why do such young children have to be up so very late?

I don't think he does actually!

what??? you sound like an apologist SN you are usually more rational than this

I thought the same.
If this is the same OP then she has had multiple threads about her husband and demanding in laws. Gets lots of advice( mainly leave him and go to her own place) but doesn’t seem to be able to make the jump.

My DH is a procrastinator and I just say I will be booking a holiday next week. Here is the link, if you don’t fancy going, I’ll go by myself. It motivates my DH to actually look up holidays etc. You are giving all the power to your DH. You tell him that you will be going and he can go to such a place too but you will be going regardless. Yes it is ultimatum like but frankly a lot of men are lazy and need ‘encouragement’ to get anything organised!

Come on. Really?

If he is a farmer, then perhaps he is depressed? There's a very high rate of depression and suicide among farmers. Not that this excuses his behaviour, but maybe he needs to get some help?

Have you posted about him before?
He is awful.
Time to pack up and leave.
You gave up too much for an unkind man that wants you stuck.

Have you posted about this man before? Something to do with his relationship with his mum and speaking rudely about you to her?

Yes he sounded awful last time and now he's not even speaking to her? OP you know you need to leave. Maybe the first step is for you to get some counselling?

That's the one.

Has been writing posts on different senarios for a long time now IIRC.

He eats food you've cooked for him and makes it clear that's all he's interested in.

I'd be tempted to see what would happen if dinner stopped materialising.

I agree with all of this.

You need to make plans to leave.

Is the farm owned or leased? House owned or leased with the farm?

Have you tried it talk to him about it properly? Do you want to be with him?

Serve your tenants notice but don't tell him until they're actually out of the property. Then just take the kids and go.

I think if she moves before they're formally separated it will make this more difficult for him to enforce. Plus it sounds like he works a lot.. would he really be willing to give up work to facilitate 50/50 custody?! By the way if he offers this, he is likely lying, say yes that would be brilliant, let's meet half way for pick ups and drop, the kids would love to see you regularly and I will have time to paint their rooms while there with you. Bet he will drop out at the last minute! Don't lay it on too thick though or he will suss you.

This why are you just laying down and accepting everything he says to you? Likewise if my DH said he didn't like it that dinner wasn't on the table for him when he got home and got angry, I'd have told him that if he wants dinner made for him he can start treating me with a bit of respect.

@Toto531

I know you said your folks don't like any of their iLs (I assume you mean just their sons and daughters iL). But even if you think of them as 'difficult' (not saying you do) that doesn't mean they don't have a valid reason not to like your DP. They've said they don't like the way you have to 'do everything by yourself', that's a valid reason to me. And you say they 'caused the problem'. But if you think of it carefully and unemotionally could that 'cause' have been rooted in their dislike of the way he treats you?

Is your house near them, and more importantly, would they be a reliable source of support and childcare at least until you got yourself settled? If so, I think that's half the battle. I think it'd be a good idea for you to investigate moving back to your house. Look at the job market, salaries, and work out a general budget, both with and without their help, to get a picture of what it will take to make the move. Once you have that knowledge, it'll be easier to make the final decision.

He's not going to change you know, they never do. And my opinion is that if he wants perfect silence during meals I'd give it to him. I'd have a noisy, chatty meal with my little ones or I'd have a tray in the living room watching TV and let him dine in silent splendour all by his lonesome. Then I'd take myself off to do my own thing in another room. But I'd be willing to be he wouldn't like that either. Because he doesn't actually want 'silence' he just wants to know he can tell you what to do and you'll 'obey'.

If he can ask you to be quiet, you can ask him to stop asking what is for dinner every day.

When you plan things say "I'm thinking of doing x thing on y date. If you fancy joining, let me know".